Thursday, July 25, 2013

Spam email of the week

Subject: CELEBRITY SWEAT GOES GLOBAL WITH NEW PARTNERSHIPS FORMED WITH PRINCIPLE MEDIA AND DEAL GLOBAL HOLDINGS

Amazing news! What is Celebrity Sweat, besides something I've been collecting in jars and selling on eBay?

Dear Mike

Pleased to make your acquaintance!


Likewise, email!

I’d like to take a few moments

BOR-RING. Sorry. Habit. Please continue.

to let you know about a press announcement concerning an exciting partnership between Celebrity Sweat, DEAL Global Holdings and Principle Media.

This sounds like an exciting partnership. What is Celebrity Sweat?

This is an exciting announcement concerning the global distribution of Celebrity Sweat,

This sounds like an exciting announcement. What is Celebrity Sweat?

the #1 celebrity fitness campaign featuring a wide variety of athletes and celebrities as well as hip hop singer Nelly.

How does one distribute a fitness campaign? No matter. I want IN. I've always looked up to Nelly as a rapper/singer/frequent participant in pseudo-celebrity softball/basketball games, so it's about time he taught me how to do chin-ups. He's got a great bod, so he must be doing something right! #nellybod

I feel like this story would be a great match for your media outlet

(deletes headline, "North Peoria residents concerned about low water pressure," replaces with, "SWEAT TO THE OLDIES NEW JAMS WITH HIP HOP SINGER NELLY-LED CELEBRITY SWEAT CAMPAIGN; SUBHEAD: 'IS IT GETTIN' HOT IN HERRRRRRRR OR DID RAPPER NELLY JUST MAKE ME DO 25 PUSH-UPS?' ASKS CELEBRITY KEVIN SORBO (HERCULES))

By the way this press release is longer than {famously long book} so Imma skip around, aiiiight? #whatwouldnellysay

Celebrity Sweat additionally held a VIP post party following the ESPYs on July 17 hosted by NELLY, featuring the Under Armor Red Carpet with NFL legend Deion Sanders, being brought to you by Footlocker.

That sentence is the exact moment when sponsorships crossed over into sponsoring sponsorships. This great moment in American advertising was hosted by Nelly, creator of the energy drink "Pimp Juice" (not a joke).

The party featuring Hip Hop singer NELLY and more than 50 other athletes and celebrities was sponsored by Under Armor and Footlocker and was held to raise money for the Boys and Girls Clubs of East LA.

Yeah but was Nelly there? "The VIP post-ESPYs party hosted by Nelly and featuring the Under Armor Red Carpet featuring NFL legend Deion Sanders - everything I just said being mercilessly brought to you by Footlocker - will donate 3 percent of its sales of Pimp Juice to the Boys and Girls Clubs of East LA." It's good to see corporate shills like Nelly and actual corporations sort of giving back to the community by hosting absurd, extravagant events of which minimal proceeds go to notable charities for PR purposes.

Where were we? I haven't even gotten my celebrity sweat on yet! What gives?

Stars supporting the brand at the event included Nelly (Hip-Hop Singer), 

Wait, Nelly was there???


Deion Sanders (NFL legend), DeAndre Jordan (Los Angeles Clippers), Matt Barnes (Los Angeles Clippers), Torrey Smith (NFL), Quinton Aaron (Actor, The Blind Side), Terry Crews (Actor, Expendables 2) Gabby Douglas (Olympic Gold Medalist, Gymnastics) Billy Blanks (Fitness Guru), Big John McCarthy (UFC Official), Eva Tamargo (Actress, The Haves and The Have Nots), Kevin Sorbo (Actor, Hercules), Kyla Deaver (Actress, The Conjuring), Lindsay Hayward (WWE), Loni Love (Comedian/Actress, Chelsea Lately), RaVaughn (Music Artist), Sean Patrick Thomas (Actor, Save the Last Dance), Adrienne Bailon (Co-Host, The Real).

Welp, I'm sold. When do I start? What is happening? Who is RaVaughn? I would like to order the Celebrity Sweat VHS tape in which RaVaughn and the actress from "The Conjuring" are teaching me how to do the Kid n' Play dance. Please tell me how to order that.

("Stars supporting the brand" are, I do realize, people who merely walked into the Celebrity Sweat VIP tent brought to you by Footlocker after the ESPYs. I like to imagine there was a person at the entrance of the tent furiously jotting down the names of the "celebrities" who passed through for the purposes of this very press release. "Oh snap there's famous UFC official Big John McCarthy! This press release is gonna KILL!")

Also: WHERE WERE YOU KEITH SWEAT? C'MON MAN!

Check out CSweat.com for more info and downloads on Celebrity Sweat.

Everybody please go there now, especially if you want to see pics of Nelly with his shirt off. If that doesn't convince you, there is a promo photo/video of Nelly with Michael Vick, which: great idea! Anyway, I had never heard of fitness before Celebrity Sweat, and if celebrities are doing it, then it must be cool and important. Wish me luck!

(buys Celebrity Sweat soccer ball at the online store)

(falls asleep)



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