Spam email of the week

Subject: Message on hold

This message is on hold. Except it’s here because here it is.

   I do not know if you remember me, we had a discussion some time ago about your situation.

Ah yes, my in-depth conversation with a nameless stranger about my, ahem, situation. Of course I remember you! You were the guy who I gave my email address to and said, “Yo, rando—email me if you have any visions, aiiiiight? It’s been real.” And then I pretended to pay the tab but I didn’t LOL. Is that what this is about?

Can you imagine...tonight I had a vision about you, a vision in which you were the star!

OMG ... ME? Really? A star? In some wack-job’s vision? Hold up … (adds this new information to resume under subcategory of “Star Quality”) … OK, so … did I dunk from the foul line? Please tell me I dunked from the foul line.

I’ll admit, this really intrigued me.

You don’t say? Having a vision intrigued you? Ha ha this is you:

You: (has a clear vision of the afterlife) Hmmm, I am somewhat intrigued by this DERP DERP.

So much so, that I got up and did a study on you.

Seems normal. So … (crosses legs) … tell me a little bit about myself.

What I have discovered about you is incredible! We need to talk about it as soon as possible because there are some big changes ready to happen, in your near future!

I’m sorry—I didn’t get your name …

What will happen to you is incredible! Do not here now, so I can tell you what I saw.

Or—OR—you could just tell me here?

I know that you often question your decisions, or wonder if you did the right thing.

Wow, this information is so specific to me as a human being and does not apply to anyone else who has ever lived. I can honestly say the only decision I have NOT questioned in life is the decision to not click on your terrible link. I feel good about that one.

My friend, there is no doubt in my mind, clicking this link right now, will be the best decision you make today.

I don’t know though … maybe I should click the link? DAMMIT I have questioned all of my decisions.

 Awaiting your reply.
   Your Friend,

CHRIS! Ah yes, Chris. That’s it. Chris, my man. Man? Anyway … (clicks link) (computer explodes) (immediately leaves work and tries to dunk from foul line at local gym) (fails)


troy said…
I feel bad for the message, still on hold. It's gonna be one of those stories you read about on the Consumerist or something, where the message hangs in there on hold for like seven weeks before getting disconnected because it had its phone service suspended because it stopped paying because it died, of starvation, weeks before. Kind of a sad story, really.
mkenny59 said…
RIP message