So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

Her chair is not pushed in. Hers is the only placemat remaining on the kitchen table from the breakfast we prepared and served, a crumbled-up napkin resting atop, left out of spite at being asked to put it away when she wasn't in the right frame of mind to do so. On the kitchen counter is her work ID badge and lanyard—courtesy of the job we held her hand through finding and applying for, and which she has somehow retained despite her extreme case of RBF within the field of customer care and retail—next to a three-foot-tall brand-name water bottle that she will violently fill under duress when it’s time to leave for said job, spilling and sloshing her way toward a promise of hydration that won’t be fulfilled, in turn depleting what remains of our filtered water supply and the ice that we had to make via a separate machine because she and/or her sister broke the freezer’s built-in ice maker. There are tweezers on the counter, too, for some reason, along with a receipt for eyelash att...

My wife grabbed my leg in church at almost the exact same time that I, too, noticed the collections usher was wearing a graphic T-shirt. At this point, it didn't really matter what the shirt read— it was jarring on its own that the 60-something-year-old collections usher was wearing a graphic T-shirt; for reference, the elderly usher next to him moving slowly down the main middle aisle was wearing a too-big green dress shirt with suspenders holding up a pair of jeans that, without the suspenders, would have no doubt been around his ankles, a wardrobe that was at least trying — but as he moved closer it became clear that it absolutely mattered what the T-shirt read. YEAH I'M INTO FITNESS /getting closer/ FIT'N THIS DEER INTO MY I'm delirious at this point. I was barely able to stay awake during the homily and it suddenly feels like I have just polished off three Red Bulls. The letters are so large that it doesn't seem possible so much text can be legibly contained wi...

The Weird Animals Facebook page has finally chimed in on the latest controversy surrounding the two WNBA players who were disqualified from court: It's unclear when this violation of the award (?) took place, since the WNBA season is either 54 days ahead or five months behind us, but enforcement of the self-explanatory "No Kneeling During Flag Salute" — be it swiftly in advance or lagging a bit behind — is nevertheless inevitable. Woe to the two unnamed players who reportedly (by Weird Animals) kneeled during the traditional pre-game flag salute. It must have been hella embarrassing for them to try to step on the court afterwards only to be informed they had been disqualified from the very court on which they planned to play basketball, and also they are under arrest (seeking confirmation from Weird Animals). This post has more than 1k reactions, 56 shares, and 157 comments from various clear-headed Boomers: Roy Barnes is all about a person's rights, obviously, but e...

Hello everyone, and welcome to Leslie’s Top Ten Tips for Extending Your Pool Season . This is the result of me happening to click on just one of the 17 emails I receive daily from Leslie’s Pool Supply, and I’m glad I did because now I am 10 tips richer when it comes to extending my pool season! I WILL SWIM FOREVER. I would also like to share my newfound knowledge so that maybe you , too, can enjoy your pool all the way through December. 1. There are many options available for extending your swimming season. Tip number one is that there are many tips. Thank you. Cooler weather outside doesn't mean you have to shut down your swimming pool. With the help of Leslie's heating products, your swimming season can be extended by several weeks – or even months. Solar covers, gas heaters, heat pumps, and solar heaters all help to increase the amount of time you and your family can comfortably enjoy the pool. No matter which option works best for you, there's something available for ev...

I would like to talk about Elton John, who is (along with Bernie Taupin) widely considered one of pop music’s premier and most legendary singer-songwriters. Which I am not here to dispute. Elton John is great! I love him. We all love him.  HOWEVER. Within his illustrious canon of music are several lines I have never been able to reconcile. And these aren’t from deep cuts, but two of his most popular and famous songs, including one of my all-time favorites, “Rocket Man.” I think we’ve collectively given him a pass for these lyrics, one he’s undoubtedly earned, but the honeymoon is over after the Uber Eats commercial , and justice must be served right now, right here, on a blog nobody reads. ----------

Is It Me Or Are We Going Too Far? It’s you. More and more I feel like I’m losing touch with the world we live in.  Strong lede. You’ve established yourself as the type of person I would like to listen to. Yes I realize that it’s largely due to my age No, please, you’re being too hard on yourself. I think it’s ABOUT TIME we hear more from the middle-aged, straight white male point of view, especially when it comes to matters of inclusivity. but I always through I was pretty understanding when it came to change and the need to accept it.   “I always through I was pretty understanding” I’m not sure I can say that any longer. Technically you couldn’t say it just now. Within the last few days my beloved Penn State University, which got eight years of my money as a parent of two graduates has as one newspaper called it, “become the latest college to make a move towards wokemania.”  That may be strong but it also may be correct. I’ve never quite been able to ...

