Spam email of the week

Subject: There is something I wanted to share with you..

Okay. That's pretty much implied when you send someone an email. Nevertheless!

If I were u I would never tell to any of friends that such a girl is
writing to u because she really makes mouths water!

And we're off! Here is me talking to my friends, trying to withhold this valuable information.

T-Mac: ... And then we made out all night! She was so hot! Like from a magazine or something. Hey Coop - toss me a brewskie, will ya'? All this talk about hot chicks is making me thirsty. For beer.

Me: That's a good one, T-Mac. Well, pretty good, I guess.

T-Mac: Hey man, whaddya mean "pretty good?"

Coop: Yeah, sounds like you got somethin' to say, K-Dawg ...

Me: Nah, it's nothing. She just ... didn't want me to say anything.

T-Mac: Oh that's bs, man! Cough up the goods, K-dawg - your with "The Crew," and you remember our motto?

Everyone: "Don't keep secrets from your bros, especially about hot chicks."

Me: Alright, alright ... she's gonna kill me, but here goes: This chick, right? She wrote to me. On email. Said she makes mouths water.

T-Mac: Whoa! She sounds hot ... TO THE MAX!

Me: I know, right?

Coop: Then what?

Me: That's it. I haven't read the rest of the email yet.

T-Mac: Wait, why didn't she want you to tell us that she makes mouths water?

Me: I don't know, probably because you guys would like, try to steal her or something.

T-Mac: What? Pfft. That's ridonk, bro! This is The Crew! We never - hey, where's Coop?

Me: Oh snap, he's trying to log on to my email! THAT'S MY GIRL, COOP!

I'm Glinda and I'm such a hot girl, u know)

Well, I don't know for sure. But I'm going to take your word for it because all this seems totes legit, GLINDA.

I have seen your profile page and I liked it, so I decided to write to you!
I wanna know you better. Probably we could make smth out, who knows?

Who knows? Maybe we will get married and have five children and your mom can move in with us when she gets dementia.

How did you guys meet?

Oh, me and Glinda? Well ... do you wanna tell, honey? Okay, I'll tell. Glinda here found a picture of me on the Internet and sent me an email saying that she is hot and makes guys mouths water. Ha, ha, she was kind of a weird slut. But there was something there ... some kind of connection. So a couple weeks later I met her in the food court of the mall and I soon discovered that she was okay looking, I guess, so we made something out of it. And here we are! How about you guys?

I forgot to tell you about myself.

You did! Luckily there's still time, since you're writing an email.

So, I am 26 and I work for one
pretty big retailer firm as a office manager. I'm 5'4, brown haired
with amazing breasts)

Welp, that's pretty much all I need to know. Here is my checklist for the perfect woman:
  • 5'4"
  • named after a character from the Land of Oz
  • works for pretty big retailer (not too big like JC Penney, but not too small like some mom and pop nonsense)
  • confident
  • amazing breasts, obvs
  • adorably thinks a closing parenthesis is a smiley face because she is a moron
  • brown hair
I guess it's the time for you to write smth)

I guess so, huh? Well here goes:

I am 35, happily married, have two girls who basically have special needs, and I make a decent living (zero dollars, annually) making fun of spam emails. I, too, make mouths water ... when I make my special mac n' cheese dinner. Also I have periodontal disease, maybe. My name is Scarecrow.