So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

This is the first line of Peter King's Friday column : Brett Favre's pretty much gone underground this week, except for his regular Wednesday press conference, Thursday's NFL Network interview with Steve Mariucci and a one-on-one with Terry Bradshaw, which will air on the Fox NFL Sunday pregame show. That guy is like a hermit!

Oliver Miller, 1992-93 Topps Here is a “Time-Life Magazine”- worthy floor shot of Oliver Miller throwing it down with lukewarm authority. How he got down the floor before everybody else on this play is anyone’s guess. Though my hypothesis would be that he was not an active participant in the previous defensive series. But let’s see how long it takes the back of the card to mention Oliver Miller’s weight: They called Oscar Robertson “The Big O,” but the massive Oliver Miller gives new “dimension” to that nickname. That dimension is fatness. I also appreciate how “dimension” is in quotes, as to imply that Oliver Miller is so fat -– How fat is he? -– that he can only fit in an alternate dimension. That is not nice. But what else? On offense, Miller was nearly “automatic” –- the Razorbacks’ most accurate shooter ever. I am at a loss as to why “automatic” is in quotes. As far as being Arkansas’ most accurate shooter -– that is what happens when you do not/cannot move from the five-square-f...

Today we continue our randomly strung-together series breaking down "classic" songs that I am reminded of when I hear them somewhere and suddenly come to the realization that, "Wow, that song is stupid." Featured here is Smashmouth's "All Star," which you may have heard during every movie you've ever seen within the past decade. Please enjoy. ---------------------------------------- Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me Allow me to begin my endeavor by acknowledging the popular adage: The world is gonna roll you. This is a clever way of saying that the world –- which is like a ball -– will eventually roll you over. With hardships. As far as the “somebody” who told me? None other than William Franklin Shakespeare. Yeah. I drew the line from the wonderful yet largely ignored Shakespearean play entitled “All-Star,” in which the antagonist, “Smashmouthikus,” utters the dramatic line, “Thy world shall roll thee.” I ain’t the sharpest tool in ...

Jeff Hostetler, 1992 Collector’s Edge If I’m Jeff Hostetler, I am pissed. In fact, let’s for a second just pretend that I’m Jeff Hostetler, okay? Okay. Hi. I’m Jeff Hostetler. And I am pissed. Seriously. I mean, I am the starting quarterback of the New York Football Giants. I led my team to a freakin’ Super Bowl title like, a few months ago. I have a ‘stache to die for. Don’t believe me? So yeah, I’m pretty awesome. As a result, I think that my own football card should reflect at least a modicum of my awesomeness. So how does the Collector’s Edge brand of football cards honor my Super Bowl-winning awesomeness? By showing a picture of me with my eyes closed, getting sacked by some dude on the Rams , and almost certainly about to turn the ball over. I mean really. You could have snapped a picture of me with my jersey on taking a dump in the locker room stall and it would have been more flattering than this. Oh hey, one other thing. I’d like to take this opportunity to publicly thank O.J....

Note: This column appears in the 10/22 issue of The Glendale Star and the 10/23 issue of the Peoria Times I was in seventh grade the last year I went trick-or-treating for Halloween. It was that awkward time where I was too cool and definitely too old to go trick-or-treating, but I still liked candy. So I went after school and told various homeowners I was dressed as a “Catholic school kid.” After several dirty looks and fewer Reese’s than I expected, I decided to retire. Since then, Halloween has just been ehhh . There was brief resurgence in college, when I got to dress inappropriately and act like an idiot for a day, which made the holiday really no different than any other day, I suppose. But Halloween hasn’t been something I’ve really looked forward to in quite some time. Until this year, that is. The main reason being we actually have kids to celebrate it with. The joy and anticipation of Halloween gets renewed when kids are involved, as you get to live vicariously through them. ...

