Classic card of the week

Kevin Maas, 1991 Waldo Candies

If you are thrown off by the bright solid red background, or the not-so-subtle mentioning of Waldo Candies, then I would like to divert your attention to the bottom of this card, where we discover that the Waldo Candies Ball Player featured here is none other than “Maas,” who, as we all know, plays for the New York American.

Please do not tell me you are still confused. You are? Well then, allow Waldo Candies to elaborate, using their popular 1920s-style Old English and lingo:



Kevin Maas, designated hitter and first baseman of the New York American League Team, was born in Castro Valley, California, January 20, 1965.

Kevinthal Roberto Maas, designated hitter of baseballs and occasional caretaker of the initial base for the New York squadron of the American League subsect of Major League Baseball and its subsidiaries, was born in the Valley of Castro within the Republic State of California to Maria Beverly Rosenberg and Donald Carlito Maas -– son of Zacharia -– on the twentieth day, under the Aquarius moon, of the month of January, in the year nineteen hundred and sixty-five. Stop.

He quickly came on the scene in 1990, when he belted 21 Home Runs in only 79 Games.

In their attempt to convince us of the professionalism and haughty stature of their line of candy products, Waldo Candies has opted to capitalize “Home Runs” and “Games,” which are neither people, or things that should ever be capitalized. It should also be noted that Waldo Candies has –- intentionally, it would seem –- failed to capitalize or even mention the Yankees, which just so happen to be the New York American League team that Kevin Maas played for.

But I have a question: Are there more of these Waldo Candies ball player cards, and if so, what must I do in order to attain them?

This is one of a series of colored pictures

Are you effing kidding me, Waldo Candies? “Colored pictures?” I can only assume that the founder of Waldo Candies –- Ralph Waldo Emerson Candyland VIII, who was born in 1812 and still held in awe the automobile contraption and the advent of printed color –- was personally responsible for penning the backs of these cards, a feat he accomplished using a feathered ink pen and which were later transferred to Microsoft Word by his secretary, Lashonda.

of famous Ball Players in the American and National Leagues,

What is this obsession with each respective league? And why is “Ball Players” capitalized? I am so annoyed by Waldo Candies right now, you have no idea.

Given Free

Let’s just capitalize everything, Shall We?

with Waldo Candies, “The Famous Candy Confection,” one card in each package. Send 100 Waldo Candies coupons or 1 coupon and $2 to TALLADEGA OFFICE for complete set of four cards.

First of all, those directions are more elaborate than sending in for your Verizon rebate. Also, I’d like to point out that the “series of colored pictures” previously mentioned is four cards. Four. And just to get this straight –- I have to either a) eat a boatload of unhealthy candy, or b) eat some candy and then scrape up two bucks from somewhere, just so I can send away for what will amount to three more weird cards that, combined with the one I already have, will be worth $0.65…in ten years. And if there are only four of these cards, and each package of Waldo Candies comes with a Free card, then chances are if I eat 100 thingees of Waldo Candies that I'll end up with the entire set and thensome, correct? The point is, mom: I need to borrow $2.

Even though this card is silly and stupid, I have to hand it to Waldo Candies. They stayed classy in a world where most candy companies attempted to lure kids into their sugar-filled trap with words like, “Zapowie-balls! Bonkers! Kablewy-chews! Fun Dip! Zammy-zook bites!” and the like.

In conclusion I’d like to rewrite the back of this card in a manner that makes sense to the average 11-year-old:

Kevin Maas played for the Yanks. He hit a bunch of dingers when he was first called up, and everyone thought he was going to be awesome. But he kind of stunk after that. I don’t know where he is. Go eat some candy.

Did you know?
The CEO of Waldo Candies -- Sir Wirthington Wennington IV -- invented the original candy apple after he, drunk off moonshine, fell into a bucket of caramel while eating an apple.