Classic card of the week

Greg Briley, 1991 Score

See? Now this is a sweet-lookin’ baseball card. Horizontal is the only means by which to capture the slugging nature of one Greg Briley. Let’s find out more:



Greg, who is barely 5-8,

If this is nitpicking, I don’t really care. 5-8? Greg, who is barely 5-8 years of age, has provided surprising pop and a flourishing mustache for the Little League Mariners of Maricopa County. Or, Greg, who is barely 5-8 hours away from being called down to the minors, likes wonton soup. Thus ends our segment: “Fun with grammatical errors.” This should read -- as it does below his picture:

Greg, who is barely 5’8”

The point of all this is that Greg Briley is small. He was the latter day, and black, David Eckstein. Latter-day Blaeckstein is what his friends referred to him by. Or, as his Wikipedia page mentions, Pee Wee. Greg Briley was a man of many nicknames. Where were we? Oh yes:

Greg, who is barely 5-8, proved that size is no deterrent in the major leagues, if you have talent and desire.

In this formula: Being small + talent + desire = Not being small + talent + desire. Greg Briley proved this formula by hitting five home runs in 1990. Everybody can play major league baseball if they want to. Size is of no consequence. I am starting a team tomorrow. Manute Bol is going to play center field, Emmanuel Lewis will be our third baseman, and a talented newborn baby Chihuahua will pitch. I will call this team the Kannapolis Intimidators. I hope that name is not taken.

“He is all muscle and he’s the best fastball hitter on the club,” said manager Jim Lefebvre. “He reminds me of Joe Morgan. The kid is going to be great.”

I have never seen Greg Briley with his shirt off, but if he is indeed “all muscle,” then he is Ned Flanders. Also, if Greg Briley is the best fastball hitter on your club, then you should probably get another fastball hitter, because your club is going to finish 73-89 in 1989, due mainly to their inability to hit fastballs out of the ballpark. Also, Jim Lefebvre should not be managing a baseball team. Also, I just looked up Jim Lefebvre’s Wiki page and here is what happened:

Jim Lefebvre had roles on several television shows including Gilligan’s Island and Batman. His role on Batman was of a henchman for the Riddler.

I have no idea if this is true, but it does serve to explain the previous anecdote:

Greg Briley is the next Joe Morgan. And I should know, because I used to work for the Riddler.
-- Jim Lefebvre

Speaking of Wikipedia, one more note on Greg Briley:

For 2009, he was named the hitting coach for the Kannapolis Intimidators

Darn it.

Did you know?
Thus concludes my humble ode to the folks at the now-defunct FJM, the greatest website ever invented. And I really mean that.