Thursday, July 19, 2012

Spam email of the week

Subject: AD CONTENT...I need pricing estimate

I'm no Sherlock Holmes, but it seems like someone has some AD CONTENT that he needs a pricing estimate for. That someone? None other than our old friend who I've never heard of/from before and two-first-name-having gigolo, Ken Stewart. (Note: The period there is not to end the sentence; Ken Stewart. ends in a period, according to Ken Stewart.((.))).

Hello,

Hello!

We are pleased to inform you

OHMYGOODNESS WHAT DID I WIN??? Hopefully a free iPad! JUST FOR BEING ME.

that we are interested in placing the recruitment advertising

Oh. I guess that is also exciting, that I would have some work to do, were this email not spam.

with your newspaper publications today and I would be so glad if you can quote me to place the below employment ad content in your newspaper for 3 weeks in print and 30 days for the online categories.

First all, take a breath, Ken Stewart. Also, will it really make you so glad -- so glad -- if I can quote you on an ad? If so, you should find a ladybot, go out, have a drink, see a show, whatever. Also, the fact that you know the name of our newspaper is "newspaper publications" shows that you have done your research, so you've got my attention. By the way, so you know, our online categories are "boats," "news," "purple," "recruitment," "cats," "Asia?," and "lifestyle." Your ad will fit nicely into all of them.

AD TITTLE: PERSONAL ASSISTANCE NEEDED

"Assistance needed?" AD COPY: I have fallen and I cannot get up. Please send someone.

We are looking for an Office Assistant.

An office assistant is not a personal assistant. Totally different things, for the record. I feel like this may confuse potential candidates.

Duties include greeting clients,

"Pfft. Who do I look like, Greeter McGreeterson?" -- Unqualified person

answering phones, and routing mail, data entry and retrieve,

"Johnson! Retrieve that data that I previously asked you to enter!"

"But boss, I don't remember where I put it!"

"YOU LIED ON YOUR RESUME! YOU DON'T SPECIALIZE IN DATA RETRIEVE AFTER ALL!"

scheduling and calender maintenance,Ideal candidates will have proven customer service skills in an administrative setting and experience with Microsoft Office applications email resumes to

I just want to say that a period would go nicely somewhere in there, mostly to specify that the candidate need not have experience in email resumes.

(email)

I won't give away the email, but the first part of the address is "openingposition" and it's a gmail account. Seems like a good place to send over a bunch of personal information.

IF INTERESTED

Please, idiots, only email your resumes if you are interested in the position. Ken Stewart. does not have time to sift through a bunch of resumes from people uninterested in the fake position for which they are not really applying. Geez.

Await to read back from you soon.

Thank You,
Ken Stewart.


Your wait is over, Ken Stewart.! Read this: This ad will cost sixty-eight hundred Euros to appear in newspaper publications for a period of eight nonconsecutive weeks. Please mail me your credit card and I will it swipe it through my butt, achieving the same level of pointlessness as this email.

2 comments:

troy said...

Was just at Starbucks -- you know, for the articles -- and I was finally on deck, but I had to leave without getting anything. Turns out the guy in front of me had no idea what he was doing. He was just staring at the various options and their prices, occasionally looking at the pastries, then back at the priceboard. When he would crane his head around at the area with the sugar and the cinnamon, and I could see his face, well, he just looked so lost, like he really could have used some help, but didn't have any. I swear, I thought he was going to cry. Maybe, eventually, he did. As I turned to go back to the office, I saw his credit card in his hand. His name? Ken Stewart. Period. Nice going, Kenny.

mkenny59 said...

We're taking 'em down one at a time, baby! I will not be deterred by you guilting me into empathy! Maybe Ken Stewart. shouldn't have applied for an office assistant if he needed so much personal assistance, ya' know? Anyway, thanks for being my eyes and ears out there are on the streets, troy!