Thursday, April 24, 2008

Classic card of the week



Jeff Kent, 1996 Topps

One of my favorite things about Jeff Kent -- besides the fact that, by many accounts, he can be a total dick -- is his ability to drag the glam of the late 80’s/early 90’s straight into 2008, as if every progressive fashion trend that occurred during that time was just a passing fad. There is virtually no difference between the Jeff Kent of 1992 and the Jeff Kent of 2008. That’s probably why, according to the bizarre last line of his Wikipedia page, “he is often mistaken for Jeff Foxworthy.” Apparently, white + mustache = Jeff Foxworthy. (Although, Jeff Kent DOES have his own line of beef jerky, which is a strange coincidence.) I am working on getting this line changed to: “He is often mistaken for Rance Mulliniks, who is often mistaken for Jeff Foxworthy…by nobody in particular.” I’ll keep you updated on my progress.

But enough shenanigans -- let’s check out the back of the card:



Kent’s knack for out-producing his athletic abilities made him a favorite of Manager Dallas Green

Question: How does someone out-produce their athletic abilities? Honestly. How do you do something better than your own ability allows you to do it? You cannot, as this is impossible. What the author of this tidbit, who is racist, meant to say was:

Jeff Kent has a mustache, and is also white, and probably, I would guess, not very fast. So it is strange, to me and only me, and maybe to Dallas Green, that he is so adept at playing baseball.

The idea that Jeff Kent is successful despite having limited athletic ability (being white) is so freakin’ absurd, it actual gets me a little riled up. He’s a PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL PLAYER, and not just that, but a future Hall-of-Famer as well, and arguably the greatest second baseman ever. He has plenty of athletic ability, thank you. But what does Dallas Green have to say about Jeff Kent’s knack for out-doing what Jeff Kent can do?

If everybody had his insides, they’d be something special.

I am confused. If everybody had Jeff Kent’s insides, they’d be something special, but that would mean that everybody is special, thus, by the very definition of special, rendering nobody special. I would not want to live in that world, where nobody is special, because everybody is walking around with Jeff Kent’s insides. However, it could be that Dallas Green was acknowledging that it is impossible for everybody to have Jeff Kent’s insides, but if somebody could manage to obtain Jeff Kent’s kidney, that person would be special, like Jeff Kent himself, who is special, because of his knack for out-doing what Jeff Kent can do. It’s pretty simple, actually.

Did you know?

In 2007, the normally reliable Vin Scully called the first six innings of a Dodgers game under the impression that Jeff Foxworthy was playing second base.

2 comments:

Bill said...

"If you've ever broken your wrist while washing your truck...you might be Jeff Kent."

"If you've ever worn your Rance Mulliniks replica jersey to your sister's wedding...you might be Jeff Kent."

CMB said...

Hold up, I had Jeff Kent on my fantasy team in the past and he did well for me.
Don't pick on the hillbillie!