Thursday, October 22, 2009
Classic card of the week
Jeff Hostetler, 1992 Collector’s Edge
If I’m Jeff Hostetler, I am pissed. In fact, let’s for a second just pretend that I’m Jeff Hostetler, okay? Okay.
Hi. I’m Jeff Hostetler. And I am pissed. Seriously. I mean, I am the starting quarterback of the New York Football Giants. I led my team to a freakin’ Super Bowl title like, a few months ago. I have a ‘stache to die for. Don’t believe me?
So yeah, I’m pretty awesome. As a result, I think that my own football card should reflect at least a modicum of my awesomeness. So how does the Collector’s Edge brand of football cards honor my Super Bowl-winning awesomeness? By showing a picture of me with my eyes closed, getting sacked by some dude on the Rams, and almost certainly about to turn the ball over. I mean really. You could have snapped a picture of me with my jersey on taking a dump in the locker room stall and it would have been more flattering than this.
Oh hey, one other thing. I’d like to take this opportunity to publicly thank O.J. Anderson for picking up the weak side pressure on this play. Thanks, buddy! You were just in time! Ya’ know what? Next time just tackle me yourself, okay? It will lesson the chances of me breaking my back, which is exactly what happened to me last year, amazingly not on this very play.
In fact, ya’ know what I’m going to do? Because I am Jeff Hostetler –- Super Bowl-winning quarterback –- and I am so insanely proud of this football card of me, featuring me, with my eyes closed and getting my ass kicked, I am going to blow this baby up and hang it on the wall of my bagel shop. That’s right. I’m going to take down that stupid picture of me hoisting up the Lombardi Trophy and replace it with this very picture. That way, customers can come by, grab an onion bagel with some lox, and enjoy it while staring at the most unflattering picture of the namesake of the very bagel shop they are at.
What? You don’t think a Super Bowl-winning quarterback with a ridonkulous ‘stache can have a bagel shop? Why not? Everybody loves bagels! Listen man, football is fleeting. But bagels are forever:
Hostetler now lives in Morgantown, West Virginia, and owned Hostetler Bagels. He closed his bagel shop in 2005.
There was a strike, okay? I don’t want to talk about it.
Did you know?
Former Giants’ head coach Ray Handley once said that choosing between Jeff Hostetler and Phil Simms was like “trying to pick between a beautiful blonde and a brunette with a mustache, except the blonde is always injured and can’t play football.”