We’ve already fake interviewed the head coaches involved, so this week – Super Bowl week! – we’re going to instead pretend to sit down with the second most important person on each team – the left tackle. Wait, I’m sorry…the quarterback! And this time, we’re sitting down with both QBs at the same time. Ladies and gentlemen, the stars of Super Bowl XLI: Sexy Rexy and Peyton What’s His Face.
Me: Okay. Which one of you guys is the white guy?
Rex Grossman: We’re both white.
Me: No, no. I mean, the really white guy.
Peyton Manning: We’re both pretty white.
Me: Who’s the Kenny Chesney fan with the fairly large forehead who always does things by the book?
Manning: I like Kenny Chesney, but I don’t think my foreh…
Me: Alright, got it. I just didn’t want to get the two of you confused. I’ve never done two interviews at the same time, and it’s weird when you guys don’t have your uniforms on.
Grossman: I’m wearing a Bears hat.
Me: The two of you have taken virtually parallel paths to get here. Peyton, you’re the best among the “first family of quarterbacks,” who is beloved in Indy, and who finally beat his archrival to get here, thus solidifying your position as one of the all-time great NFL quarterbacks. Rex, you also play quarterback. It’s almost like you’re the same person!
Grossman: People often get us confused.
Manning: Nobody’s ever confused me with him before.
Me: And let’s be honest here – both of you have capitalized on your extreme marketability. Rex, you’re in the commercial where you and teammate Muhsin Muhammad agree to use your cell phones to vote for each other for the Pro Bowl. A stretch, considering your well-documented QB ratings – and it obviously didn’t work - but still. Peyton, you’re in every commercial that is not the aforementioned Rex Grossman commercial. In fact, your overexposure makes Tiki Barber look like Marvin Harrison. Explain how this all went down.
Manning: For me, it started to take on a life of it’s own. I filmed these bits for MasterCard, DirecTV, and others, and they all seemed to come out all at once, to the point where it seemed like I was on every commercial. But I enjoy doing it, and it doesn’t conflict with my dedication to football in any way. Obviously. I mean, I’m in the Super Bowl.
Grossman: Who’s Marvin Harrison?
Manning: Are you serious?
Grossman: Wait, he was the fifth Beatle, right?
Me: Rex, you’re obviously well prepared for Super Bowl XLI. You also were well-prepared to play in the last game of the regular season - an embarrassing loss to the Packers - after which you admitted to not really caring about the game because you were looking forward to partying that night, which was New Year’s Eve. Now, Miami seems like a pretty fun place. Are you going to be focused this Sunday, or passed out on some woman’s couch with a lampshade on your head and pictures of genitalia drawn on your stomach in permanent marker?
Grossman: I will be ready to go. I am focused. Hey, why are you laughing?
Manning: Nothing, nothing. It’s just, well…have you looked in the mirror yet this morning? Somebody drew boobies on your forehead.
Grossman: What? Again? Crap! Where’s the bathroom in here?
Me: From the smell of things, you’re sitting in it. Peyton, let’s turn this conversation your way for a second. You and Rex obviously have different preparation tactics. You prefer to “practice” and watch “game tapes.” Were you always this much of a dork?
Manning: I don’t really consider myself a dork, per say. But I guess, being a football dork is much better than being a real life dork. Like a scientist or something.
Me: Interesting. Peyton, it’s been well documented that your father, Archie, was also an NFL quarterback. He must be very proud of you. Rex, do you have a father?
Grossman: Yeah, probably.
Me: Is he worth discussing?
Grossman: I think he’s an accountant, or something.
Me: Never mind. Rex, let’s discuss the Big Game, of which your team, the Bears, are the underdog. Talk about a contrast in styles! You like to chuck the ball deep; Peyton likes to complete passes. The Bears will win despite you; The Colts will win because of Peyton. But most importantly, Super Bowl XLI features one of the most potent NFL offenses in recent memory versus one of the most aggressive defenses in the league. Rex, what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?
Grossman: I don’t know. Like, an explosion or something?
Me: Does your team have a chance, Rex? That’s what I’m trying to ask here.
Grossman: During the explosion? I’m not sure…Are we wearing fire-retardant suits? Why don’t you go ask that scientist dork Manning?
Me: Let’s talk about the rivalry between the two of you. Peyton, you played your college ball at Tennessee, where you initially honed your reputation as a big-game flop, as you could never beat your SEC rival, Steve Spurrier and the Florida Gators. Rex, you played for Florida, but only after Peyton left the Vols. So I ask you, Peyton – will beating Rex and the Bears kind of doubly-count as beating Florida also? I would think so, right?
Manning: No, I don’t think so. I’m kind of past that at this point in my career, as I’m sure Rex is as well.
Grossman: Florida Gators! Whoo-hoo! NATIONAL CHAMPIONS! Chomp, chomp, chomp! You’re going DOWN, Peyton Manning! Woooooooo! What’s a volunteer, anyway? Ha, ha…I’m just playin’. But seriously, you’re going down.
Manning: Yeah, okay. We’ll see who’s going down. By the way, can I see your National Title ring? Oh, yeah – my bad. You never won one. Maybe you should stop living vicariously through other Florida teams.
Grossman: What? Who are you calling vicariously? I prefer women, my man!
Me: Okay, that’s quite enough. Let’s try and stay civilized here, okay? In fact, let’s have a little fun, and play a Super Bowl version of “Truth or Dare,” shall we? Peyton, you first. Truth or dare?
Me: Chicago “D.” The ’85 Bears reincarnate, or more overrated than “My Name is Earl.”
Manning: That’s easy. ’85 reincarnate.
Me: I have a Bible right over there. Do I need to get it?
Manning: Okay, okay. More overrated than “Earl.” What’s the deal with that show anyway? I’ve seen it like 10 times, and I’m still waiting to laugh.
Me: Tell me about it. Okay Rex, your turn. Truth or dare?
Me: How did I know that was coming? Alright, I dare you to not throw one deep ball on Sunday.
Me: You can’t change your answer. And besides, I was kidding. I dare you to eat that moldy bagel over there. Wait, where did it go?
Grossman: I ate it already. I thought it was a blueberry bagel.
Me: Okay, let’s stop this game before I throw up. Guys, I want to thank you both so much for stopping by to talk, and I wish you both the best of luck in Sunday’s game.
Manning: Isn’t wishing both of us “good luck” a meaningless gesture? Wouldn’t it just cancel out?
Me: You’re such a dork.
Grossman. Word. Wait – we have a game on Sunday?
Manning: Yes, Rex, you do. And don’t forget, during the game, they won’t be saying, “Mooo-vers,” they’ll be saying, “Boooo.” Heh, heh…
Grossman: I don't get it.
Bears vs Colts...in space