Ray Durham, 1996 Topps Laser series This card is part of the Topps’ “Laser series,” in which Topps printed a set of baseball cards and then had a laser come through and destroy about 35% of each card. Pretty cool, huh? Said Topps executive Bart Swingleman in 1995: “We wanted to draw attention away from the player featured on the card, so that kids could focus on the awesomeness of our lasers. And I think we accomplished that.” Indeed they did. I am having trouble focusing on Ray Durham boringly crossing home plate, as I am distracted by the nondescript, yet very red and very lasery ballplayer to the right, who is jogging out of the card ! Amazing. But I need to refocus here. What about Ray Durham? Let’s check some “spotlight stats” on the back: .640: Winning pct. by 1995 White Sox when Durham scored Now, the naysayer might say: “Nay. I am unimpressed by the fact that the White Sox won 64% of the time when Ray Durham scored, as runs scored invariably increases a teams’ chances of winnin...

Note: This column appears in the 10/15 issue of The Glendale Star and the 10/16 issue of the Peoria Times I have always been interested in recycling. Not interested in the sense that I’d like to make a career out of it, but interested in the sense that when I throw something in the recycling bin, I wonder for a split second what will happen to it. That is the extent of my interest. As a result, I have written a column. My family has always recycled, for as long as I can remember. I recall my dad tying up old newspapers and leaving them on the curb to be picked up, at which point it would rain, rendering everything non-recyclable. Those were great times. I also recall being appalled when we first moved here upon discovering that Peoria did not recycle. I knew things were slower out west, but it nevertheless surprised me that the simple concept of using stuff over again as a means to save money and the environment had yet to “catch on,” as if it were some kind of fad, like the Internet. ...

Danny Heep, 1991 Score This is Danny Heep. Let us begin: Danny’s 1990 season was not a heap of fun for him I thought maybe they were going to wait for it; wait to cash in on the gold mine of comedy and literary device that is Danny Heep’s surname. But they did not wait. If I may, in my own feeble attempt to combine baseball terminology and Danny Heep wordplay, I would say that they hit us off with a heap of it, right off the bat. for he missed a large portion of it because of a herniated disc suffered in late June. That is a heap of herniation right there. When Danny Heep felt the disc in his hernia area burst, he knew immediately that he was in a heap of trouble. Shall I continue? I am going to continue. But he did cause a few laughs A heap of laughs? No? Just a few? Okay. When he became the first Red Sox position player in 38 years to pitch in a game. The Sox were losing 15-0 That is a heap of runs. to the Twins and Danny finished the game by giving up four hits and one more run. His...

Eddie Murray, 1987 Ralston Purina Company Collectors’ Edition Does your dog like to eat? Well then there is a strong possibility that your dog will also enjoy baseball cards. If by some strange chance your dog does not enjoy baseball cards –- or, more specifically, Eddie Murray -- and the acquired discipline of keeping them in mint condition rather than eating them or burying them in the backyard, then possibly you, as a dog owner, will take pleasure in our line of baseball card products. This was the rationale of the Ralston Purina Company circa 1987. I have gone through the trouble of doing some research on this upstanding company and have, luckily for all involved, uncovered their principle activities: The principle activities of the Group are the production of dry dog food and soft-moist cat foods and other pet products . Also, baseball cards. Take me, for example. I’m the type of guy that, when I have a cat -– which I don’t, because I don’t really like cats that much -– I like my ...

Note: This column appears in the 10/1 issue of The Glendale Star and the 10/2 issue of the Peoria Times How fresh is the fish? This is the question my wife asked to our server during our first night out together in forever, by Westgate, at an establishment that shall remain nameless to protect the identity of the incompetent. We had waited about twenty minutes to ask this question, and were only graced with our waitress’ presence after she had apparently lost an argument with another server as to who was going to wait on our table, an ordeal that I was fortunate enough to capture out of the corner of my eye. As a result, she was forced to introduce herself, and did so thusly, with eyes to the ground and speaking quickly and softly so as to add to the general awkwardness: Hi my name is (unintelligible) and I’ll be your waitress do you know what you want? No, miss –- the pleasure is all ours, I assure you! It was at this point when my wife asked the aforementioned question. Now, this is ...