I'M LESS CONFUSED BY THE GIANT AVOCADO THAN I AM THAT A DOCTOR WROTE THIS STORY? DOCTOR 1 : I WAS JUST PUBLISHED IN THE NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF MEDICINE DOCTOR 2 : I RECENTLY WROTE A STORY FOR THE WEBSITE FLORASPRING ABOUT A 71-YEAR-OLD WOMAN GETTING HER DREAM BODY GIANT AVOCADO : /KILLS THEM BOTH/ SHOCKED INTO A HEART ATTACK AT AGE 106 BY THE UNCLAIMED BENEFIT OF A DISCOUNTED ICE CREAM CONE IS HOW I WANT TO GO OUT IMAGINE GETTING ALL DRESSED UP TO GO OUT IN CELEBRATION OF EQUITY RELEASE MYTHS, ONLY TO DISCOVER THAT THOSE MYTHS WERE MYTHS ALL ALONG "IT'S GONNA TAKE SOME TIME TO RECOVER FROM THIS, BUT THANK YOU LUXURY SUVs FOR BRINGING THIS TO MY ATTENTION BEFORE I MADE A BAD EQUITY RELEASE DECISION" - THIS WOMAN "BY THE WAY THIS PHOTO WON'T BE A CLOSE-UP, WILL IT?" THAT FEELING WHEN YOU'VE FOUND THE PERFECT WAY TO GET UP THE STAIRS

This past weekend we participated in the Tutu Run in Asbury Park to benefit Big Brothers Big Sisters because WE, my family, are the true heroes. It was a short race along the boardwalk, a mile in and then back. Near the turnaround spot there was a man playing his guitar and singing, covering popular rock songs, a bucket in front of him for donations. Ella wanted to give him a few bucks—or, more accurately, she wanted ME to give HER a few bucks that she could in turn give him, a total big salad scenario—but this was difficult to do because we were, ya’ know, in the middle of a race, and my wallet was zipped and tucked between layers of clothes that included a bright pink tutu. After the race, however, as we were driving down Ocean Avenue, my wife had the idea to stop and grab a couple coffees at a place she had spotted along the boardwalk. So we parked, and I ran out to do so. As I reached the boardwalk, lo and behold, there was guitar man about a hundred feet away, still jamming. So I ...

No one actually likes , I don't think, their cable/internet service provider. Being neutral about it is probably the best case scenario. Even having to endure the annual song and dance-- after your initial promotional period ends and your bill jumps up like $20-- of having to call your provider to get a new promo is tolerable if it works. Just provide the necessary services at a decent price, with good customer service when needed, is all we ask. Being middle aged and having aligned myself with a number of cable/internet providers over the years from around the country, none of which I've particularly liked, I can say with confidence that Optimum is the worst. Not the worst of all providers ; the worst of everything. I don't like to use the word hate, but I hate Optimum. Hate them. HATE. Them. (Hate.) "But Mike, why don't you switch services?" Great question. BECAUSE I CAN'T. Optimum is the only provider in our area. This seems like, and definitely is , a ...

OVERWEIGHT WHITE WOMEN ON FACEBOOK, UNITE THIS IS A CALL TO ARMS AGAINST PEOPLE LIKE BRENDA WHO ONCE LIED ABOUT GOING TO CURVES WHEN SHE WAS ACTUALLY AT BRUNCH WITH MARSHA I'M SERIOUSLY TRYING TO PROPERLY INTERPRET THE THESIS OF THIS MEME WHICH SEEMS TO BE THIS: BEING OVERWEIGHT IS A CHARACTER FLAW BUT NOT AS BAD AS BEING DISLOYAL  I FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE ANYONE WOULD ACCEPT THAT FALSE PREMISE AND ARGUE THAT THIS IS TRUE I STAND CORRECTED MANY PEOPLE HAVE HOPPED ON THE "BETTER TO HAVE A FRIEND WITH TWO CHINS THAN ONE WITH TWO FACES" BANDWAGON RECENTLY BUT LYNN JOHNS HAS ALWAYS BELIEVED THIS LYNN JOHNS, YOUR STREET CRED IS HARD EARNED KOI I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS COMMENT FOR 15 MINUTES AND HERE ARE THE RESULTS OF MY RESEARCH STUDY, PRESENTED IN ORDER OF MOST LIKELY: 2) JILL GANZ HAS OUTED HERSELF ON FACEBOOK AS BEING DISLOYAL, THUS RISKING BOTH HER SOCIAL STATUS AND "TOP FAN" DESIGNATION 1) JILL GANZ LITERALLY HAS TWO FACES, EACH WITH A DOUBLE CHIN SO ...

