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Note: This column appears in the 10/2 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 10/3 issue of the Peoria Times Like most people at this point, I don’t know what to think of the Arizona Cardinals anymore. Just as I was prepared to blast the team for its lackluster showing on Sunday -- down 34-0 at halftime -- they go and make a somewhat valiant comeback. At least offensively. (For many Cardinals’ fans, I’m sure that effort typified what this franchise has come to represent: too little, too late. If at all.) Just when I thought the Cardinals had a stranglehold on the division -- all alone in 1st place with the Seahawks reeling -- the team loses two straight while Seattle gains a much needed win and gets healthy on their bye week. Just when I thought their defense was turning a corner after stymieing the 49ers in the second half of the season opener and shutting down the Dolphins a week later, the Cardinals go out and throw up two clunkers, allowing the Redskins and Jets to run roughshod. And p...

John Moses, 1989 Score Perhaps you do not know the inspirational story of John Moses. Allow me: John, who has good speed and plays excellent defense, was a capable replacement in all three outfield positions for the Twins in 1988. John Moses: Capable replacement. It’s pretty much the highest compliment a professional baseball player can attain. To wit: Random Twins employee : Skip, all of our starting outfielders are missing at sea. Something about the Vikings having a boat party… Former Twins manager Tom Kelly : Well I’ll be gosh darn con farn it hootin tootin’! Employee : Hold on, skip! Don’t blow a gasket just yet! What about John Moses? Tom Kelly : Who in the what now? Employee : John Moses, skip. He’s got good speed. Tom Kelly : What does that mean? Employee : He’s not very fast. Tom Kelly : Grrrr… Employee : But he’s got a great glove, and can play all three outfield positions! Tom Kelly : At once? Employee : I don’t know. But he says he’s capable. Tom Kelly : Capable, huh? That’...

I’m not sure what percentage of people who read this blog also attend church on a regular basis. If I had to guess…4%? It doesn’t really matter. As I’ve maintained from the beginning -- this blog is about two things and two things only: stupid sports cards, and religion. Anyhoo, so I have to discuss with you an aspect of Arizona -- one that is actually among the few things about living here that makes me very uncomfortable. For starters, it’s almost impossible to find a Catholic Church around here. Back home in New Jersey, traditional Catholic Churches are like Seven Elevens -- you can’t walk three blocks without seeing one. Here? My wife and I have to drive about 35 minutes to get to church every week, which means that our travel time is longer than the actual Mass. The next closest Catholic Church is in Texas. Stranger still, on our way to church we pass about seventeen other churches. They’re just not Catholic churches. Arizona -- at least where we live -- is a very Christian commu...

Note: An edited version of this column appears in the 9/25 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 9/26 issue of the Peoria Times I wasn’t sure when I was going to get another opportunity to watch the Arizona Cardinals possibly move to 3-0. Kurt Warner is 37 years old, Anquan Boldin wants out, and, well...the team doesn't exactly have a history of strong starts. Or middles, or ends. With that in mind, I decided to do a running log of Sunday's game in Washington. Because if 3-0 actually happened, I wanted evidence. 9:58 AM : Before I even start this -- and I don't care if this makes me look like an idiot 500 words from now -- I am convinced the Cardinals are going to win this game. Really, I am. 9:59 : I should also mention that the Giants are on CBS right now, yet I’m voluntarily watching the Cardinals. And by “voluntarily” I mean that my editor has me chained to the couch, with my eyes pulled open "A Clockwork Orange" style, and has hidden my remote control somewhere...

Elvis Grbac, 1998 Upper Deck This is probably the most visually exciting and stimulating football card that I own. Many people believe that “high definition” was “invented” in like 2005, or something. But this card is proof that high definition dates back as far as 1998. Of course, the kinks weren’t all worked out, as far as background graphics are concerned. (That’s actually Ted Danson standing on the sidelines, though it’s hard to tell.) Regardless, it feels like Elvis Grbac is going to run right out of the front of this card! When he reaches the front of the card. In twenty minutes. Really though. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a still shot that gave away how excruciatingly slow somebody was. And it’s not like I’m surprised that a 6’5” white man named Elvis wasn’t exactly a speed demon. But it looks like Elvis Grbac is running in quicksand, and that there’s an invisible belt around his waist that’s strapped to the goal post. If those feet in the background are attached to somebody, th...