Kevin Maas, 1991 Waldo Candies If you are thrown off by the bright solid red background, or the not-so-subtle mentioning of Waldo Candies, then I would like to divert your attention to the bottom of this card, where we discover that the Waldo Candies Ball Player featured here is none other than “Maas,” who, as we all know, plays for the New York American. Please do not tell me you are still confused. You are? Well then, allow Waldo Candies to elaborate, using their popular 1920s-style Old English and lingo: Kevin Maas, designated hitter and first baseman of the New York American League Team, was born in Castro Valley, California, January 20, 1965. Kevinthal Roberto Maas, designated hitter of baseballs and occasional caretaker of the initial base for the New York squadron of the American League subsect of Major League Baseball and its subsidiaries, was born in the Valley of Castro within the Republic State of California to Maria Beverly Rosenberg and Donald Carlito Maas -– son of Zachar...

Note: This column appears in the 9/24 issue of The Glendale Star and the 9/25 issue of the Peoria Times It has been a difficult time for those who prefer answers. Virtually every major attraction and potential attraction of this part of the Valley has been dragged through the legal mud and has yet to be adequately cleansed. As a result, those in and around the Valley who initially took a side now no longer care, or have joined the third party of “getting this over with.” We can start with the Phoenix Coyotes , an ordeal that began in early May and has left the city of Glendale, its citizens, Coyotes’ fans, players, millionaire coaches and billionaire Canadians in limbo. And while judge Redfield T Baum issued his decision last week, it should be noted that even he has acknowledged that this is far from over, having said this before beginning the excruciating process of writing down his answer: “I have to write it sufficiently enough so that those of you who don’t like what I write, whe...

Astros Leaders, 1987 Topps Leading the 1987 Houston Astros was Yogi Berra and his band of merry, old men, of which Yogi was arguably the merriest, and definitely the oldest. While it would be safe to assume from this baseball card that Yogi Berra was the manager of the 1987 Houston Astros, that would be an unsafe and stupid assumption, because Yogi Berra was not the manager of the 1987 Houston Astros. He was the bench coach. For further explanation as to how –- and in what specific statistical categories –- a bench coach can lead his team, let us turn over the back of the card: Noticeably absent from this list of team leaders is Yogi Berra. Allow me to relay my confusion as to why, on the front of the card which is titled “Team Leaders,” there is a dream sequence picture of Yogi Berra among several other dudes who have formed a force field of old, white, nondescript baseball knowledge around him, while on the back of the card, which is titled “Houston Astros 1986 Team Leaders,” there e...

Note: This column appears in the 9/17 issue of The Glendale Star and the 9/18 issue of the Peoria Times Last Tuesday, Barack Obama, the President of the United States of America, spoke openly and publicly to the nation’s schoolchildren. The Deer Valley and Peoria Unified school districts, in a wonderful display of caving to the illogical paranoia of a select few, ensured that not every child would see it. It was national news heading up to the speech that parents were concerned that Obama would use this as an opportunity to push his political agenda. Ya’ know, to clamor for that elusive 13-year old vote in the 2012 election, and to impose socialist values upon children who may not otherwise be able to define socialism. Much of the fear stemmed from the phrase “help the president,” which some people believed continued: “…convince everyone of this healthcare plan, and that abortion isn't so bad.” I had hoped this particular area of the country would see through the paranoia, and be ...

Royals Future Stars, 1980 Topps Let us travel back in time…to the future! The year is 1980, and what the future holds for the Kansas City Royals is the untapped and limitless potential of three pitchers poised for stardom. Going from right-to-left, we will use futuristic hindsight and stale sarcasm to determine how each pitcher reached his respective level of fame. Dan Quisenberry (rest in peace) -– contrary to what this card may attest -– was not considered a future star by the Kansas City Royals. At least not according to Wikipedia , and those guys are never wrong: Quisenberry signed with the Royals as an amateur free agent in 1975, and was considered a marginal prospect. Quisenberry would drop his marginal status in 1980 and attain future stardom. He then went on to attain actual stardom due to the fact that he was a pretty awesome pitcher and one of the more dominant closers of the 80’s. So far, we are 1-for-1. I am having fun. For Bill Paschall, what the future held was arguably t...

