Thursday, July 11, 2013

Spam email of the week

Today's email comes with a big 'ol red exclamation point. The red exclamation point means urgent and TO THE EXTREME. I am concerned. Let's see what's going on here ...

Subject: Did you drop in positions in Google due to this update?

Darn it I DON'T KNOW. I honestly hadn't even thought about such a thing until this email, and now I am panicking. The absolute last thing I want to happen to this company is for it to drop positions on Google due to some update I didn't even know about because I wasn't paying attention. Who uses Google anyway? Is that the thing now?

Hi,

The headline is alarming, so is the issue.


THANK YOU FOR EASING MY FEARS.

Google has rolled out an update called Penguin 2.0 last week that is going to have a BIG impact in the rankings of keywords for websites across the globe.

Oh snap they done rolled out Penguin? HOW COME NOBODY TOLD ME PENGUIN 2.0 CAME OUT? This is like that Y2K thing that never happened all over again! Nostradamus was right after all. I mean, shoot, I'm still working off Google version Duck Billed Platypus 6.5 over here. And by that I mean Yahoo. What gives?

The last year also there was an ‘earth shattering’ update, bringing many websites down to the ground and decimated the businesses.

Is earth shattering in quotes because the earth didn't really shake as a result of a search engine update? The terminology of websites being brought down to the ground shows that you really understand what websites are and are definitely not being overdramatic. That fact that this was almost a sentence shows that you know what you're talking about. What next? You have my attention and I want to send you some money to fix everything.

This is the 4th Penguin-related update which Google has done to its search mechanism,

I want to put this sentence in a box and travel back in time to bring it with me to fourth grade for show and tell and try to explain it to my class.

and websites indulging in SEO malpractices are the prime target of this update.

I thought updates were updates but I guess they are targeted missiles? I feel like I am in a movie!

Commander: Penguin 2.0 ready for launch.

Will Smith: Welcome to Earth, you SEO malpractice bastards.

Me (white guy): I'm gettin' too old for this sh*t.

To see if your site has been hit with the update, please ask your marketing folks or SEO company to:

• Run a keyword ranking report

• Google Analytics Traffic report

• Check your webmaster tools account for notifications


I will definitely do all those things and I definitely understand what they mean. I just logged on to our websites and they have been decimated! All I get is a picture of The Penguin with a word bubble that reads, "HA HA HA 2.0 ME WILL BURN THIS WEBSITE HOUSE DOWN TO THE GROUND, BATMAN! So I immediately ran a Google Analytics Traffic report and it says, "Are you sure you want to shut down?" I threw my computer out the window to be safe.

However, if you feel that you have been impacted and have no idea how to check this for yourself, or you'd like to know if you've been hit by Penguin 2.0, please let us know and we'll get right back to you.

This email sounds a phone conversation I would have with my dad:

Dad: Did you hear? Penguin got everything.

Me: Yeah, wait - what?

Dad: Yep, it's been all over the news. Penguin destroyed all the computers. Wall Street's down. Russia is down. They got everything.

Me: I just ... "they?" Who? WHAT?

If you don’t understand these jargons, and wonder how to get your website ethically to the top of search results, you need to reply to this email.

You seem nothing if not ethical. I have replied to this email with the words, "S.O.S. DON'T UNDERSTAND JARGONS, PENGUIN HOLDING US HOSTAGE. OVER."

Have a wonderful day.


How are you gonna end it like that? I am NOT having a wonderful day. OBVIOUSLY.

I'm gettin' too old for this sh*t.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh...my...goodness- what a laugh! Accurate hypothetical phone conversation, lol!

Jill

Anonymous said...

This is delightful. Bless you sir.