Take home divorce

This is a warning to all married males. Do NOT – I repeat – do NOT let your wife go food shopping alone! This is a state of emergency! Consider yourself warned!

There is a predator on the loose, and I have seen him in action. His main purpose is to seduce your wife at the supermarket, take her home, make her dinner, and then have sex with her! Yeah, sex! Plus, he is Australian! He is not to be trusted!

How do I know this? Well, I have been watching a new show on TLC called “Take Home Chef,” which is always on when I get home from work. (Yeah, sometimes I watch TLC when I get home – it’s a helluva lot better than “Around the Horn,” so shut the hell up!) The premise of the show is this: metrosexual Australian dude stalks woman at supermarket, asks her “who she is cooking for,” coerces her into letting him make dinner, which culminates in a shocked, distraught husband arriving home from work only to discover his wife rolling around in batter with some tall, spiky-haired bloke!

Seriously, that is the show. Now, the show itself could have some redeeming value, were it not for the obvious sexual undertones – lonely wife, shopping alone, husband works all the time, enter Australian guy who COOKS, divorce ensues. And if you think I’m acting paranoid on behalf of all married men, I urge you – watch the show. For one thing, the “take home chef” only seduces – I mean only – moderately to very attractive women in their late twenties to mid-thirties. You would think the higher-ups at TLC would try and avoid the obvious sexual inclinations by having this guy, ya’ know, every now and then, approach an old lady or something:

Australian dude: Hey, grandma! Who are you cooking for tonight – Grandpa?

Grandma: Oh, my! Heavens no…Grandpa died in 1994. I live at the “Sunrise” assisted living home on Route 35. I’m only cooking for myself and my cat, “Mittens.”

Australian dude: Okay, then. Well, what do you say I buy your groceries, and cook you up a little something nice, ya’ know, for you and Mittens.

Grandma: Oh my, that would be wonderful! We better be quick though – the SCAT bus picks me up in ten minutes. Oh, and I can’t eat solid food.

You see, that would be nice (even though I bet this guy would still try and have sex with her). Or what about a larger woman? They eat! Or hey – how about this guy does something completely insane and finds a GUY at the supermarket! Guys cook too, ya’ know! Of course, that’s not to say I’d ever want this idiot approaching me at Path Mark, and asking me if he could come back to my place and cook dinner. I’d be like, “F-off, dirtbag! And get those cameras out of my face! I just came here for some Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch!” But still, I’m just saying. They could switch it up a bit.

And this guy is shameless, too. For one thing, you don’t learn sh*t about cooking from this show. Basically, the cameras go back and forth between this guy trying to nonchalantly stare at the woman’s boobs, and the woman staring up at him lovingly after taking a taste of his special sauce off of a wooden spoon. Then he’ll say things like, “Okay, so now we’re just going to make a nice creamy sauce. What I need you do is stick your hands in there, and move it all around…yeah, just like that…feels good, right?…you’ve done this before, haven’t you?…Ha ha ha!…creamy sauce, yeah.”

Then the husband arrives home, tie all undone, sweating, briefcase in hand, while his whore of a wife is like, “Surprise!” And he’s like wtf? And there’s a bunch of cameras all up in his grill, and some random Australian dude is in his kitchen, and he has to act moderately enthused about the situation, even though he looks like he’s gonna backhand his wife the second everybody leaves his house. Then, instead of having a nice, relaxing dinner, he has to eat in front of a cable audience, have meaningless, two-word conversations with his wife, while she’s like, “Yummm…this is gooood! Right, hon?” And he’s like, “God, when will this end? I really wanted to take a shower before I sat down. I’m gonna kill her…”

To top it off, they always end the show with individual interviews, where the husband will say something like, “Well, I was surprised, that’s for sure,” followed by an awkward laugh and nodding of the head. Then the wife always, always, always says something like, “Yeah, it was great! I think he was really surprised. Plus, it doesn’t hurt to have a good-looking Australian guy in the house!” which is followed by some giddy, schoolgirl-esque laughter. I always imagine the couple getting in a huge fight after the actual event, somehow working it out, and then fighting again after they watch the show on TLC, because the wife went and said something like that on national TV.

So yeah, consider this a warning. Unless, of course, you want a divorce, and wouldn’t mind a free meal before the inevitable. Still though, I’d stay away from the sauce.

"I think I like your melons much better!"


Anonymous said…
Making the "Sauce" is the best part really!
I love how the women always get changed before they start cooking into something a little more comfortable, eh-um...like they wear their boobs on the outside of their shirt!
Your observations of this show are dead on, you have to admit though, Curtis is undeniably dreamy...don't tell my husband I said that!!
MetroChefual said…
I don't know where you get off (really I don't and I like it that way).

If you were doing your job at home I wouldn't have to ransack your wife's psyche and leave her all melted in a pool of her former self on your dirty kitchen floor. Have you ever heard of a swiffer by chance? Now go home and clean up your act before I come for you in the spinach section.
Joseph P. said…
Having worked at a grocery store one summer during high school, I know that women usually do their shopping in the morning or early afternoon. Cooking a dinner takes, what, an hour, maybe 90 minutes. Plus, there's always down time where you have to allow something to bake, broil or simmer.

So yeah, if I'm the husband, I'm totally taking a blacklight to every piece of furniture in the house.
CMB said…
That is really funny! I never saw the show, but now I might watch!