Note: This column appears in the 9/10 issue of The Glendale Star and the 9/11 issue of the Peoria Times Last Friday my wife dropped our foster daughter off at daycare, only to discover that the previous day, she had spit at her teacher. I’ll let that one sink in for a minute. Believe me it took a while for it to sink in with me. The first thought that came to my mind was when “Pumpkin” spit at “New York” in the first season of Flavor of Love, and so I immediately saw our foster daughter as a future reality show contestant where she competes for the affection of the hype-man of a formerly great rap group. Is any of this making sense? No? I am sorry. Now, this may not be that much of a surprise to you, the average reader. A foster child exhibited questionable behavior? Alert the authorities. But this is most certainly a shock to anyone who knows my wife or I. Especially my wife. Because let me tell you something: Had our little one attempted her loogie technique within 50 yards of us, I...

Turk Wendell, 1993 Upper Deck Turk Wendell –- seen here exerting the kind of extracurricular energy that was lost on ol’ Heavy Legs Pavano -– was an interesting chap: Famous for his odd behavior on the mound, Wendell also has talent. Wait -– he’s weird AND has talent??!! Just when you think you’ve seen everything ! Let us discover more about this odd, yet talented human being. Wikipedia , can you provide confirmation on this case of non-conformity? Wendell is probably best known for his baseball-related eccentricities. I knew it! Please elaborate: This included brushing his teeth in between innings, Ha, ha! Cuckoo, cuckoo! Seriously though –- that is pretty strange. Then again, I didn’t start brushing my own teeth regularly until I was like, 16. So at the time this card came out, I pretty much thought that any time spent brushing teeth other than the five minutes before you left the house to go to the dentist was weird. eating black licorice, And that is odd because…most people prefer...

Note: This column appears in the 9/3 issue of The Glendale Star and the 9/4 issue of the Peoria Times There is little doubt that many of our loyal readers have asked themselves this question since at least the dawn of the Internet, and possibly even before that: How do I express my love and affection for both The Glendale Star & Peoria Times in an online forum? Well, I have great news. We are on Facebook . For those unaware –- a lack of awareness that must be purely intentional, as this website has not so subtly taken over the free world –- Facebook is a social networking site. What does social networking mean? It means you can do stuff on the Internet at the same time as somebody else! Or at a different time. Social networking, ideally, can lead to marriage, divorce, a new job, a lost job, and tentative plans to meet in Vegas that never come to fruition. If you haven’t already raced to your computer to socially network, allow me to relate my own experience with Facebook. I joine...

Tim Salmon, 1996 Topps Profiles by Kirby Puckett series Some of you may recall that glorious time when Barry Larkin selected a handful of lucky players that he referred to as “ Little Dawgs ” because he did not know their actual names and who, as a result of being deemed Little Dawgs by shortstop Barry Larkin, became part of the unpopular Little Dawgs series of baseball cards. Those were great times, am I right? Of course I’m right. In that vein, today I present to you a card from the “Profiles by Kirby Puckett” series. Personally, I find these cards to be even more enjoyable if you say, “Profiles by Kirby Puckett” in the same “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy” voice used on SNL. But that’s just me. Before we continue, I’d like to say rest in peace to the late Kirby Puckett, who was a great player and one of the brightest stars from my heyday of baseball card collecting. The subject here is Tim Salmon. Let’s begin in the only way we know how: with “Kirby Puckett Insights:” I like Salmon as ...

Note: This column appears in the 8/27 issue of The Glendale Star and the 8/28 issue of the Peoria Times I had an interesting morning a couple of weeks ago. Would you like to hear about it? No? Well too bad. It was Wednesday morning and I was up at my usual time of whenever our seven-month old foster son decides to get up. So who knows…4:30am? I have not woken up with the sun in five months, so all I know is that it was dark. I embarked on my daily morning routine of bringing our foster son downstairs with our dog Mac happily following in my footsteps. I put the little guy down on the carpet so I could feed the dog. Then I let Mac outside so he could do his thing. As I approached our foster son and got ready to pick him up, what did I see resting on the nearby tile floor trying not to be noticed? Yes. A scorpion . So that was cool. A scorpion. In our house. Just feet away from a toddler. I celebrated this early morning surprise by smashing the scorpion to bits with my sandal. I smashed...