So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

Note: This column appears in the 5/1 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 5/2 issue of the Peoria Times Poor Rod Graves. While Cardinals’ general manager Rod Graves is certainly enjoying the newfound expectations that have come from the improved situation he helped create, there remains one man inadvertently trying to hold him back from future success. That man has slicked-back hair and once held a press conference on Terrell Owens’ front lawn. That man is Drew Rosenhaus. What?! That contract is a week old! Stop living in the past! Just when the Cardinals seem on the cusp of a winning season, the sports agent du jour has arrived to remind the franchise just how difficult it can be to turn a corner. Two weeks ago, linebacker Karlos Dansby -- whose agent, coincidentally, is not Drew Rosenhaus -- signed the tender offer that acknowledges his “franchise tag,” and thus will earn over $8 million this season. (Graves says a long-term deal is on the horizon.) This reminded defensive tackle Darn...

Jeff Kent, 1996 Topps One of my favorite things about Jeff Kent -- besides the fact that, by many accounts, he can be a total dick -- is his ability to drag the glam of the late 80’s/early 90’s straight into 2008, as if every progressive fashion trend that occurred during that time was just a passing fad. There is virtually no difference between the Jeff Kent of 1992 and the Jeff Kent of 2008 . That’s probably why, according to the bizarre last line of his Wikipedia page , “he is often mistaken for Jeff Foxworthy.” Apparently, white + mustache = Jeff Foxworthy. (Although, Jeff Kent DOES have his own line of beef jerky , which is a strange coincidence.) I am working on getting this line changed to: “He is often mistaken for Rance Mulliniks , who is often mistaken for Jeff Foxworthy…by nobody in particular.” I’ll keep you updated on my progress. But enough shenanigans -- let’s check out the back of the card: Kent’s knack for out-producing his athletic abilities made him a favorite of Ma...

Note: This column appears in the 4/24 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 4/25 issue of the Peoria Times It’s been rather slow on the local professional sports scene around here lately now that spring training and the Coyotes are finished. But the NFL threw us a bone last week by releasing the schedule for the 2008 season. As everyone knows, the NFL landscape can change pretty dramatically in a year’s time, so looking too much into a team’s schedule four months before the season even starts is fairly pointless and presumptive. But it just so happens that my whole style is pointless and presumptive! So that’s what we’re going to do – look too much into the Arizona Cardinals’ 2008 schedule four months before the season starts. Because, it seems to me, if Matt Leinart can put the beer bong down for two seconds, that the Cards have a chance to do some pretty special things this year. For starters, after two consecutive seasons in which the league put the Cardinals on national television -...

One of the cool things about my job is that I oftentimes end up getting tickets for stuff. Like Jimmy Buffet . Or a monster truck rally . Usually, these are events that I probably would not attend were it not for the fact that I have free tickets. However, a musical act came around recently that I really wanted to see. This musical act is called “Bon Jovi.” They are a “rock” band from New Jersey, and my wife and I prefer to call them “the Jov.” Lucky for us, we got tickets through my work. Let me first say this: I am aware that there are many (some?) people out there who like Bon Jovi on a serious level, and consider them as legitimate a rock & roll band as say, U2. I am not one of those people. I don’t even really like them that much. I liked them when I was a kid -- it took me a few years to grow out of naming “Living’ on a Prayer” as my favorite song, and I distinctly remember “Bad Medicine” coming in first on Z100’s “Top Five at 9” for approximately 829 straight days. Then I be...

Anonymous, 1990 Upper Deck There are four reasons why a baseball player’s name would not appear on his own baseball card: a) that player is so well-known that it is actually unnecessary to include that player’s name on the card, b) somebody just straight-up forgot to include the player’s name on the card, c) this player simply does not exist, and everything you are seeing is an illusion, or d) you are in a movie, and this player is your father, and you have to go back in time and save him from going into that building that was on fire, and then his name will appear on the card again. So, if this is a player who is so well-known that his name goes without saying, then I’M the moron. There is only one player I can think of from the 1990 Houston Astros that trancended sports and became an international superstar, and whose name was not required to print on a card because everyone already knew who he was, and that man was Franklin Stubbs. This is not Franklin Stubbs. Trust me. Upon furthe...

