Thursday, January 08, 2015

Spam email of the week

Subject: Please if you have the fear of GOD, Please Reply.

OK.

Dear Blessed One,

Urgent Assistance Needed!!!


This subtle desperation is appealing to my senses.

Greetings to you blessed one!. As you read through my message, I do not want you to feel pity or sorry for me,

No problem.

for I believe someday,somehow,we will all surely die,

What a unique belief. To each his own, I guess.

My name is Mrs. Mrs.Blessing Handerson

For some reason, it's the "Handerson" I find most humorous. Maybe it's because I'm imagining a spam sitcom called "Harry and the Handersons" about a sasquatch who is blessed.

a Citizen of the united kingdom, I am a 53years old woman, I am diagnosed of Cancer of the Larynx and it is terminal, medical science can not do anything for me at this stage. I believe in miracles because I believe in GOD, however I prefer to pass on at this stage since I am bed ridden and in constant pain.

Here is the Cliff Notes version of this email so far:

Dear stranger,

I want to die.

Before this happened, my business and concern for making money was all I lived for, I never really cared about other values in life.

You remind me of a famous, Christmas-themed literary character, Mister Mister Ebenezer Handerson.

But since my present situation, I have found a new desire to assist helpless families. I have been helping orphans in orphanage/motherless homes. I have once donated some money to orphans in war ravaged Eritrea,Somalia,Sudan and some East European Countries.

God: Welp, it says here you spent your whole life chasing that paper.

Mrs. Mrs. Blessing Handerson: Yes but one time I donated to some orphans in Eritrea or something.

God: I don't see a record of that.

Mrs. Mrs. Blessing Handerson: It was online.

God: No, I mean of "Eritrea."

Mrs. Mrs. Blessing Handerson: ...

God: ...

Mrs. Mrs. Blessing Handerson: ...

God: Awww, c'mon in.

Having known my condition I decided to entrust my last funds I have deposited in Europe ( USD$ 8.5 MILLION) to either a philanthropic or devoted individual that will use his judgment to distribute the money to charity organizations and feel free to reimburse yourself when you have the money with a total of 40% for your assistance also for any cost you incur during the process of collecting and distributing the money to charity organizations.

(picture of me handing a fake Ronald McDonald and several disappointed small children an absurdly giant check for $10.83 made out to RONALD MCDOOGAL ORPHANAGE HOUSE FOR KIDZ ZONE while a wad of cash hangs out of my back pocket)

I have left the hospital and presently at home, I have since lost my ability to talk and my doctors have told me that I have only few months to live.

I don't feel bad for you, but only because you told me not to. But also because you are fake and terrible.

It is my last wish to see this money distributed to charity organizations,because I don't have any child and my relatives and friends has plundered so much of my wealth since my illness,

Your relatives and friends sound chill.

 I cannot live with the agony of entrusting this huge responsibility to any of them. Please, I beg you in the name of God to help me collect the deposit and distr-

Oops I accidentally cut you off and deleted your email and then cleared my deleted messages because I hate this email so much. But good luck with everything. Who knows, maybe you'll be the first person to live forever.

3 comments:

troy said...

I often read these imagining the thinking of the sender. Even the most incompetent seem to find some hook that you can imagine ensnaring *someone,* if I may mix metaphors on you. What I like about this one is the 40% part. It seems like an insane amount of money not to give to almost-dead kids ... and then I envision a recipient thinking "Well, I'd be giving $5 million to charity ... $3.5 million isn't SO much to keep for doing that ... sort of heroic, actually, could've been 40-60 instead ..."

mkenny59 said...

It's true, it's true. And listen - there's a lot of overhead with giving other people's money to charity, and emotional stress, so it's okay to skim a little off the top. And forty percent is the max skimmage; anything higher is just plain wrong.

troy said...

Another thing I just caught (a few of these are still in my Digg Reader for some reason; I am not going back systematically and rereading and recommenting on blog posts that I have already read and commented on. That would be weird. I am merely rereading them until I realize that I've read them before, then reading on to see whether I already commented, and THEN recommenting) is how she implies that she could totally live forever if she really wanted to, since she believes in miracles and in GOD ... but she's decided not to bother Him.