Classic card of the week

Allen Iverson, 1998 NBA Hoops

This is the third card from this series that I have posted. It also will not be the last. I’m sorry -- I can’t help myself. The write-ups on the back of these cards are simply too good to pass up, and I had an inkling that the Allen Iverson one would be gold. It did not disappoint:



What? No socks? AI, you’re “breaking ankles” with all your skating. Fifth in the league in rips and eight in points. I have a CB…we know you’ve got handle.

I am on nonsense overload right now. Let’s break this one down bit by bit:

What? No socks?

I don’t understand the question. Allen Iverson wears socks. Every basketball player wears socks. I can think of few things more disgusting than the thought of a basketball player not wearing socks. For evidence of Allen Iverson wearing socks, please reference: this card.

AI, you’re “breaking ankles” with all of your skating.

I am unsure if the socks comment is in relation to Allen Iverson’s ability to break ankles. If so, I don’t understand the question. I don’t know how socks relate to getting your ankles broken, and whether or not Allen Iverson does not wear socks -- which he does -- when he breaks ankles, or if his opponent should not bother wearing socks because his ankles are going to get broken regardless. In any case, if I was a) going to break someone’s ankles with my skating, I would wear socks, and if I was b) about to get my ankles broken by Allen Iverson, I would wear lots of socks.

Also: For all of the crap spewed on the back of these cards, I enjoy how “breaking ankles” is in quotes. The only phrase that I actually understand out of this whole thing is in quotes. I think this is awesome.

Fifth in the league in rips and eighth in points.

“Rips” should be in quotes. If I were to say to a person who had just finished playing in a basketball game, “Hey man, nice game. How many rips did you have?” that person would have no idea what I was talking about. If I did the quotes-motion with my hands when I said “rips,” that person might be able to deduce that I meant “steals,” but they would also think that I was a very strange person. Therefore, “rips” should be in quotes.

I have a CB…we know you’ve got handle.

You have a CB? Congratulations! That is awesome! What is a CB? Seriously. I am not even joking right now. I do not know what a CB is. Currently, I am assuming that it is a device that can figure out whether or not an NBA player has got handle. If I am incorrect, please do not email me, because I would prefer to think of a CB as such, and I would like to purchase one online, if possible. In conclusion, I will now post this write-up in full with quotes where I deem necessary:

What? No “socks?” “AI,” you’re breaking ankles with all your “skating.” Fifth in the league in “rips” and eighth in points. I have a “CB”…we know you’ve “got handle.”

Word.

Did you know?
In 1992-93, Iverson predecessor and confidant Mark Price dished more than thrice as many dimes as he had rips.