Wednesday, August 05, 2015

Spam email of the week

Subject: FEEL some warmth of Wren Y. Buran’s genitals

I feel pretty confident stating that I will never receive an email with a more wonderful subject header.

Adieu baby . This is Wren!!

Couple things, Wren. Adieu means goodbye, so … goodbye baby to you, too? Also, are you the same Wren from the subject? The one whose genitals are going to keep me warm this summer? If so, please—go on.

I found your profile via facebook. I was excited! You’re cute!

Thanks, Wren! I just want to make sure you understand that I am the dude in my facebook profile picture and not the chic, who is my wife. Cause lemme tell ya’—she does NOT believe that genitals are a legitimate source of warmth, so don’t even waste your time.

I want to share some hot photos with you, babe!

OK. But what if the hotness generated from the photos precludes me from needing the warmth of your genti-

Got big boobs, and a big butt… and know how to use them J

I read that big boobs are only utilitarian in their ability to produce milk for babies. I should also point out that boobs and butts are not genitals, in case those are the bodily attributes you were planning to use to keep me warm. Don’t blame me, Wren—blame science. #blamescience

Click bellow to view my (11) private photos:

Listen, I know spam is inherently weird. But its universal inability to spell the word “below” is fascinating to me.

NewSlut.ru/?s=Wren95

HR Director: I’m sorry—can you explain again why you clicked the link that read “New Slut?”

Me: Ugh, for the 10th time … I was freezing—who handles the thermostat in here anyway?—and was promised warmth!

HR Director: You know you’re fired, right?

Me: You know, your heart could use the warmth of some properly placed genitals.


2 comments:

troy said...

Heyyyy, who's the *new* slut?

I feel like Wren was trying to create a catchphrase with 'Adieu baby.' Like Dieter from Sprockets or something.

Also, if no one else has anything more pressing, can we please discuss 'genitals'? I feel like 'genital' is fine as an adjective fit for both genders, but 'genitals' should just be guy junk. Am I the only one? Please tell me I'm not the only one.

mkenny59 said...

I've never thought about that, but I think I'm on Team Genital. Regardless, I think a serious discussion needs to happen, and I can think of no better place than the comments section of this weird blog.