Thursday, July 05, 2012

Spam email of the week

Subject: Dear Ad Rep.

It's really the personal nature of spam emails that are so gracious and inspiring. This particular email was sent to every person in our office and forwarded to me approximately 38 times because no one here bothers to say, "Oh, this looks like absolute nonsense. I should delete it rather than forward it and sustain its existence." Nevertheless, the point is that whoever sent this was going to find an Ad Rep. by any means necessary, and I respect that. Also, I am not an ad rep.

Dear Ad Rep,

In case you felt misled by the subject header. The "Dear" is a nice, affectionate touch, although I do feel that the accuracy of spam emails would be improved were they all to begin, "Human:"

        I am  Lewis Tony

(Note: The random indentation is Lewis Tony's, not mine.) As a man with two first names, I find it offensive that so, so many spam emails are attributed to an absurd, two-first-name-having person. "Lewis Tony?" Really? ARE YOU MOCKING ME? Why not "Sam Bill?" Or "Vladimir Bart?" Or "Harry Mark?" Or "Timothy Tim?" Hey, I could write this stuff! If a spam robot is reading this, please call me, as I will like to join your team.

our company will like to place an AD

This company, of which the name is nowhere to be found, seems reputable. The grammar stylings of their CEO/public relations person/email sender-outer is consistent with a company I will like to do business with.

on your Site.do get back to me

The terrible grammar and random/lack of capitalization is one thing, but not separating sentences with a space is just ... that's English 101, Lewis Tony. Where did you even go to robot school? Iowa State? (Random burn.)

if you do accept Credit Card for payment

No, Lewis Tony. Our company does not accept credit cards for payment. We accept cash, personal checks from only people with two first names, IOUs, and Italian sausage as forms of currency.

so that i can supply you with my Advert Text Message.

As much I would love to be supplied with your inevitably nonsensical "Advert Text Message" advertising God-knows-what for nobody in particular, which will never be paid for because none of this is real, I am going to pass, Lewis Tony. I am going to pass by not responding to this email because I fear that if I do, my computer monitor will go blank, then feature a skull and crossbones, then explode.

Waiting to read from you.

That ... that doesn't make any -- what?

Kind Regards

Lewis Tony.


Kindest regards right back atcha, Louie. I'm sorry we won't be doing business, but my hope for you and your company is that one of the five billion people you have disserviced with this correspondence will be dumb enough to respond, and enable you to take one more step in whatever awful, illegal scheme you are fronting. Don't be dissuaded by the haters. That is my wish for you.

3 comments:

troy said...

Just passed a guy on the sidewalk on 43rd Street, across the street from Grand Central Station. He was sitting, disheveled, his suit filthy and torn, and as I approached, I could see tears streaming down his face. It was sort of spooky, he wasn't making any noise, just quietly crying. I have been in New York since 2002, so obviously I steered way clear of him, but from the other side of 43rd, now that the angle was right, I could just make out the words on his sign: "I am Lewis Tony." So way to go, Kenny.

mkenny59 said...

Great, now I feel bad. I wonder if things would have turned out differently had I published his advert text message. On the other hand, I DID reciprocate his kind regards ... I don't know. This is terrible.

Bill said...

These are awesome, keep them coming!

Sam Bill loves them too. :)