Monday, January 29, 2007

Classic card of the week




Howie Long, A1 Masters of the Grill series

Sonny and Cher. Pastrami and rye. Ghostface and Raekwon. The NFL and A1 steak sauce. Never was a connection between two otherwise separate entities made as seamlessly as that of the National Football League and something you can lather your meat with. And on the front lines of this marketing breakthrough was none other than Howie Long, who, besides playing for the Raiders, lived an otherwise normal life, with a white picket fence, shish kabobs, and a small pitchfork that he would stab you with if you kicked a soccer ball onto his plush lawn. The perfect spokesperson – he was handsome, muscular, and ambidextrous with a spatula – Howie Long mastered the art of overexposure, leaving lesser NFL players like Joe Montana to resort to cheap, masturbation jokes on Saturday Night Live. In fact, Howie Long in his prime makes the modern-day Peyton Manning look reclusive by comparison. An accompanying infomercial was used in tandem with this card, and Howie Long began his Troy McClure-esque monologue as such: “Oh, hello there! How did you get in my f*$*%$ backyard? Ha ha ha! Just kidding! My name is Howie Long. You may remember me from such underachieving yet belligerently evil organizations as ‘the Los Angeles Raiders.’ When I’m not driving my Dodge Ram to Radio Shack, starring alongside John Travolta in the smash hit ‘Firestorm,’ or watching the Fox network, I’m here – in a studio! – cooking up some beef tenderloins. Mmmmm, can you smell the meat? I sure can. It smells meaty. And take it from me, Howie Long – there’s nothing better to lather your meat with than some A1 steak sauce. It goes down smooth. Every time. Now, other steak sauces may claim to do the trick, but only one steak sauce is recognized as the official steak sauce of the National Football League – A1 steak sauce. And I should know, because I’m Howie Long – master of the gridiron AND master of the grill. Now get the hell off my lawn! Ha ha ha! Just kidding. But seriously…” Coincidentally, the back of this card – instead of providing some fascinating Howie Long defensive stats – includes a recipe for “hot ‘n’ spicy chicken barbecue,” a recipe that, ironically, requires some A1 steak sauce (and one teaspoon of vegetable oil, of course). Unfortunately, nobody told Howie Long, who doesn’t appear to be cooking chicken. And not pictured is Peyton Manning standing behind the fence, pleading with Howie Long to “cut that meat!”

Did you know?
Reakwon was also a chef.

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