Spam email of the week

Subject: Vacancy(8163164346843)

Looks like there’s a vacancy at the ol’ (8163164346843). Gonna book my reservation now before the ol’ (8163164346843), as it is wont to do, fills up with as$hole tourists.

Your contact was provided by the job-board where you recently posted your CV.

I’m as surprised I posted my CV to a job board as I am that I knew enough about what a CV was to post one. But hey, if you say so.

Our Company needs today Branch Coordinator.

Your company needs today Email Writerer, like … yesterday.

On recommendation we had concerning your candidature, I'm kindly want you to seriously weight this letter.

I would describe the weight of this letter as very heavy on nonsense gibberish crap. But I DID weigh it with a furrowed brow, and thus, seriously.

Now let me show the key point of our Company's business.


We provide the best-in class delivery services for our partners outside of the United States. We proceed correspondence and goods all over the world, directly to its destination.

You’ve obviously meticulously reviewed my CV, in which I made reference to my vast experience as newspaper guy, author, weird blogger, and shipper of international goods.

You can earn pay rate up to $3350 per month.

By “up to” I will assume you mean “exactly, guaranteed” and yes, I’ll take the job.

Our Position involves directly supervising activities such as project assessment and planning, receiving and proceeding client's items and orders through services with which we co-operate.

Not to brag, but I’ve been endorsed on LinkedIn for literally all of those things.

You must have:
- Permanent US address

Pfft. Got it.

- PC connected to internet

Holla atcha boy. Wait, do I have to bring my own computer to wor-

- Mobile

OK so … do I need a mobile phone or do I have to BE mobile? Because—funny story—last week I pulled my groin while reaching for my iPhone which had just fallen into the toilet, and well …

- Be self-motivated and responsible

I don’t have any experience with that, but I’m a fast lear- (falls asleep, takes three-hour nap)

Please reply us at:
Hope to hear from you soon!

“Hello Celeste Laytonkwh! About that vacancy …” is how I will begin my email, which will be followed by a montage of me succeeding at my new CV. The montage will include footage of me depositing $3,350-checks into my ATM every week, and ships crossing the ocean carrying the international goods I’ve sold from my Internet-ready PC. The song that will play over the montage will be Peabo Bryson’s “If Ever You’re in My Arms Again,” just because I like that song. 


troy said…
Who wants to tell him that the checks are monthly, not weekly, making this actually a mediocre-paying job?

Nobody? OK, then who wants to tell him that 'candidature' is a euphemism?