Spam email of the week

Subject: Are You Dead Or Alive?

NOT REALLY SURE (checks pulse, grabs crotch, slaps self in face) OH YEAH I BE LIVING

MY DEAR FRIEND,

FIRST YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I'M ALIVE NOW WE'RE DEAR FRIENDS, WTF LOL J/K HOLLA ATCHA BOY

THIS IS TO LET YOU KNOW, THAT YOUR AUTOMATED TRANSIT ACCOUNT HAS BEEN SET UP, AND YOU ARE NOW FREE TO ACCESS YOUR ACCOUNT AND MAKE TRANSFER ON YOUR OWN TO ANY BANK OF YOUR CHOICE.

OH WORD? BEEN SITTING HERE FOR A HOT MINUTE WONDERING WHEN THOSE FOOLS GONNA SET UP MY AUTOMATED TRANSIT ACCOUNT. I GOT AN ITCHY TRIGGER FINGER READY TO MAKE SOME TRANSFERS, NA MEAN PLAYA?

PLEASE FIND BELOW YOUR AUTOMATED ACCOUNT DETAILS.

STEP ON
ACCESS CODE NO: 234-1-2460000
ACCOUNT NO: 405213486
TRANSFER NUMBER: 2433400

THIS ALL MAKES SENSE. JUST PRINTED THAT SHIZZ OUT AND STEPPED ON IT AS INSTRUCTED. NOW WHAT?

STEP TWO

YOU ARE TO DIAL UP THE INTERNATIONAL ACCESS CODE NUMBER, LISTEN TO THE INSTRUCTION, FOLLOW BY YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBER, AND YOU WILL BE WELCOMED TO YOUR ACCOUNT PROPER,

THANKS MC HAMMER, THIS EMAIL IS 2 LEGIT 2 QUIT

WITH FURTHER INSTRUCTION ON HOW TO CHECK YOUR ACCOUNT BALANCE AND HOW TO MAKE TRANSFER TO ANY BANK OF YOUR CHOICE.

YO THIS SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF STUFF TO DO. MY HOMEBOY FRED GOT A CHASE BANK ONLINE ACCOUNT AND HE BE DOING ALL THIS MESS WITHOUT ANY INSTRUCTIONS. HE DEAD THOUGH NOW. THE WAY I FOUND OUT WAS I EMAILED HIM LIKE, YO FRED YOU DEAD OR STILL ALIVE? AND HE NEVER RESPONDED. R.I.P. FRED.

YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE A TRANSFER OF MORE THAN US$30,000.00, DAILY. YOU ALSO HAVE THE OPTIONS OF CHANGING YOUR ACCOUNT DETAILS ON YOUR OWN.

THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW. YOU KNOW DAMN WELL A PLAYA LIKE ME WHO WRITES IN ALL CAPS BE TRANSFERRING MONEY AT $30K A POP ALL THE TIME, YO. AND BY THE WAY I AIN'T FEELING THAT ACCOUNT NUMBER YOU GAVE ME. TOO MANY FOURS FOR MY TASTE. GONNA CHANGE THAT ON MY OWN, SEEMS LEGIT.

I EXPECT YOU TO SHOW A SIGN OF APPRECIATION FOR ALL I DID FOR YOU, I EVEN BORROWED MONEY FROM PEOPLE TO HELP YOU.

I DON'T OWE YOU SH*T, YOU ROBINHOOD-WANNABE WEIRDO.

CONGRATULATION ONCE MORE.

THAT IS THE FIRST CONGRATULATION. BUT THANK YOU, I REALLY WORKED HARD FOR THIS AWARD.

WHILE WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU IMMEDIATELY YOU RECEIVE THIS MAIL.

MIGHT BE THE MOST NONSENSICAL STATEMENT THAT HAS EVER EXISTED LOL SERIOUSLY THOUGH THAT WAS TERRIBLE.

YOURS SINCERELY
JOSEPH WALTER

THANKS JOE, A.K.A. HARRIS PALACIO, ACCORDING TO YOUR EMAIL. KEEP ON BEING ALIVE AND STUFF.