Note: This column appears in the 4/17 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 4/18 issue of the Peoria Times When my editor handed me two tickets to go see Jimmy Buffet perform live at Margaritaville , I asked her if I could write about it, since ya’ know, I usually write about sports (poorly). She joked with me that I should try and find a sports angle for the column. At least, I hope she was joking, because after much contemplation -- I think I may have heard “Cheeseburger in Paradise” during halftime of a Nets game back in the ‘90’s! -- I have decided this is too much of a stretch. So, screw it. I’m writing about Jimmy Buffet this week. Not sports. You’re welcome. No. 1 album on iTunes last week I should preface this by saying I am not a Jimmy Buffet fan per say, which is to say I do not consider myself a Parrothead. (This should thoroughly annoy all of the die-hard Buffet fans who couldn’t make this show, as tickets could only be won, not purchased. Or, in my case, handed to me by an e...

Tariq Abdul-Wahad, 1998 Skybox For the past several years, this blog has been flooded with requests to post a Tariq Abdul-Wahad card. Also, this is not true. Also, here is your freakin’ Tariq Adbul-Wahad card, you heathens! Now leave me alone! The front of this card is rather unspectacular, even though I do love me a good montage of the same pose. As far as the random “A” is concerned…I only discovered that it signified the “A” in “Abdul-Wahad” by looking at other cards in this series. Knowing this, however, does not diminish the fact that this makes no sense. As if the letter “A” is an easier means of identifying Tariq Abdul-Wahad: Me : Yo, my boy A was off the heezy last night?* Other person : Oh, fo real? You mean Ala Abdelnaby? Me : What? Pfftt! No jerkoff! I’m talking about Tariq Abdul-Wahad! Other person : True, true. But again, this is nitpicking. The real fun exists on the back of the card, where we have this interesting little nugget with regards to Abdul-Wahad: Tour de France...

Zane Smith, 1989 Score When Zane Smith was in the zone -- and this was, pretty much, all the time -- his face tended to reflect the extreme focus with which he pitched. A contemporary equivalent would be the face that Dave Matthews makes when he is jamming out to a particularly jam-worthy Dave Matthews song. (Ed. note: White people be crazy !) Besides, it’s not like Zane Smith made that face all the time: Do the chickens have large talons? Regardless, let’s find out more about Zane Smith, the athlete: Zane, a southpaw, side-arming sinkerballer, Interjection: This tidbit won the 1989 Pulitzer Prize for “Best Use of Alliteration in the Category of Zane Smith.” was one of the better lefthanders in the league in 1988 despite his losing record. Granted, I understand that wins are not an accurate reflection of a pitcher’s performance. (Shout-out to FJM !) Still, after reading this, one may be inclined to say to himself, or even to herself, “Okay, I’ll buy that. So what was he like, 11-13 wi...

Note: This column appears in the 4/10 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 4/11 issue of the Peoria Times Last Monday, pictures showing Cardinals’ quarterback Matt Leinart partying with some co-eds, a beer funnel, and a hot tub were discovered online. Regardless of your opinion on the matter -- those passing judgment from afar in such instances can become rather tiresome, if you ask me (which you didn’t) -- it’s pretty safe to say that these pictures did not necessarily provide the Cardinals with good press. Last Wednesday, the offensive captain of the Arizona Cardinals was doing something a little bit different. Anquan Boldin was at Marshall Ranch Elementary School, playing basketball against some seventh and eighth graders. This was the second year that Boldin -- widely considered one of the toughest wideouts in the league -- took part in this game, which is an event orchestrated by Marshall Ranch boy’s basketball coach, and former baller himself, Scott Shaver. Basically, Shaver rec...

Brian Giles, 2001 Stadium Club Few things in the history of civilization generated as much pure joy as playing for the 2000 Pittsburgh Pirates. Just ask Brian Giles, who scored the winning run during Game Seven of the World Series -- a day game -- to give the Pirates the title, and celebrated by opening his mouth to catch the popcorn that the fans were joyously tossing in his direction as gratitude, and also by pulling Kevin Young’s batting helmet over his face. That, or Brian Giles was being chased by a bee. Also, after dissecting Dean Palmer’s , I am in the mood again for some ANALYSKILLS, and luckily for me, Brian Giles has them as well. Let’s take a look: Drives the ball where it is pitched… Giles led the major leagues in 1999 with 179 hits into the catcher’s mitt. Level, quick swing that produces line-drive home runs… One of Brain Giles most renowned ANALYSKILLS was his ability to hit majestic, line-drive home runs that would often injure fans that did not bring their gloves to th...

