So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

THE PERFECT MEME FILLS THE VOID OF 'DID YOUR GRANDMA WEAR THIS?' DISCUSSION THAT IS SORELY LACKING RIGHT NOW ✅ GLARING TYPO ✅ A+ RESPONSES ✅ MY MUM LOVED THE SMELL MEMORIES GONNA NEED ANOTHER SOURCE ON THIS SAY WHAT YOU WANT ABOUT DENISE BUT SHE NEVER WORE A MOO MOO AND WAS THEREFORE A WOMAN OF HER WORD /JEFF FOXWORTHY VOICE/ YOUR WIFE MIGHT BE A GRANDMA ... IF SHE WEARS ONE OF *THESE*!  /CROWD ROARS, BILL SLUMPS IN SEAT/ BEAUTIFUL AND SEAMLESSLY ADDRESSES THE FIVE CORE TOPICS OF THE TRADITIONAL EULOGY: DID HE/SHE WEAR A MOO MOO? RENTER OR BUYER? HOW DID THEY SPEND THE MONEY THEY CLAIMED NOT TO HAVE? LAUNDRY PROCESS YEAR OF DEATH TOUGH TO TRANSITION FROM THERE BUT WE'LL TRY ABSOLUTE BARE MINIMUM EFFORT ON DEVELOPING THIS 'DO YOU REMEMBER SOMETHING' MEME STILL HAS 1,445 LIKES, 239 SHARES, AND 200 COMMENTS, ONE OF WHICH IS BOUND TO BE RACIST I THINK BY 'ANTENNA' THEY MEAN 'KNOB' BUT WHO EFFING CARES-- WHO REMEMBERS TVS DAMMIT! SITTING ON A FUNERAL HOM...

I decided to try and keep a running diary that lists the nature of the arguments our daughters have had with each other during quarantine. Here it is ... kind of; these are mostly from the past few days. I will try my best to update accordingly, as this is obviously an ongoing, fluid situation with no end in sight: whether Ella really brushed her teeth who is doing the puzzle who is better at puzzles whether or not Madi will live in a nursing home Ella is shhh-ing me Madi is copying me whether or not Madi wants ALF to be her boyfriend WHO (will) LET THE DOG S OUT how long ago we threw that bug out the window who will get Madi the banana what time it is whether or not Ella was looking at the microwave when she correctly guessed what time it was whom Mom told to get the disinfectant spray and who is better at getting disinfectant spray, generally who has the more negative attitude who is making mean faces if "you better be quiet during my Zoom meeti...

WONDERING IF, DURING THIS QUARANTINE, THERE ARE BIRDS LOOKS LIKE THERE BIRDS WHEW! HAD A PLAYA STRESSIN' I NORMALLY DON'T CLICK ON THESE TEASER LINKS BUT ALL THIS BIRD TALK AND THIS BEAUTIFUL PHOTO HAS PIQUED MY INTEREST "LIKE IF REDMAN WERE REALLY INTO BIRDS" - ROLLING STONE DOES THE ALBUM HAVE A THEME "THIS IS A CUT FROM MY NEW ALBUM 'THERE ARE BIRDS,' IT'S CALLED 'THERE ARE BIRDS' "IT'S ABOUT HOW THERE ARE BIRDS ... "CHECK IT OUT, UH ... PREMIER ON THE 1 AND 2S /PREMIER DROPS BEAT/ "UH, YO, CHECK IT OUT ... "THERE ARE BIRDS, THERE ARE BIRDS, THAT'S MY WORD, CHECK THE WORLD OUT THERE DOIN' THEIR THING, FLASHIN' THAT BLING, LISTEN, HEAR THEM SING SHOUTOUT TO MY HOMIE THE NORTHERN LAPWING GOIN' ABOUT ALL THE THINGS, DURING SPRING, AIN'T NO THING FLYIN' IN THE FACE OF SOCIAL DIS-TANC-ING YO THE BIRDS ARE THERE, IN THE AIR, IN MY HAIR?, ONLY THING FOR SURE ...

