Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Spam email of the week

Subject: Attn: Dear Beneficiary

This subject has a) a subject, b) an “Attn” AND c) a salutation. I am blushing.

ICPC NIGERIA (Anti-Fraud Unit)
we fight against fraud, funds delay and impersonation.

I would like to make this into one of those law firm-esque commercials you see during the day while staying home from work and watching Judge Joe Brown because you have diarrhea a hangover a bad cold.

Narrator: ICPC NIGERIA, Anti-Fraud Unit!

(gavel slams onto an anvil, everything shatters into pieces)

Narrator: We fight against, fraud, funds delay, and impersonation!

(explosion)

Lawyer quick talk voice: ICPCNigeriaisnotafederallyrecognizedinstitution, fightagainstimpersonationsdoesnotincludehilariousRonBurgundyvoices

Attn: Dear Beneficiary
This letter will definitely be amazing to you because of it’s a realistic value.

So far this letter is amazing because of its typos, but I’m sure it will prove to have realistic value as well.

Sorry for the inconveniences that was rendered to you in your line of Inheritance

No worries. Wait wh-

Payment transaction with some impersonators some while ago. I know that this letter will hit you by surprise, but firstly I will like to introduce myself; I am ( Mr. Nta Ekpo )

That is not how parenthesis work. Or names.

the Legal chairman of "ICPC", (Nigeria's Anti-Fraud Unit). On the 1st of October 2000, the President of The Federal Republic of Nigeria (Chief Olusegun Obasanjo) introduced a Commission named the "ICPC", (Nigeria's Anti-Fraud Unit)

Oh now I understand the acronym:

INigeria’s
CAnti-
PFraud
CUnit

which is duly registered under the United Nations (U.N.O).

Dammit you can’t just add letters onto things. It’s almost enough to make me skeptical about this email. ALMOST.

This particular Commission was initiated to detect fraud/funds delay/impersonation of Government Officials.

I’m only now starting to worry about the call I received yesterday from Ronald Reagan demanding I sell the golf clubs I inherited from my grandfather and send him the money.

Secondly, we are mandated by the US Government to settle foreign debts/fraud victims/UN-paid beneficiaries to satisfactory in other to maintain peace in the world at large and also to create a good relationship with the international bodies.

“The world at large” is my new favorite phrase. Looks like we can officially give credit to ICPC Nigeria for all the peace going on in the world at large right now. And speaking of international bodies …




Presently, we are being paid by the American government in other to avert beneficiary funds delays/fraud here in Nigeria. So far, we have settled the likes of (Mrs. Debbie Hargrove, Mr. Michael Wagner etc).

Oh snap—you settled the funds of Deb-Deb and my boy Mikey Wags? Why didn’t you say so?

You are being contacted by this office today dated because your Case File (A) is the very first File on our Settlement Files Cabinet.

So … I guess my recommendation would be to put the file *in* the cabinet? Or maybe just-

From our intelligent investigations and Probing processes

Based on correspondence thus far, I have no reason to believe your investigations have been anything less than intelligent. As far as your processes are concerned, I can only hope they've been as probing as you claim. These are my enemies we're talking about, so ... you know ... butt stuff really probing.

we discovered that you are a victim of fraud/funds delay.The "ICPC", is faithfully under my governance as the Legal Chairman of the great Commission and to this Authority I took an oath of allegiance to settle all fraud victims peacefully.

I was not aware an oath of allegiance was involved. I hereby retract any previous sarcasm, and look forward to my fraud being settled peacefully, albeit not without the possibility of additional fraud.

This Memorandum is to notify you that you will be settled by the Nigerian Government from our initial Deposit Account with HSBC Bank Plc London-UK. You will be settled with the actual amount which you lost in your previous transaction, including your Inheritance Funds. Your settlement will be actualized within 3working days after your
response to this Official Letter. For further clarifications/investigation kindly send the below information to us immediately:
1.    Your residential address.
2.    Mobile and fax number (for regular official contact).

Thank you for confirming it’s for regular contact only. I don’t want to be getting any spam on my fax machine.

3. Your inheritance funds value.
4. Amount, which you have lost previously.

Had I any doubts about the official nature of this email, they’ve since been squashed. “We totally know how much money we owe you, but tell us again just so we know for sure.”

Your immediate compliance to this will expedite actions on your Payment because here in this office, we have a lot of listed victims to be settled.

I understand. I will do my best to get back to you immediately so you can finalize Case File (A) and move onto Case File (B), which is somewhere near the Settlement Files Cabinet, maybe near the boiler room? I just …

YO NTA—WHERE CASE FILE (B) AT?

4 comments:

troy said...

There might be nothing sadder than when someone is gone and their friends see the cries for help all too late. "I never would have thought him capable of it," they'll say. "His blog was always so upbeat and jokey! But I guess in retrospect, the photo of a mostly naked Ronaldo he dropped into that one post out of nowhere ... that really should have been a red flag, shouldn't it?" Well that won't happen on my watch, Jack. I'm here, and I'm listening.

Oh, and while you're doing the talking, I really need to know where the Wire reference came from. I didn't see it coming, and now I'm convinced there is another Wire reference in there somewhere and I blew it.

mkenny59 said...

OK, so ... I seriously considered making reference to the Ronaldo pic, but then decided not to. I thought the joke would be that one might assume, me being a dude, that I'd drop a pic of a scantily clad woman there, but nah. Switched it up. Anyway, I stand by the decision. And I am OKAY.

Any reference to The Wire, though admittedly cool, is accidental as I haven't watched the show. So you didn't blow anything, so to speak. What was the reference?

capewood said...

OMG, I totally lost money to one of those Nigerian prince emails. Does this mean I might get my money back?

BTW LOL

mkenny59 said...

Oh no, capewood! I can definitely help you get your money back - just send me $135 and I will make sure the fraudsters reimburse you.

J/k don't do that. I don't think you can get your money back :( Thanks for the comment though!