Here is a dramatization of me cooking Trader Joe’s pumpkin pancakes on a weekend morning in the fall.
Who wants pumpkin pancakes? Yes, I AM a good father. Babe, clear the kitchen and hold all my calls.
What? No, this recipe doesn’t call for eggs. Trust me, it doesn’t. Fine, I’ll double-check, but I’m telling you ... (checks box) … you’ve got to be kidding me. This must be a different kind of mix than I remember. We have eggs, right? (checks refrigerator) I’ll be right back.
(25 minutes later)
Who wants pumpkin pancakes?
Babe, when it says milk, I can use rice milk, right? What do you mean “at my own risk?” What’s the difference? Well I would have gotten milk at the store if I realized I needed it. Because I stopped reading the box after I saw “one egg,” that’s why. Whatever.
Babe, how do you use this double-sided measuring thingee again? Which side is for liquids and which side is for solid—PANCAKE MIX SPILL, arg! Someone get the dog out of here.
(10 minutes later)
Okay, LET’S DO THIS.
The last time I did this it didn’t make enough pancakes, but two batches was too much. I think I’m just going to pro-rate the recipe. How do you do half an egg? What? Pfft, whatever.
Egg crackin’ time!
Let’s try again.
Let’s try again.
Seriously, how do people do this?
That’s a lot of shell. Babe, what do you use to get the shell parts out?
This butter is too hard to mix, better microwave it. (opens microwave, door handle breaks off) What the … ? Babe, who broke the microwave?
GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN, GIRLS.
This mix looks kind of runny—do you think it’s because of the rice milk? What do you mean “told you so?” You said it would be fine. (adds more pancake mix) Fixed it!
I know you’re hungry, girls, but what can I tell you? Pumpkin pancakes don’t grow on trees.
Okay, they’re looking good on the griddle. This one here looks ready for a flippin’ … (flips it over, it breaks in half and splatters all over counter) … I seriously think I am going to have an emotional breakdown.
(20 minutes later)
Breakfast I mean lunch is ready!
What’s the matter, babe? Well I wouldn’t have made so many if I realized you weren’t that hungry. Yeah, they’re a little dry, but that’s why God invented syrup.
What about you, girls? Do you like your pumpkin pancakes? Good, I’m so happy you’re not yet old enough to determine whether or not something tastes good. By the time you are, I’ll have this down pat. Promise.
Yes, we can still go to the park, after your mom helps me clean up. (we look at trail of destruction left behind in kitchen) What? I made breakfast!
Note: This column appears in the 11/7 issue of The Glendale Star and the 11/8 issue of the Peoria Times.