Note: This column appears in the 9/18 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 9/19 issue of the Peoria Times The “but…” in explaining how the Arizona Cardinals’ are atop the standings is that they are a product of their division. The NFC West is widely recognized as one of, if not the, worst divisions in the league, a perception made even more viable after the early-season injuries and underperformance of perennial division favorite Seattle. Not that we should be looking ahead ( cough ASU cough ) in crowning the Cardinals division champions just yet, but I don’t think it’s fair to diminish their early accomplishments based on the inadequacies of others. The Cardinals are 2-0 because they are a darn good football team, not because they are some indirect beneficiaries of the St. Louis Rams’ secondary. If anything, their inspired play has improved the NFC West’s reputation. And wow, yeah…that felt weird to write. Speaking of divisions, when the NFL undertook its divisional realignment a few y...

Rufus Porter, 1989 NFL Pro Set There are two things you can do when Rufus Porter is pointing directly at you, and looking as though he is going to kill you with his bare hands. You can a) take your chances and hope the offensive play in question is called for somebody else or will be run in the opposite direction of Rufus Porter (i.e., backwards and out of bounds), or b) immediately feign an injury and/or quit the sport of football altogether on the spot. Of course, these scenarios are intended for the hypothetical situation in which an anonymous blogger finds himself on a professional football field across from Rufus Porter circa 1989, and not for your average NFL player, who would most likely not be so intimidated by one of his peers pointing at him in a threatening manner. But enough hypotheticalness. Let’s find out more about Rufus: Began season as unknown free agent, ended it in 1989 Pro Bowl I don’t mean to nitpick here, but somebody must have known who Rufus Porter was, right? O...

Note: This column appears in the 9/11 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 9/12 issue of the Peoria Times There are almost too many positives to take from the Cardinals 23-13 win over the San Francisco 49ers last Sunday. Yes, too many. This is kind of scary. Offensively, Edgerrin James looked fantastic and Tim Hightower served as the absolute ideal compliment. Kurt Warner played game manager and Anquan Boldin proved that any personal issues he has with the organization will be more motivation than distraction. Defensively, the Cardinals forced turnovers and kept the 49ers at bay during the second half. From a coaching standpoint, the team exited the locker room at halftime and dominated the third quarter, a testament to Ken Whisenhunt’s motivational and tactical agenda. He also displayed his unique ability to mix things up by lining up Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie at wideout, which, ummm, didn’t exactly work out too well, but still. Steve Breaston and the special teams unit looked solid ...

Aaron Brooks, 2005 Topps Heritage Series The Topps Heritage series is modeled after famous sets of Topps cards. On earth we call this concept “recycling old ideas.” For example, this particular card is made to look like the popular Topps baseball card series of that year when all the cards looked like this. I’m sorry -- I just didn’t feel like looking up the year. Mostly because I don’t care. Welcome to my blog! Anyway, this card features Saints’ quarterback Aaron Brooks standing on the sidelines after being pulled from a game for throwing the football backwards for a 23-yard loss. The bright yellow background is the sun. But maybe you would like to know more about Aaron Brooks. Well then, I’m glad you are here! Let’s use the back of this card as our guide, and feel free to ask as many Aaron Brooks-related questions as you’d like, and I will answer all of them to the best of my ability: You : I love this card! I was wondering though, how tall is Aaron Brooks? Me : Oh, that’s easy! Aar...

Note: This column appears in the 9/5 issue of the Peoria Times One year ago in this very space, before the Arizona Cardinals opened up the season against the San Francisco 49ers -- which they apparently do every year -- I stressed that that game would be a hint of things to come for the season. I was wrong in that the Cardinals lost the game, but rebounded to finish a solid 8-8. I was right in that the loss, along with yet another brutal defeat at the hands of the same 49ers, prevented them from going to the playoffs. So here we are again. The same two teams opening up their 2008 seasons against each other. And I feel the same way. This game just means so, so much for the Arizona Cardinals. These are the games that the Cards are going to have to win if they have any hopes of building upon the foundation they laid down last season. There are plenty of “previews” for this game that can be found elsewhere, and even though these two teams aren’t necessarily NFL heavyweights, I’ve decided ...

