Thursday, August 09, 2012

Spam email of the week

After soliciting to see other people's junk, fellow blogger Chunter showed me his. And let me just say ... it's not real, and it's fantastic.

Subject: Khadija Mohamed-Sent you an auction item from LiveAuctioneers.com

Before you get all excited about Khadija Mohamed sending you an auction item from LiveAuctioneers.com, I just want to say--that is not at all what happened, whatsoever. There is nary a mention of an auction item in this entire email. I don't know what the motivation was behind that subject header, because what Khadijia Mohamed is really offering is much, much better.

Good day my Dear I am sorry to disturb you with this message pls bear with me, i decided to let you know base on what am going through.

I will bear with you, Khadija, rest easy. Please, continue to let me know base on what you are going through, which is a thing that totally makes sense.

My name is Khadija Mohamed, A final year student in University of Cocody Abidjan Code D'Ivoire.

The University of Cocody Abidjan Code D'Ivoire is an elite university on the Ivory Coast. According to its mission statement, its students are renown for sending bizarre emails to strangers and for their terrible grammar.

My father was one of the ministers during Laurent Gbagbo regime. My father was murdered along with my mother by the Alassane-Ouattara rebels when they were moving from the capital city to the village where they relocated during Cote D'ivoire political crises.

So this got real personal, real fast, considering I do not know Khadija Mohamed and had earlier assumed I was about to place a bid at auction. Even though I am history major, I know nothing about the Alassane-Ouattara rebels, but I Googled them and dudes are mad cray. Anyways, I am sorry your parents were murdered, but I am comforted knowing that you are not a real person and this entire thing is a scam.

It was only me left and i move to my uncle during political crises. The funeral of my parent was hold and my uncle requested that i should give him some of my fathers documents. I refused and he collaborated with his wife and turn against me.

I'm sorry, I don't want to seem insensitive, but why are you telling me this? This is a lot to take in for a person who is at his desk eating a muffin. Anyway, it seems like your uncle is a dick, IMO.

My father has a lot of properties in Cote D'ivoire which some of them were seized by the current president. In course of searching for my father's properties, my uncle's wife served me a poison meal.

Been there, my brother. My own father has a lot of property (1) in central New Jersey, and one time my uncle's wife, who I call my "aunt," made a cheesecake that wasn't so good.

But as God may have it, i was weak that day and have some symptom of malaria and lost of appetite, i had no appetite to eat the food, i waited and take the food to dog.

Have you considered making a movie about your life? You could call it, "Saved By Malaria," and feature it at Sundance.

Surprising, the following morning the dog died

That is not surprising.

Everybody were asking what happen, after an hour my uncle's wife came to me and asked me if i eat the food last night and i responded yes of course. From that moment i discovered that i was not safe there and i have no option than to make a move to save my life.

"Hey, Khadija, did you eat dinner last night? I'm just asking because it's weird that you're alive right now. Also, why is there a dead dog on the floor?" -- Khadija Mohamed uncle's wife

I run out from the house and move to my course mate family house where she leaves with her parent in other to save me life.

That sentence belongs in the Museum of Nonsense. Also, are you a pirate?

Before the dealth of my father, he distinguished and deposited the sum of $4.5M Dollars with a security company which he kept for the importation of industrial machine .

Your dad was like, "Here's a distinguished sum of $4.5 mil. Call me when they're ready to import the industrial machine." Then he died. Typical. Have you talked to Jack Bauer about all this? I feel like maybe he could help.

he kept the money in a sealed box and deposited it with a security company, I crave your indulgence as I contact you in such a surprising manner.

Granted, I WAS surprised to receive this, but someone like you--a person who I don't know at all and who is weird and who writes with the ebb and flow of a demented child--craving my indulgence is why I got into email in the first place.

I want the security company to move or ship the sealed box out of this country to your country to be legally claimed by you.

Oh, that's all? Pfft. Just give me the number! I'll call them up and be like, "Yo, security company? This is Mike. No, Mike Kenny, duh. Yeah. So I got an email from a dude named Khadija Mohamed about transferring $4.5 mil in a sealed box from him to me. No biggie. So, do you like, need me to fax over my signature or whatever?" I don't foresee this being a problem.

I guarantee you that this venture is risk free

No worries. Consider this a virtual handshake. Besides, I'm sure this email with you guaranteeing the risk-free nature of this venture will hold up in court.

i want you to help me invest this money in any lucrative business over there in your country.

No probs, Khadija. And how did you know about my expertise in investing? Was it because you found my blog where I mostly make fun of my old sports cards? Anyway, yeah, we'll invest in like, Twitter, or Arby's, or really any company here in America, where things are financially awesome right now.

As for me i want to come over to your country immediately i confirm from you that you have recieved the box and continue my education.

That is pretty much the best plan I have ever heard of.
Step 1: Get to America. (Easy, breezy ... as long as you avoid Arizona.)
Step 2: Confirm I have the sealed box that contains $4.5 million. (I will.)
Step 3: Enroll at an online college or whatever.

Please if you are willing to assist me,indicate your interest in replying soonest. This is my reason for writing you. Thanks and best regards, Khadija Mohamed.

I just met you ... and this crazy ... but I'll pick up your sealed box ... call me maybe.

3 comments:

Chunter said...

Is it weird if I say I ate Arby's today?

mkenny59 said...

Unless you eat there all the time ... yeah. That's some esp right there.

Bill said...

You know who else's parents were murdered? Batman. Just sayin'...