Note: This column appears in the 4/3 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 4/4 issue of the Peoria Times I’ve barely recovered from the Super Bowl. Now this. Last Friday it was announced that the University of Phoenix Stadium will host its first ever basketball game. (The game will not, as I had assumed it would, be between the University of Phoenix Online Cougars and the Harlem Globetrotters.) It will be a doubleheader event that will take place sometime this December, with one game pitting national power Louisville against the University of Minnesota, and the next game featuring Brigham Young against ASU. Not as good as THIS, but still... First question: Why? Well, for one thing, the Stadium has already been awarded the West Regional’s of the 2009 NCAA men’s basketball tourney (where, by the way, I already have Gonzaga losing to whoever they’re playing), and these games will be, at the very least, a trial run for that. Second question: Why else? Well, the games will also serve as a sh...

Danny Vranes, 1992 Wild Card What makes Danny Wranes a Wild Card? Before we even get into that, we must check the back of the card: One thing that makes Danny Wranes a Wild Card is that sometimes he is Danny Wranes, and sometimes he is Danny Vranes. Take your pick! He doesn’t give a shit -- he’s a Wild Card! Another thing that makes Danny Rranes a Wild Card is that it looks as though he is about to murder me in my sleep. NOT cool, Danny Qranes! ( Eric , who sent this beauty in, notices a striking resemblance to MacGyver, which cannot be argued.) You may also notice that Danny played collegiate ball at Utah, but at the time of this card, he was exhibiting his perfect shooting form for the Breeze, a popular team that was sponsored by a local New Jersey radio station, and that still to this day has a heated rivalry with the Nantucket Nectars. As you probably know, this particular card was part of the 1st Edition (!!!) of the Wild Card Collegiate Basketball Premier Edition, or something. T...

Dean Palmer, 2001 Topps The career of Dean Palmer can be described in the following fake conversation that I had with myself over the course of fifteen years or so: Me , 1991 : Who the hell is Dean Palmer? Me , 1996 : Hey, Dean Palmer is pretty friggin’ good! Me , 2005 : I wonder what ever happened to Dean Palmer. Oddly enough, this very train of thought could pretty much describe any famous person who ever existed, as evidenced by this: Me , 1725 : Who the hell is Benjamin Franklin? Me , 1763 : Hey, Benjamin Franklin is pretty friggin’ proficient! Me , 2008 : I wonder what ever happened to Benjamin Franklin. The point is that, by the time it seemed as though Dean Palmer had arrived as a ballplayer, he was gone. Despite having four seasons of over 30 home runs, and four seasons of at least 100 RBI, he never quite made the leap to superstardom, and thus, was a failure as a human being. Of course, that was a joke -- Dean Palmer was a great person. He even started the “Dean Palmer Founda...

Note: This column appears in the 3/27 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 3/28 issue of the Peoria Times The Phoenix Coyotes are currently, as of this Monday, 12th in the Western Conference standings. They are six points away from that 8th spot and the playoff berth that comes with it, but also six points away from finishing in second-to-last place. They only have five games left in the season. Barring some unforeseen circumstance in which Isiah Thomas takes over the top 11 teams in the Western Conference for the last week of the season, the Coyotes are not making the playoffs. Based on the above information, the Coyotes have pretty much played to expectations this season. But leaving it at that would dismiss a few very important things. For example, at one point during the season -- January, to be specific -- Phoenix was arguably the hottest team in the NHL, when, in that span, they won 11 games and dropped only three. If they could have simply played at that pace for the entire seaso...

Jose Mesa, 1996 Topps Many people -- such as Phillies fans, or Indians fans, or baseball fans, or the rest of people on earth -- recognize Jose Mesa by his inability to properly execute a save. However, in 1995, Jose Mesa finished second in voting for the AL Cy Young Award, which included a then-record streak of 38 consecutive saves. Let’s, according to the back of this card, find out what Cleveland manager Mike Hargrove thought of this feat at the time: I think it’s the most improbable thing anybody can imagine. This really puts things in perspective. Not only does this statement include many amazing things that had already happened in reality -- like, for example, man walking on the moon, the emergence of Flava Flav, and the invention of the computer -- which were, according to Mike Hargrove, all trumped by Jose Mesa’s consecutive saves streak. This statement also includes anything that anybody can imagine . Let’s see…I just imagined that a rainbow-colored unicorn with candy canes fo...

