Vampire weekend

Last weekend my wife and I attended a vampire-themed adult birthday party. As I am wont to do when it comes to readying myself for a vampire party, I waited until the last minute to consider what I would do for a vampire costume.

My original idea was to wear two popped-collared polo shirts, khakis, and cons and go as Vampire Weekend. But I decided against that because I didn’t know anybody going to the party and I feared the outfit would go over like a lead balloon.

Me: Hi, I’m Mike.

Person Dressed as Vampire: Hi, I’m Mark. Looks at me up and down, awkward silence…

Me: I’m Vampire Weekend.

Person Dressed as Vampire: What’s that?

Me: Oh, they’re a band, kind of like, intentionally preppy, but actually pretty awesome …

Person Dressed as Vampire
: Is it a one-person band with no instruments?

Me: No, there’s a few guys in the band, but uhhh, I don’t have any friends here, so …

Person Dressed as Vampire: Oh, okay. Cool. I’m Dracula. Dracula is a vampire.

Repeat conversation 28 times throughout night.

I was trying to avoid dressing as a standard vampire because my wife had purchased vampire capes at Party City for each of us, and I wanted to return one because I thought it was way too expensive for a vampire cape purchased in May. Vampire capes purchased in May at Party City should cost three dollars. We talked about me wearing and then returning it, but I knew that I would definitely, without question, spill something on it, rendering me unable to return it, which would cause a fight later. Believe me—it wouldn’t be the first time my wife got upset because I spilled something on a vampire cape we were hoping to return to the store at a later date.

I then had the idea—only because I wanted to wear shorts—to go as Eddie Munster. There was much discussion as to whether or not Eddie Munster was even a vampire. My wife said that his dad was Frankenstein, but his grandfather—or was it uncle? I don’t know—was a vampire. We were too short on time to Google it, so I yelled downstairs to my parents to ask.

Yes, my parents had just gotten into town, visiting us from New Jersey. Two hours after their arrival, we left them at the house to go to a vampire party. But not before I loud-whispered to them, because our daughter was sleeping, from upstairs, asking, “Mom, dad, pssstttt! Was Eddie Munster a vampire?” My mom’s response was, “What about the mustard?” and my dad just laughed. They did not have an answer.

So I went as Eddie Munster. No one really questioned it, at least to my face, and I was happy, and my legs were cool, and I had lots of fun. Most of the vampire costumes were pretty awesome. In fact, almost every female there including my wife was wearing the same exact Party City cape, which was a nice ice breaker. There was also a couple there dressed as The Joker and a court jester. The offshoot theme was the Twilight series, so I am assuming that the Twilight movies, which I have never seen, feature The Joker and a court jester, especially since the court jester won "best vampire costume." I, however, won the award for "tallest Eddie Munster," which was not an actual award until I asked our wonderful host if it could be, and she allowed it.

On Monday my wife wrote on my facebook wall that Eddie Munster was a werewolf or something. I deduced from the commercials that there is at least one werewolf in Twilight, so I was okay, according to the two-degrees of Eddie Munster theory.