Classic card of the week

Kent Tekulve, 1989 Score

Kent Tekulve was a submarine pitcher who wore Blue Blockers when he pitched. Did it add an allure of mystery and even fear to his performances? I don’t know, let’s ask this card.

Kent, a veteran submarine reliever who strikes fear in the hearts of righthanded hitters

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES RIGHT-HANDED HITTERS! THE 40-YEAR OLD MAN WHO WEARS SUNGLASSES IS GONNA PITCH UNDERHANDED UP IN YO’ FACE!

In all seriousness, I honestly do not know how major league ballplayers are able to read submarine-style pitches. Personally, I would just stand there and hope for a walk, all the while fuming that this fluky pitching motion is causing me to stand there and wait for a walk. I would also be deathly afraid that every pitch was going to hit me, but then again, I would probably feel that way about every pitcher, which is one reason I am not a major league ballplayer (another reason: talent).

Let’s see what Wikipedia has to say with regards to Mr. Tekulve …

Tekulve is well known for showing off his 1979 World Series ring, which he won while playing for the Pittsburgh Pirates.

You really have to show something off a lot to get a reputation for doing so, and I am skeptical as to how Wikipedia came to this biographical conclusion.

Wikipedia writer: Hello, Mr. Tekulve. I was hoping to ask you a few questions about your life for our free online encyclopedia …

Tekulve: Sure thing, young fella’! Shakes writer’s hand. Sorry for the clunky handshake, got my ’79 Series ring on today!

Wiki writer: Can you believe this guy? Writes notes furiously.

Tekulve: Are you talkin’ to me? What are you writing?

First of all, Tekulve posted a 2.75 ERA in 92 innings pitched in ’79. He also posted three saves in the World Series—a record until John Wetteland broke it in ’96—including the game-winner. If Kent Tekulve wants to show off that ring, he should be able to do so as often as he pleases without any eye rolls, okay? If I were a scrub on a World Series-winning team who didn’t even make the postseason roster but got a ring anyway in a gesture of goodwill, you best believe I’d be showing that thing off as often as I could.

At the pool ...

Wife: You coming in?

Me: Don’t think so. Don’t wanna get my WORLD SERIES RING rusty. Looking around to see who heard.

Wife: Ugh. Why don’t you just take it off?

Me: Naa.

At church …

Me: Peace be with you! Sorry—got my World Series ring on. Yeah, I was on the team. Peace be with you! Okay, this handshake is lasting too long. Awkward. If you want to see my World Series ring, just ask, okay, buddy? Peace be with you! I’m going to shake with this hand, because I’m wearing my World Series ring on the other hand, and “Johnny-Shakes-Too-Long” over there thinks he’s an ex-ballplayer or something.