THE PERFECT MEME FILLS THE VOID OF 'DID YOUR GRANDMA WEAR THIS?' DISCUSSION THAT IS SORELY LACKING RIGHT NOW ✅ GLARING TYPO ✅ A+ RESPONSES ✅ MY MUM LOVED THE SMELL MEMORIES GONNA NEED ANOTHER SOURCE ON THIS SAY WHAT YOU WANT ABOUT DENISE BUT SHE NEVER WORE A MOO MOO AND WAS THEREFORE A WOMAN OF HER WORD /JEFF FOXWORTHY VOICE/ YOUR WIFE MIGHT BE A GRANDMA ... IF SHE WEARS ONE OF *THESE*!  /CROWD ROARS, BILL SLUMPS IN SEAT/ BEAUTIFUL AND SEAMLESSLY ADDRESSES THE FIVE CORE TOPICS OF THE TRADITIONAL EULOGY: DID HE/SHE WEAR A MOO MOO? RENTER OR BUYER? HOW DID THEY SPEND THE MONEY THEY CLAIMED NOT TO HAVE? LAUNDRY PROCESS YEAR OF DEATH TOUGH TO TRANSITION FROM THERE BUT WE'LL TRY ABSOLUTE BARE MINIMUM EFFORT ON DEVELOPING THIS 'DO YOU REMEMBER SOMETHING' MEME STILL HAS 1,445 LIKES, 239 SHARES, AND 200 COMMENTS, ONE OF WHICH IS BOUND TO BE RACIST I THINK BY 'ANTENNA' THEY MEAN 'KNOB' BUT WHO EFFING CARES-- WHO REMEMBERS TVS DAMMIT! SITTING ON A FUNERAL HOM...

I decided to try and keep a running diary that lists the nature of the arguments our daughters have had with each other during quarantine. Here it is ... kind of; these are mostly from the past few days. I will try my best to update accordingly, as this is obviously an ongoing, fluid situation with no end in sight: whether Ella really brushed her teeth who is doing the puzzle who is better at puzzles whether or not Madi will live in a nursing home Ella is shhh-ing me Madi is copying me whether or not Madi wants ALF to be her boyfriend WHO (will) LET THE DOG S OUT how long ago we threw that bug out the window who will get Madi the banana what time it is whether or not Ella was looking at the microwave when she correctly guessed what time it was whom Mom told to get the disinfectant spray and who is better at getting disinfectant spray, generally who has the more negative attitude who is making mean faces if "you better be quiet during my Zoom meeti...

WONDERING IF, DURING THIS QUARANTINE, THERE ARE BIRDS LOOKS LIKE THERE BIRDS WHEW! HAD A PLAYA STRESSIN' I NORMALLY DON'T CLICK ON THESE TEASER LINKS BUT ALL THIS BIRD TALK AND THIS BEAUTIFUL PHOTO HAS PIQUED MY INTEREST "LIKE IF REDMAN WERE REALLY INTO BIRDS" - ROLLING STONE DOES THE ALBUM HAVE A THEME "THIS IS A CUT FROM MY NEW ALBUM 'THERE ARE BIRDS,' IT'S CALLED 'THERE ARE BIRDS' "IT'S ABOUT HOW THERE ARE BIRDS ... "CHECK IT OUT, UH ... PREMIER ON THE 1 AND 2S /PREMIER DROPS BEAT/ "UH, YO, CHECK IT OUT ... "THERE ARE BIRDS, THERE ARE BIRDS, THAT'S MY WORD, CHECK THE WORLD OUT THERE DOIN' THEIR THING, FLASHIN' THAT BLING, LISTEN, HEAR THEM SING SHOUTOUT TO MY HOMIE THE NORTHERN LAPWING GOIN' ABOUT ALL THE THINGS, DURING SPRING, AIN'T NO THING FLYIN' IN THE FACE OF SOCIAL DIS-TANC-ING YO THE BIRDS ARE THERE, IN THE AIR, IN MY HAIR?, ONLY THING FOR SURE ...