Greg Harris, 1987 Topps There is nary a thing I enjoy more than a “looking off into the distance” shot. And not just in baseball cards either. I particularly appreciate this journalistic style when it comes to a family portrait session at the local Sears. Or a sixth-grade glamour shot. Or even a classy watercolor portrait of Napoleon. Look at me, looking off into the distance, contemplating your demise! Do not bother me with your devices…but make sure you get my good side. The hopes and dreams of one Greg Harris could not have been captured more adequately. What he is thinking about, we may never know. We can only speculate. It could be that he is already auditioning for the role of Uncle Rico : How much you wanna bet I can throw this baseball over them mountains? Or maybe he is thinking about which arm he would prefer to throw with during the upcoming season. He could be wondering what it feels like to have a fully-grown mustache. (Greg Harris made Dave Wannstedt look like Rollie F...

Note: This column appears in the 8/28 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 8/29 issue of the Peoria Times The Cardinals faced the Raiders in Oakland this past Saturday evening. I figured that not only would this game help the Cardinals work out the kinks, but it could help me try and get into form as well. After all, I have a full season of groundbreaking columns to write. With that in mind, I decided to do a running log of Saturday’s game. Here is what followed: 6:00 : Our announcers for this evening are the preseason team of Mike Goldberg and Bill Lewis. They are a bit rusty. 1sr qtr : Matt Leinart is equally rusty. His first pass is intercepted. Actually, let’s hope that’s rust, and not Matt Leinartness. 1st qtr : So far -- and this game is about five minutes old now -- Goldberg has referred to Raiders’ quarterback JaMarcus Russell as: ChaMarcus Russell, Marcus Russell, Darren McFadden, and, occasionally, JaMarcus Russell. 1st qtr : There has been a penalty flag on every other play. ...

Harry Hamilton, 1989 NFL Pro Set In honor of it being almost the start of the NFL season, we present to you yet another installment from Bill’s collection. Today we celebrate, amongst other things, how not to tackle an opposing football player. Quick true story: In my first ever Pop Warner football game, on the very first play, I got the wind knocked out of me. The trainer was on the field and everything. My dad was so proud. For a few seconds I thought I was dead. I see Blue, he looks…glorious! If you’re wondering how this happened, and, even better, if you would enjoy a dramatic still-photo reenactment in which I am played by a 6-foot tall African American man, please feel free to reference the above-featured card. It is uncertain how this particular play ended, although I am going to assume that it ended with Harry Hamilton firmly entrenched in the turf, unable to breathe, with two parallel tire tracks spanning the length of his body. Of course, you can’t always make tackles by the...

Note: This column appears in the 8/21 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 8/22 issue of the Peoria Times I think Ken Whisnhunt is a good head football coach. Why? I am not really sure. That is what I like to call my “thesis.” Please read on. Whisenhunt has forgotten more football than I will ever know, so I am not really one to say anything about the technical aspect of his job. (On the other hand, he probably couldn’t write a weekly, quasi-humorous, sometimes-sports-related column for a community newspaper. - Awkward pause - Okay, he probably could do that, actually.) But I am a football fan, and it is my right to stand firm on the foundation of baseless opinions. With that mind, I still must have reasons for believing he is a good coach, as arbitrary and juvenile as those reasons may seem. For example… I think Ken Whisenhunt looks the part. He’s young and in shape, which shows me that he’s a) not old, and b) physically capable of kicking some tail if necessary. He, at least sometimes...

Geno Petralli, 1991 Donruss Geno Petralli, how is it that you are not Rafael Palmiero ? I do not understand. In my mind, I am imagining that the Texas Rangers lineups of the 1990s featured only mustachioed left-handed hitters whose names stereotypically gave away their ethnicity. Players that included Deion Freeman , Ming Sing Chu , and Patrick O’Flaherty . But what were Geno Petralli’s career highlights? Horrible question. But I will answer it anyway. Back of the card, do your thing: Ranked 4th on Rangers in batting in ‘89 That highlight is lukewarm, at best. That is such a random and arbitrary statistic. Did you know that my Uncle Tom ranked sixth in two-out walks for the San Diego Padres in 1977? That is not true, but if it were, would you care? Exactly. Also, Geno Petralli’s fourth-best-on-team (FBOT) .304 batting average in 1989 was a result of a scant 184 at bats, which, at the time, did not even make him eligible for speech therapy, much less the team batting title. I need other...

