Spam email of the week

Subject: You’ve just been nominated as a Top Doctor!

See that, MOM?

Hi Dr. Dahlin,

I am not a doctor and that is not my last name. But go on.

I’m extremely excited to share that you’ve just been nominated and have an opportunity to win our Top Doctor competition!

Cool! I hope I don't have to do something gross during this competition, like touch my eyeball, or perform surgery. Will this competition be on the CW Network or something, so I can focus more on drinking and fighting than doing doctor things?

NEXT TIME on "America's Next Top Doctor ..."

Host, Mario Lopez: Okay fellow doctors, today is a very important challenge -- Cardiothoracic surgery!

Juanita: I KNOW you just didn't say I look fat in my scrubs!

Me: I SAID you look UGZZ in your scrubs ... 'cause it rhymes, B!%@#! Throw wine glass across the room.


Mario Lopez: Unfortunately, you are NOT America's Next Top Doctor. Please hand in your scalpel.

The point is, I am not a doctor. I can barely put a mostly pre-assembled small table together, much less human parts. Nevertheless, I accept the nomination.

This is great news, because you can now gain powerful recognition for your expertise in front of millions of patients and colleagues everywhere.

My expertise at how not to be a doctor is so extensive and far-reaching, I'm not exactly sure where to start. If I had to, I guess, whittle these areas of expertise down to just a few, for the purposes of gaining recognition from millions, I think they would be as follows:

-Guessing the exact time without looking at a clock (within like 5 minutes, CONSISTENTLY)
-Baseball cards ('86-91)
-Knowing where everything is most things are some things are in Safeway

I plan on taking an hour-long video of me doing these things, and then uploading it to some doctor website so I can win this dang competition. I see no other way.

To win one of our Top Doctor awards, simply verify your profile today.

Oh. I  just have to verify my profile on a website? A website that already thinks I am a doctor for some unknown reason? CONFIRM, CLICK. Being a doctor is a mad easy! I guess what they say in the industry (doctors) is true: "It's not being a doctor that's difficult, it's a staying a doctor. Also when you have to touch an old person's butt, which is gross." -- Dr. Dre