Thursday, July 18, 2013

Spam email of the week

Subject: Both sales books

At first I thought this email was targeted at me in an effort to help me sell my book. Oh you didn't know I have a book? It's a book and you can buy it! Anyway, that is not what this email is about. This email is about two sales books about sales, neither of which are my book, which you can buy and which is not about sales but does have a chapter about clogging the toilet. I am considering buying these two sales books to help me sell my one book. Let's see if they can sell me.

"One of these top dog secrets can earn you a fortune."
-Jeffrey Gitomer


This is the opening quote of the email. I thought the Dalai Lama said that, or that it was from Proverbs. But this amazing quote re: top dog secrets was actually uttered by famous person Jeffrey Gitomer. I just Googled Jeffrey Gitomer and he has a Wikipedia page. Like this email, the word "sales" appears approximately 8 million times on his Wiki page, so I guess he is famous in the sales community a.k.a. not famous.

I'm writing to recommend two remarkable books that have helped thousands of sales professionals increase their sales. Top Dog Sales Secrets and Top Dog Recession-Busting Sales Secrets were written by 50 top sales growth experts and they cover every major area of sales.

When I am interested in earning a fortune, which I am, I like to hear terms like "top dog," "secrets," and "recession-busting" because then I know I am dealing with real-deal, legit things and not some crap. Therefore, I would like not one but TWO books re: top dog sales secrets. I would like to be the top dog of my respective field (sales) because that is a thing people say.

Here is your Top Dog plaque for most sales by a top dog, top dog.

Woof, woof, mother ******ers! Ha, ha ... seriously though, thanks. I couldn't have sold all that stuff without MY top dog, my wife, Jennie. Stand up, Jennie! Now sit down. Who wants to buy my wife?


America's leading sales teams pay these experts a small fortune to show them new ways to boost their sales.

Who are America's leading sales teams and why are they paying other people millions of dollars to give them sales advice? I don't really understand sales, but to me sales is just saying "sales" lots of times in conference rooms full of other self-proclaimed top dogs whose lives are bereft of any substance.

For the first time Top Dog Sales Secrets and Top Dog Recession-Busting Sales Secrets are being offered as a set with free shipping and at a big discount. Includes 2 Bonuses, Little Red Book of Selling by Jeffrey Gitomer, and 57 Sales Tips to Reinvent & Distinguish Yourself From Your Competition by Jim Meisenheimer.

That is A LOT of sales secrets. Dang, y'all got books by Gitomer AND Meisenheimer? That's cray, yo. Questions: Do any of these secrets overlap? How do I distinguish sales secrets from sales tips, and are there more than 57 of the latter or is there another book I can buy that contains the rest? I have been extremely interested in sales for literally my entire life, but I have never wanted to pay shipping, so this is fantastic.

You'll also find that, as sales go up, stress goes down.

This is a great life lesson, and one that I don't think is driven home enough by our society today. Make money and stress goes away. It's that simple. Grandma is sick, past abuses are starting to resurface and world events have you questioning your faith in mankind? MAKE THAT MONEY, TOP DOG.

You'll get the real-world answers you need from this inner circle of renowned sales experts. Their clear, concise and solution-based advice is pure gold! "It's like reading the best ideas from 50 sales books all in one book. It's awesome!" — Michele Nichols

Thanks, Michele Nichols! Your exclamation point and use of the term "it's awesome!" have really convinced me to buy that book. Which top dog secrets book are you referring to, however, and also WHO ARE YOU? (I just Googled Michele Nichols and she is famous for being on LinkedIn. Or maybe she played Joyce on "Charlie's Angels." My apologies.)

Anyway, I bought both of these books, mostly for their "solutions-based advice." (I hate when you get advice that's like, "Just create another problem to distract you from this one." So annoying.) I am going to bring these books to the beach and read them on the beach for leisure ... I am back from the beach and now I am a top dog sales dog who knows all the secrets and tips. Unrelated: I am going to start charging $1,000 daily to read this blog and all the important stuff is contains. Rollin' Gitomer-style now, haters. Love, No. 1 Top Dog.

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