I don’t recall a time from my young life when I wasn’t constantly playing basketball, and I don’t remember our house without the hoop out front. Whatever vague recollection there is suggests the basketball hoop was installed when I was in maybe second grade, when my dad, a pipefitter, brought home a two-ton cylindrical metal pole he had crafted at work and then somehow, with the help of at least five friends no doubt, forged that thing into the earth a foot or so from the street, and attached the hoop with metal brackets to its required 10-foot height. There were jokes, I think, about my dad having to do it this way, his way, which is to say making the dang thing at his work while probably using a blow torch and not just buying a regular basketball hoop like everyone else. (Those who’ve read the book might recall that my dad also crafted me a metal pole at work when I needed a shepherd’s staff for my fifth-grade Christmas play, so this was on brand.) It was, however, to his cre...

Everyone is full of contradictions. Our daughters, however, as they do with all things, take it to another level. I used to write often about their issues related to adoption, but I don’t much anymore because I no longer write columns for a newspaper, they’re getting older and I don’t want to hijack their stories and, honestly? I’m exhausted. Just know this: They’re both very close to the school counselor. AS ARE WE. So. Their school has a program where they recognize a student in each grade monthly for having high character. Our girls have never won this award. This is not a surprise! When she was in third grade our oldest wrote “poop” on another student’s pencil case … during CCD, for absolutely no reason other than boredom. Our youngest has had her seat moved like 17 times this year alone for being a distraction. However, they do have their moments, and we’re not ashamed to admit that we’ve utilized our relationship with the school counselor to lobby for them. Maybe if the sch...

TF IS A DORM SIZE FRIG? OH, REFRIGERATOR FRIG DOES NOT EQUAL FRIDGE BTW ADAM THE GOOD SAMARITAN SAID HE COULD DO IT IN AN HOUR, NOT MONDAY DAMMIT LIKE I ALWAYS SAY, DON'T POST ABOUT THE FRIG UNTIL YOU HAVE THE FRIG WHERE THE FRIG IS THE FRIG "ALL THE PEOPLE" WAS ADAM, SO CHILL THE REST OF US HOWEVER ARE ON THE EDGES OF OUR SEATS REGARDING THE WHEREABOUTS OF THE FRIG THE FRIG? HONESTLY ARLENE, THIS HAS BEEN A WASTE OF EVERYONE'S TIME

TAG THIS UNDER "UPSET ABOUT ICE MELT SOLUTION" FIORE IS THROWING BOWS ON HOWELL TOWNSHIP LET US START A DIALOGUE ON THIS ISSUE PREVENTATIVE ICE MELT SOLUTIONS ARE INDICATIVE OF WHERE WE ARE AS A SOCIETY DAMMIT "MOST ACCIDENTS ARE CAUSED BY NOT AN ACCIDENT AT ALL" FIORE THE FILOSOPHER I WOULD BET ANYTHING THAT FIORE IS THE LEAST SENSIBLE DRIVER I'M PICTURING HIM DRIVING IN INCLEMENT WEATHER ON UN-PREPPED ROADS AND FISHTAILING OUT WILDLY BECAUSE HE TOOK HIS HANDS OFF THE STEERING WHEEL TO SHAKE HIS FIST AT A STORE SIGN THAT READS "CLOSED MONDAYS" FIORE: /HOBBLING AWAY FROM VEHICLE WHICH IS WEDGED IN THE ENTRANCE OF A TEXAS ROADHOUSE/ OFFICER : AND WHAT CAUSED THE ACCIDENT SIR FIORE : THIS ACCIDENT WAS CAUSED BY NOT AN ACCIDENT! OFFICER : /WRITES DOWN "CAUSE: DRIVER" IN NOTEPAD/ HMMM I WONDER WHAT FIORE THINKS OF THESE TWO COMMENTS FIORE IS FINISHED! WHAT HAVE YOU ALL DONE TO FIORE FIORE IS NOT FI...