I don’t recall a time from my young life when I wasn’t constantly playing basketball, and I don’t remember our house without the hoop out front. Whatever vague recollection there is suggests the basketball hoop was installed when I was in maybe second grade, when my dad, a pipefitter, brought home a two-ton cylindrical metal pole he had crafted at work and then somehow, with the help of at least five friends no doubt, forged that thing into the earth a foot or so from the street, and attached the hoop with metal brackets to its required 10-foot height. There were jokes, I think, about my dad having to do it this way, his way, which is to say making the dang thing at his work while probably using a blow torch and not just buying a regular basketball hoop like everyone else. (Those who’ve read the book might recall that my dad also crafted me a metal pole at work when I needed a shepherd’s staff for my fifth-grade Christmas play, so this was on brand.) It was, however, to his cre...

Everyone is full of contradictions. Our daughters, however, as they do with all things, take it to another level. I used to write often about their issues related to adoption, but I don’t much anymore because I no longer write columns for a newspaper, they’re getting older and I don’t want to hijack their stories and, honestly? I’m exhausted. Just know this: They’re both very close to the school counselor. AS ARE WE. So. Their school has a program where they recognize a student in each grade monthly for having high character. Our girls have never won this award. This is not a surprise! When she was in third grade our oldest wrote “poop” on another student’s pencil case … during CCD, for absolutely no reason other than boredom. Our youngest has had her seat moved like 17 times this year alone for being a distraction. However, they do have their moments, and we’re not ashamed to admit that we’ve utilized our relationship with the school counselor to lobby for them. Maybe if the sch...

TF IS A DORM SIZE FRIG? OH, REFRIGERATOR FRIG DOES NOT EQUAL FRIDGE BTW ADAM THE GOOD SAMARITAN SAID HE COULD DO IT IN AN HOUR, NOT MONDAY DAMMIT LIKE I ALWAYS SAY, DON'T POST ABOUT THE FRIG UNTIL YOU HAVE THE FRIG WHERE THE FRIG IS THE FRIG "ALL THE PEOPLE" WAS ADAM, SO CHILL THE REST OF US HOWEVER ARE ON THE EDGES OF OUR SEATS REGARDING THE WHEREABOUTS OF THE FRIG THE FRIG? HONESTLY ARLENE, THIS HAS BEEN A WASTE OF EVERYONE'S TIME

TAG THIS UNDER "UPSET ABOUT ICE MELT SOLUTION" FIORE IS THROWING BOWS ON HOWELL TOWNSHIP LET US START A DIALOGUE ON THIS ISSUE PREVENTATIVE ICE MELT SOLUTIONS ARE INDICATIVE OF WHERE WE ARE AS A SOCIETY DAMMIT "MOST ACCIDENTS ARE CAUSED BY NOT AN ACCIDENT AT ALL" FIORE THE FILOSOPHER I WOULD BET ANYTHING THAT FIORE IS THE LEAST SENSIBLE DRIVER I'M PICTURING HIM DRIVING IN INCLEMENT WEATHER ON UN-PREPPED ROADS AND FISHTAILING OUT WILDLY BECAUSE HE TOOK HIS HANDS OFF THE STEERING WHEEL TO SHAKE HIS FIST AT A STORE SIGN THAT READS "CLOSED MONDAYS" FIORE: /HOBBLING AWAY FROM VEHICLE WHICH IS WEDGED IN THE ENTRANCE OF A TEXAS ROADHOUSE/ OFFICER : AND WHAT CAUSED THE ACCIDENT SIR FIORE : THIS ACCIDENT WAS CAUSED BY NOT AN ACCIDENT! OFFICER : /WRITES DOWN "CAUSE: DRIVER" IN NOTEPAD/ HMMM I WONDER WHAT FIORE THINKS OF THESE TWO COMMENTS FIORE IS FINISHED! WHAT HAVE YOU ALL DONE TO FIORE FIORE IS NOT FI...

"What should we title our article about Todd Frazier maybe leaving town for Texas?" "How about: 'Is Todd Frazier Leaving Town for Texas?'" "Perfect. What about a subhead?" "Hmmm, try this: 'Is Todd Frazier Leaving Town for Texas?'" "Wow, this is great. So far I have: 'Is Todd Frazier Leaving Town for Texas?: Is Todd Frazier Leaving Town for Texas?'" "Love it." "Now, when we tweet this article out, how should I describe what the article is about?" "Are we still talking about the article about Todd Frazier leaving town for Texas?" "Yes." "Try this: 'Is Ocean Counties very own Todd Frazier leaving town for Texas?'" "Beautiful. By inserting 'Ocean Counties' in there you've really avoided any redundancy. Oh- should I spell 'Counties' as plural instead of possessive?" "Of course. Here's why. There a...

