Thursday, December 20, 2012

Spam email of the week

Subject: Alert! Your email will be blacklisted soon.

So guys, it turns out I have been the problem all along. I AM THE SPAM. How did this happen? I have no idea, but let's find out more about my spamness from this email that is totally not spam, but the spam police.

Dear  %email%,

Dear Spacebar Spacebar PercentageemailPercentageComma is the way this salutation reads in words. The spam police are hilarious. They just get it, ya' know?

We received complaints about spam coming from your network.

OH SNAP WHO BE SNITCHIN'????????????

Spam bots are sending bulk emails, for the security reasons your email will be blacklisted.

Listen, the three spam bots we employ here have been told repeatedly to NOT send bulk emails or they risk termination. As their supervisor I will come to their defense here -- I do not believe these accusations. Turning to spam bots ... But so help me God if you three betray my trust after I put my neck out on the line ...

To avoid blacklisting please check your Sent folder for unknown emails

I did, no worries. WHEW. "It wasn't me." -- Shaggy. Please don't blacklist me, thus preventing me from getting emails like this, where I am threatened to be blacklisted. Is there anything else I can do to prove my innocence?

and prove that you are human by entering this code 9999 here .

Will typing 9999 into a web link really prove that I am human? Why don't I just describe a sunset? Or attach a picture of my genitals/butt? (Being able to describe sunsets and having genitals and butts are really, when you think about it, the only differences between us and the spam bots.)

Your email will be recorded and spam flag will be removed. No other data will be collected.

I desperately searched the Internet for almost three minutes in the hope that someone out there had Photoshopped a picture of spam -- the nonmeat product -- onto a flag. But alas. Please accept the fact that I looked for this as a sort of joke re: spam flag. Also, it's a relief to know that no other data will be collected after I confirm my human existence. I was willing to provide SS#, CC#s, etc. You know what? Maybe I'll do that anyway, just to be safe.

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