Spam email of the week
Subject: From The U.S Department Of Homeland Security.
Or Missouri. Whatever. Point is, the seal makes it official.
Good Day To You,
I hope this email finds you in good spirit and in good health?
You are good at differentiating questions from statements, Secretary of U.S. Department of Homeland Security Supp. Shullman Napolitano.
because i am quite aware of your losses in the past years now through this security office intelligent track devices, it may surprise you that i am also aware of your Consignment Boxes Pursuit In Benin, Ghana, Togo, Nigeria, Spain, France, Malaysia, Indonesia, China, Korea and etc .
Welp, the jig is up. You know about my worldwide box pursuit. I am chasing box everywhere. What can I say? I got consignment boxes in different area codes.
I do not intend to spoil your day or to put you under duress.
This bonkers-ass nonsense email is literally 1,600-plus words, so you bet your box I am under duress.
When i arrive in the Benin Parliament in Cotonou and going through all cases of unpaid funds, i found your Consignment Box Clearance File lying on the Foreign Affair Office Desk without any attention
That’s the federal government for ya’. It’s like, I pay my taxes. Can someone at least pay attention to my box? Is that so much to ask?
To my greatest surprise, during my recent routine Re-Checking, i personally discovered that your Consignment Content Declaration Document (C.C.D.D)stated that your Consignment Contains Personal Effects meanwhile, it contains United States Dollar Cash Us$40 Million Dollars,
To MY great surprise, the secretary of U.S. Homeland Security is illiterate.
i can assist you to legally clear your Consignment Funds and personally make the shipment to you on my traveling back, but you must agree with the following conditions. Because i have called our office in Washington,Dc from here in Benin, who has been intercepting all your E-Mail Communications, telephone Text/Sms messages & all telephone Calls, with the help of Mtn, Tigo Vodafone And Airtel Network Benin.
I should have known Tigo Vodafone was involved. DAMN YOU, TIGO VODAFONE! (shakes fist at the sky)
Anyway, sure—I agree to the conditions you have failed to mention.
I wish to notify you about the latest development concerning your Consignment Box content of your total USD$40 Million that was already handed over to me today.
OH MY GOSH TELL ME
Your Consignment Box content of your total USD$40 Million was assigned to me today
Uhhh you like just said th-
after the meeting held between me and some of the top Parliament members of Benin and the Foreign Affair Minister in the Benin Capital Commecial Headquarters Cotonou,
Oh snap, you saw my box after the meeting. This is a major development concerning my box.
due to the delay by you as nobody has heared from you to receive your Consignment Box For Long time now.
I’m very sorry none of the top parliament members of the Benin Republic have *heared* from me in a while. It’s just, with the kids and all, and like … I just got a new phone … ya’ know what? No excuses. It’s my bad.
The only Fee you will Pay to confirm Your Consignment Box received in your possession is the "Air Flight Weight Fee" of your Consignment Box which is the sum of $150.00 only.
Only one-fitty to get four mil, playa? I ain’t mad atcha. Also:
Flight rep: (chewing gum, not making eye contact) Please put your consignment box on the scale.
Secretary of U.S. Department of Homeland Security Supp. Shullman Napolitano: (puts consignment box on scale)
Flight rep: (filing nails) Any liquids hazardous materials animals foreign foods including unlicensed meats lotions or weapons inside?
Napolitano: No. Just four million dollars I mean some … stuffed … cabbage … dolls. Some stuffed Cabbage Patch doll things.
Flight rep: Your box weighs 10.3 lbs ... (grabs paper, reads from it) This airline is legally obligated to weigh all boxes so that the airplane doesn't get so heavy it falls from the sky to the ground because of gravity therefore we must charge an air flight weight fee relative to the weight of your box if you have any questions please contact the FCC ... (puts paper down) The air flight weight fee is $150 cash credit or debit?
Napolitano: I will pay now but ultimately divert this fee to the box owner (does evil laugh).
Flight rep: Don't care please swipe with the stripe facing up to the left, NEXT.
And as soon as i arrive in your state, i will give you a telephone call and instantly send an email to you from my official Ipad Hand Computer
Please do that. I will check for the email on my official iPhone finger box and process the information with my head computer. What an age we live in, amirite?
Send the fee of $150.00 via Money Gram or Western Union Money Transfer using the below stated receivers name and information.
Receiver’s Name:.... OBIEDO JOHN TANSI
Country:. . . . . . . . . .Benin
City:. . . . . . . . . . . . Cotonou
Amount:. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .USD$150.00
Question:. . . . . . . . Urgent
Answer:. . . . . . .Today
But remember that after (Some Days) you did not make the Payment,
It’s almost as if someone forgot to edit this before it went out.
then i Will have not other option than to regard your funds as unclaim and divert it to Us Government Reserve Fund or to Benin Government Treasury. Please treat this as a matter of urgency.
Believe me, Shullman, my man (woman?)—I am treating this with mad urgency. I owe it to myself, to you I guess, and to this great country of Missouri. Anyway, I just sent you the money. It should spill out of the bottom of your hand computer any minute.
p.s. Please don’t let any strangers on the plane touch my box.