CHECKING IN TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS SMELLING GOOD IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD OH NO POO SMELL ALERT 💩📡💩📡 SO FAR WE HAVE RULED OUT CHRIS AND HIS CHILDREN'S FARTS POTENTIAL POO SMELL CAUSES : CHRIS AND HIS CHILDREN'S FARTS ANY OTHER POSSIBILITIES THANK YOU FOR YOUR INPUT MARTHA POTENTIAL POO SMELL CAUSES : CHRIS AND HIS CHILDREN'S FARTS THERE IS NO POO SMELL THE POO SMELL COULD BE POO J/K THOUGH (?) THIS IS CLEARLY A CASE OF KEITH HAVING AN AGENDA BUT HE'S ADDED MORE TO THE CONVERSATION THAN MARTHA SO WE'LL ALLOW IT POTENTIAL POO SMELL CAUSES : CHRIS AND HIS CHILDREN'S FARTS THERE IS NO POO SMELL POO YES, BROCCOLI IS LIKE POO POTENTIAL POO SMELL CAUSES : CHRIS AND HIS CHILDREN'S FARTS THERE IS NO POO SMELL POO BROCCOLI FERTILIZER FROM THE ADJACENT FARM? SEEMS PRETTY FAR FETCHED ALSO HE'S NOT 100% SURE WHICH MAKES ME SKEPTICAL IT'S LIKE, WHY AREN'T YOU 100% SURE ABOUT ...

MUSIC NOT WORKING WIZARD OF OZ MUSIC BOX HOW I FEEL WHEN SOMEONE TRIES TO SELL ME A WIZARD OF OZ MUSIC BOX WITH NO MUSIC FOR $25 DULY NOTED HEY EVERYONE, KEN MISSES OLD FASHIONED CHRISTMAS TREES, A SENTIMENT HE HAS CHOSEN TO EXPRESS ON NEXTDOOR.COM, PLEASE KEEP HIM IN YOUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS DURING THIS DIFFICULT TIME WHERE ARE THE OTHER NINE TOP 10 CHARLIE CHAPLIN QUOTES ALSO WTF IS THIS WHY ARE WE EVEN DOING THIS I AM DEPRESSED GOOD NIGHT SWEET DREAMS WHOEVER MADE THIS IS LEGITIMATELY INSANE (THAT WAS A POEM) VODKE THE JOKE WORKS BEST WHEN THE MOST IMPORTANT WORD IS SPELLED DIFFERENTLY EACH TIME I MEAN WHO IS EDITING FB:HEART TOUCHING FUN SETTING ASIDE THE BLATANT MISSPELLING, ARE WE REALLY IN NEED OF "I JUST FELL DOWN AND MUST IMMEDIATELY EXPRESS MYSELF" MEMES AND WHO IS EDITING SHUT UP I'M STILL TALKING THIS FAILS TO LIVE UP TO THE LOFTY STANDARDS SET FORTH BY SHUT UP I'M STILL TALKING IN ITS MI...

FOUND A PAGE ON FACEBOOK CALLED "I'M A GRANDMA. I LOVE MY GRANDKIDS" GREAT NAME FOR A FACEBOOK PAGE BETTER MEMES LET'S GO DID A GROOVY OLD GRANDMA WRITE THIS NORMALLY I FEEL LIKE THAT STATEMENT IS HYPERBOLIC BUT IN THIS CASE I AGREE!!!!! WHO IS MESSING WITH THE GRANDBABES PLEASE LEAVE THE GRANDBABES ALONG ACTUALLY NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT ONE TIME I SAW A GRANDBABE GET ROASTED FOR HAVING A BIG FOREHEAD AND OUT OF NOWHERE THIS OLDER WOMAN HOLDING A GLASS OF MERLOT JUST STARTED DROP-KICKING THESE NINE-YEAR-OLDS IN THE FACE SO THIS IS GRAMMATUDE I REMEMBER THINKING TO MYSELF AT THE TIME ANYWAY THIS IS ALL COMING BACK TO ME NOW, NOT SURE WHY I NEVER MENTIONED IT GROSS WHAT EVEN IS THIS, WHO IS THIS FOR I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS AT ALL MAINLY AT THE MOMENT I AM STRUGGLING WITH GRANDMA MEMES THAT DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE BUT ALSO, AS A GRANDMA, I AM STRUGGLING WITH FINDING A MEME THAT COMBINES MY LOVE OF FRIDAY ...