We are currently in the midst of having guests. My in-laws are here, and will be until after Easter, and two of my brothers-in-law are scheduled to arrive tomorrow night. My friend Pete, his wife Yvette, and their 4-year old son (my Godson) Matthew came to visit as well, and just left us earlier this week. It’s been great having a full house, and it was especially great having Matthew around. It’s funny – two months ago, we were in the routine of coming home to an empty house after work, but for the past week or so we’ve grown used to tripping over our new dog (Mac) and finding miniature dinosaurs in our houseplants. And Matthew is a funny, funny, little guy, with quite an imagination. On the nights he had to take a bath, we could hear him from downstairs, playing the hero in the epic underwater battle between a plastic lobster and a rubber pterodactyl. Matthew said a lot of innocently hilarious things throughout the course of his stay. And I don’t want to come across like Bill Cosby h...

Note: This column appears in the 3/20 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 3/21 issue of the Peoria Times I received a press release last week for the Adventure Boot Camp Series that begins on March 24th at the University of Phoenix Stadium. The first thing that struck me about this press release was the following line: Attendees will have the opportunity to work on their buns of steel in the grid iron stadium that recently hosted one of the best Super Bowls ever . I was unsure how these two things were related, as if after the Super Bowl had concluded, people were saying to themselves, “Wow, what a game! Ya’ know, that stadium looks like a great place to work on my buns.” Also, if your buns are already steel, then you needn’t be concerned, correct? I am rambling now. But luckily, I read on. Turns out, Peoria Adventure Boot Camp -- a fitness program for women -- is hosting a special four-week co-ed fitness camp that will utilize elements of the stadium to whip people into shape, which w...

Jose Guillen, 1998 Topps Jose Guillen is everybody’s favorite teammate. He doesn’t even mind white people, as evidenced by this particular photo, in which he is about to engage in a “high five” with your everyday Caucasian, something that many Latin players, back in 1998, were hesitant to do, out of fear of overstepping the bounds of the “Latin explosion” sweeping the nation at the time. And as everybody knows: White guys celebrate like this (two white men attempt a high five, miss terribly), but Latin guys celebrate like THIS (two Latin guys execute a series of complicated hand gestures set to a hip-hop beat that lasts 12 minutes, and ends in a Salsa routine with two scantily clad females). So yes, as previously stated, Jose Guillen is everybody’s favorite teammate. Unless of course, Jose Guillen disapproves of a managerial decision , in which case he can be a very difficult teammate, and you might as well plan on playing without him until he cools down, which might not be until 8 day...

Note: This column appears in the 3/13 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 3/14 issue of the Peoria Times Last Friday evening was my annual fantasy baseball draft. Going into this particular draft, I felt that I possessed a distinct advantage, as I have been furiously scouting various major league teams during spring training. Granted, by “various major teams” I am referring to, pretty much, the Padres, who, until last Friday, I had seen play a grand total of one time in 2008. And my distinct method of scouting involves watching several players (on the Padres) play baseball for two innings during a meaningless spring training game, and making general assumptions based on this small sample size of performance. So with the draft fast approaching, I decided it would be a good idea to get in one more cram session, bringing my grand total of scouting cram sessions to two. On draft day, Friday, the Padres were facing the Arizona Diamondbacks, which would give me some great insight into yet an...

Mel Hall, 1990 Topps Ignorance is indeed bliss, and as a young child, I enjoyed rooting for Mel Hall. Like every Yankee fan, Don Mattingly was nothing short of an icon, and while he remained unquestionably my favorite athlete, Mel Hall served as a refreshing contrast to the business-like, non-sexually-assaulting, consistent approach of Donnie Baseball. Hall had a swagger to him, and he exhibited and inspired confidence at the plate. He was fun, and different, and I liked him. Little did I know at the time that Mel Hall was a clubhouse cancer, trying his darndest to derail the young career of a future Yankee stalwart, Bernie Williams. From the blog bronxbanter , a snippet from Joel Sherman’s book, Birth of a Dynasty : Hall taped "Mr. Zero" to the top of Williams's locker to signify that he meant nothing to the team. One day Hall nearly brought Williams to tears by saying, "Zero, shut up," every time Williams tried to speak. The more Williams tried, the louder Hal...