Classic card of the week

Dan Saleaumua, 1991 Pro Line, Portraits series

Whoa, whoa! Back off, Dan Saleaumua! I was just kidding! I take it back – that is NOT just an extra-long shirt with shorts on over it. The last thing I need right now is for you to be practicing your martial arts moves on my groin. I’m not even wearing a cup! I don’t even work here! So please, relax. Thank you. So anyways…alright, why are you still looking at me like that? Are you messing with me? Let me check the back of your card…oh! Okay, you ARE messing with me: “To prepare for a game, I watch everybody else psyche themselves up, and it usually makes me laugh. Some guys bang their heads and some just sit there with their eyes closed…Some guys do different things, but I just goof around most of the time.” Dan Saleaumua did not believe in artificial motivation, such as “trash-talk clipboard material,” steroids, or Red Bull. He instead prepared for games with a steady diet of whoopee cushions and “Three Stooges” reruns. It was this free-spiritedness that forced the NFL to hand Saleaumua the coveted title of “Funniest Nose Tackle” for the year 1990. Because he believed that tackling was too violent – and against his religious beliefs (Hawaiian Methodist) – Saleaumua would instead opt to leave the opposing center in stitches. With laughter. Oftentimes an entire opposing offensive line would simply collapse when the ball was snapped, all convulsing with laughter because Dan Saleaumua had just told a hilarious joke involving a monk, three-quarters of scotch, and a homosexual dragon. (Stop him if you’ve heard that one.) This would open up a gaping hole for Saleaumua to reach the quarterback or running back, at which point he would grab them, stick his fingers through their facemask and poke their eyes while saying something funny, like “Wonka, wonka, wonka!” This often led to turnovers. In fact, Saleaumua forced more comedy-related turnovers in 1990 than any Hawaiian Methodist nose tackle in the history of the Kansas City Chiefs. Joe Montana, Saleaumua’s former teammate, tells a great story: “So we’re in the locker room after a brutal loss. 34-10 or something, in San Diego. Marty [Schottenheimer] is killing us…just killing us. Laying into our effort, cursing us out…he’s just irate. So he finishes his rant – there’s still smoke coming out of his ears – and out of the shower walks Dan, wearing nothing but a pink tutu and bunny ears. I’m telling you, coach wanted to kill him, but instead he started laughing so hard that he pooped his pants. Seriously…Dan Saleaumua made Marty Schottenheimer poop himself…and it wasn’t even the playoffs! True story.”

Did you know?
Dan Saleaumua’s favorite movie is “Patch Adams.”


Anonymous said…
This card is ridiculous! You are a riot!
Ralphie_Faggins said…
This is incredible! Praise be Saleaumua. Thank you for sharing a forgotten relic of the great man himself.

Ralphie Faggins
Chief Chief's fan