Note: This column appears in the 8/14 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 8/15 issue of the Peoria Times Few things in life excite me like a good television commercial. I will buy whatever you are selling if you can produce a commercial cool enough for my exquisite tastes. I mean, I may not buy it literally , but still. When it comes to football season, I am bursting at the seams as it is, so when I see a commercial promoting the upcoming NFL season -- and I judge said commercial to be particularly awesome -- my heart skips a beat and I can’t sit still for the next several hours, or days, depending on my mood. In that respect, there are two commercials out now that I think should win Oscars. Or Peabodys. Or whatever it is that commercials win. First, there is the Reebok “ Migration ” commercial, which features an eerie and amazing song (which I immediately downloaded) and players “migrating” to their home stadiums in a V formation. For example, Eli Manning and the Giants are on the Br...

Bob Kipper, 1987 Topps Yes, it is true that the Pittsburgh Pirates hats of the mid-80’s were the single biggest offense against baseball and society ever recorded in the history of the universe. That said, never has the hat in question looked as unbelievably ridiculous as it does right here. Congratulations, Bob Kipper. You look like a fool. Let’s get know Mr. Kipper a little bit: Bob won 8 letters in baseball, basketball and football at Aurora (Ill.) Central Catholic High School where he fanned 20 batters in one game. Awesome. Good stuff there. Bob Kipper was probably a popular guy in high school. A hard worker, dedicated to excelling in athletics and maybe in the classroom, too. He attended a Catholic school, so Bob Kipper was most likely a God-fearing man as well. Good parents. These are a lot of assumptions, but I’m going to run with it here. Bob Kipper was a good, humble, well-meaning guy, just trying to make a living on the baseball field so he could provide for his family of a w...

Reggie McElroy, 1989 NFL Pro Set I have no column this week because I was on vacation last week and that’s just how I roll. (Feel free to voice your frustrations in the comments, if you can find room amidst all the other comments.) As usual when I don’t have a column, I will now write about Reggie McElroy. I should first mention that this card comes courtesy of the always-reliable Bill , a Jets fan himself who credits most of his personal successes to Reggie McElroy for reasons that cannot be explained. Anyhoo, I urge you now to travel back in time, to 1988, to an era when a 6’6” 290 lb picture of raw athleticism is playing tackle for the New York Jets instead of tight end. That’s Reaganomics for ya’!* The back of the card -- as back of the cards tend to do -- lists McElroy’s career accomplishments. To waste time and space, I will reprint them now: One of only two players to start all 16 games on Jets’ injury riddled offensive line in 1988…Recovered fully from reconstructive knee surge...

Dante Muse Okay, let me explain. When I was a youngster, I subscribed to Sports Illustrated for Kids. I remember being so excited when that first issue arrived, because for whatever reason I knew Michael Jordan was going to be on the cover -- he was, holding two kids in the air with basketballs -- and I had already planned on keeping that issue forever and ever and ever until it was worth a million dollars, at which point I would symbolically pass it on to my NBA-playing son on my death bed. Well, it was raining the day that my first SI for Kids finally arrived in the mail, and our idiot mailman allowed it to get all wet. Nevertheless, I really do still have it somewhere. Also, like pretty much everything else I own, it is worth nothing. Anyhoo, SI for Kids was full of cartoon pictures and silly anecdotes that had nothing to do with anything. It was sort of like what regular Sports Illustrated is today. ( Oh, snap! No he didn’t! ) Even as a child I was mildly insulted by its content. ...

Note: This column appears in the 7/31 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 8/1 issue of the Peoria Times The Arizona Cardinals opened training camp last week in Flagstaff. On their website, Darren Urban -- the team’s excellent beat reporter -- did a piece highlighting the top 10 questions for the team going into camp. Number one? The quarterback situation, of course. Here are the facts as they stand. Head coach Ken Whisenhunt named Matt Leinart the starter for 2008 after the 2007 season ended. Leinart responded to this leap of faith by helping a local woman drink beer in excess . In 2007, Kurt Warner -- who was already replacing Leinart in specific game situations, like when the Cardinals wanted to score -- filled in full time as the starting QB when Leinart went down with an injury, and threw for almost 3,500 yards with 27 touchdowns and led the team to an impressive 8-8 record. If you mix all these facts together, you get a potential firestorm of controversy that can only be resolved...