Friday, December 08, 2006

Classic card of the week




Cade McNown, 1999 Collector’s Edge

Back in 1999, Cade McNown was a future legend. Now you may be asking yourself, “How does one ascend to ‘future legend’ status?” Good question. First, you have to be at least 200 lbs. (Cade McNown? 211 lbs. Check.) Next, you have to play quarterback, but not well enough to be drafted ahead of Akili Smith, who actually was also a “future legend” in the category of “failed draft picks.” (Smith, drafted 3rd overall, McNown, 12th. Check.) Finally, you must be deemed a “future legend” by the only authority capable of doling out such praise – a football card – and said football card must have utter disregard for the normal criteria that a stereotypical “legend” encompasses (i.e.: good stats, not named “Cade”), nor give two craps about naming someone a legend who has yet to take a snap within the field that they will establish their supposed legendary status within. (Check, check, and triple check!) Through this, it becomes clear that, yes, Cade McNown, in 1999, was a future legend. Unfortunately, nobody told the future about this, and what has transpired has been a huge misunderstanding of “Three’s Company”-esque proportions. On one hand, it is obvious from the card above that Cade McNown is a future legend. Look at him – does he look like somebody who is not about to become a legend? Even the floating menorahs in the background are trying to get out of the way of his rocket, legendary arm. (“Go deep, Chanukah!”) On the other hand, there is this: Cade McNown’s combined QB rating in his two years with the Chicago Bears? 67.7. Not very legendary, 1999! To boot, Cade McNown (though some may argue) wasn’t even legendarily bad, as he never once, like his counterpart Aaron Brooks, threw the ball backwards 30 yards. Whatever. In the case of Cade McNown, 1999 and 2006 will agree to disagree. What is important to remember here is that, while at UCLA, Cade McNown illegally used a handicapped parking pass to park his - I’m going to assume here - Jeep, making him, at the very least, a legendary douche.

Did you know?
This card represents the first half of the analogy, “…then Joe Montana is a bust.”

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey that's where all those Menorahs went, no wonder the executives of the Seatle airport couldn't find any and put them up!

Anonymous said...

Future husband of a Prostitute is what the card should read!