Friday, January 29, 2016

Spam email of the week

Hello,

I am Miss Geraldene Dozzy from (KwaZulu-Natal) South Africa

HELLO GERALDINE DOZZY FROM ZULU NATION

I am contacting you because I need your help in management of some amount that my father left for me before he died.
My father was a very successful business man into timber plantations

GET THAT TIMBER PLANTATION MONEY, SON, I AIN’T MAD ATCHA

and exportation but was poisoned by his step brothers,

OH SNAP THIS IS LIKE CINDERELLA EXCEPT PA DUKES IS CINDERELLA AND HE CAN’T GO TO THE BALL CAUSE HE DEAD

THE BALL IS THE TIMBER PLANATATION, IT’S A METAPHOR

my uncles that was assisting him

“UNCLES THAT WERE ASSISTING HIM” WHATCHU LIKE AN INFANT-TYPE BABY OR SOMETHIN’

in his business due to envy and they are now after me so I had to escape my way to Benin where I am presently.

BEEN TO BENIN MANY TIMES FOR ENVY-RELATED REASONS. TRY THE MEAT POCKETS THERE, ASK FOR SAL.

Please I want you to stand as my guardian to enable you receive the money in your country and as well assist me secure papers

IMMA HELP YOU SECURE THAT PAPER, SON, I HAVE MANY QUALIFICATIONS BY WHICH TO DO SO

WHICH IS TO SAY A FRIEND OF A FRIEND IS A NOTARY OF THE PEACE OR WHATEVER THEY CALLED

that will enable me come over to your country immediately for continuation of my education

FO SHO, IMMA HELP YOU GET THAT TIMBER PLANTATION BEQUEATHMENT SO THAT YOU MAY FURTHER PURSUE YOUR MINOR IN GRAPHIC DESIGN

and investing of the money according to your advise since I am only 17 years without mother or father.

YOU ARE 17 WITH OR WITHOUT YOUR MOTHER OR FATHER

ALSO MY CONDOLENCES ON YOUR MOTHER, ANOTHER CASUALTY OF THE TIMBER PLANTATIONS/ROUTINE FAMILY POISONING IMMA ASSUME

Please indicate if you are interested in taking me along

TAKING YOU ALONG? WHERE WE GOING YO

ACTUALLY IMMA MAKE THE CALL HERE, LET’S GO TO CHEESECAKE FACTORY

PARTY OF TWO, CHEESECAKE FACTORY HOSTESS—THIS IS MY BAE GERALDINE DOZZY FROM SOUTH AFRICA, PLEASE DON’T POISON THE PENNE VODKA TO GET HER TIMBER MONEY

I MEAN YES WE PREFER A BOOTH

because my present situation here is critically frustrating.

I will be waiting for your response. Please kindly let me know if you are not willing so that I can continue searching.

Yours sincerely

Miss Geraldene Dozzy
This message is intended only for the use of the addressees. It may contain privileged and/or confidential information that should not be disclosed under applicable law. If you are not an addressee, or the employee or agent responsible to deliver this message to an addressee, you are notified that any use or dissemination of this message is prohibited, and that you should destroy/delete it immediately and advise the sender. Thank you for your cooperation.

THIS MAD LEGAL MESSAGE HAS COMPLETELY LEGITIMIZED THIS EMAIL

I REGRET APPROACHING THIS EMAIL IN THE MANNER I HAVE AND I MOURN THIS LOST OPPORTUNITY

ALSO AS A NON-ADDRESSEE I WILL TURN MYSELF IN TO AUTHORITIES

TURNS OUT THE AUTHORITIES ARE YOUR UNCLES

TELL THE WORLD MY STORY

2 comments:

troy said...

Dude, I gotta admit Benin is nice but I can't find the meat pockets ANYWHERE and no one's heard of Sal and oh my God I just realized you were talking to Geraldene Dozzy, weren't you? DAMMIT. Knew I shoulda just gone to Cheesecake ...

mkenny59 said...

This is all probably a result of me referring to Geraldene throughout as "SON," atypical when referencing a woman, especially one of such class and elegance. That said, I was also dropping breadcrumbs of hints that you - yes, YOU - should indeed meet us at Cheesecake Factory. Oh well, next time.

Btw, for future reference, when you ask for Sal, you have to do air quotes and wink three times with your right eye. Then you will be led to meat pockets.