Thursday, January 05, 2017

Spam email of the week

From: <arias@infomed.sld.cu>
Date: December 23, 2016 at 3:56:38 PM EST
To: undisclosed-recipients:;
Subject: From Paul

Everything seems on the up and up so far.

From. Paul Ndopu

Tel: 
+27834763647,

PLEASE GET BACK TO ME BELOW MY PRIVATE Email= 
paulndopu4@gmail.com

OK. Can I read this first? Let me read this first.

Dear Friend

We are here with our mother

In anxious times such as these, I don’t require context or a backstory. Just get to the point – are you all there and, if so, is your mother there as well? This is the foundation on which I will base my decision to proceed or nah.

Btw, when this email is made into a movie, I want Morgan Freeman to dramatically narrate this opening line on some “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times” type ish.

meanwhile we got your name in our search for a foreign partner who will help us as we and our mother status as refugee cannot allow us to transfer our money.

I think I speak for all of us undisclosed recipients when I say, I understand, and thank you for choosing me exclusively.

Please accept our
apology if this e-mail is embarrassing as you don't know us.

Embarrassing is when someone farts in church. This garbage nonsense email elicits feelings of confusion and disgust. So no worries!

My mother and I

We’re not even out of the first paragraph and we’re on the third “mother.” Looks like we got a real motherboy on our hands here.

we are in need of urgent assistance. I the son Paul and my mother

Are you with your mother?

Madam Thokozile and my sister? Miss Miriam Ndopu,

If I ever write a book about spam emails, it will be titled “Is Miss Miriam Ndopu My Sister?” And Other Important Questions I Am Unqualified to Answer. If anyone would like to publish this, holla.

the DOUTHTER of Sir, and Julius Ndopu, of Zimbabwe.

That is one emphatic-ass gross misspelling, but it has left me with the pleasure of imagining the Zimbabwe version of Pearl Jam singing, “Don’t call me DOUTHTER.”

During the current crises against farmers in Zimbabwe and from the support of our president ROBERT MUGABE to claim all the white owned farms in our country. All the white farmers were ordered to surrender their farms to his party members.

I am so tired of whites being oppressed.

Our father Sir Julius Ndopu who was one of the best farmers in our country did not support his idea. And so the party
members invaded my father's farms and burnt everything in the farm, and our father was beaten up by this evil men and made away with a lot of properties in our father's farm company And the tension was so
much on him he was rushed to a SPECIALIT HOSPITAL in South Africa

“Farming got you down? Political parties burning your Caucasian corn crops? Feel like there’s nowhere to turn? There is. Doctors and nurses at the SPECIALIT HOSPITAL FOR FARMER TENSION in South Africa are experts in relieving crop- and political-related strife, as well as injuries sustained during beatdowns by evil farming villains. So if you’re a white farmer with adequate insurance, call us today. You’ll be happy you did.”

along with us and our mother

Hold up, this is the first I’m hearing about your mother.

we move out of Zimbabwe because our lives were in danger. And after much distress our beloved father died
here in South Africa. But before then, our father handed over to our mother

#mother

a proof of deposit slip/Agreement and some documents which was made between him and A VERY RELIABLE FINANCIAL SECURITY COMPANY here in South Africa on which he deposited the sum of $30MILION (THIRTY MILLION
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA DOLLAR)

Sir Julius Ndopu (father): I cannot survive these (cough) significant injuries from being beat up by evil farming men, but (cough) before I go … here … a deposit slip from A VERY RELIABLE FINANCIAL SECURITY COMPANY.

Madam Thokozile (mother): Geez, did you summon all your strength just to yell that?

Father: Yes, this is very important. Also, here are some documents (throws papers on floor). This obviously proves I have deposited $30MILLION UNITED STATES OF AMERICA DOLLAR.

Mother: I just, what? This deposit slip has a picture of a stick figure handing a sack that reads “$30MILL USA” to another stick figure and it’s signed by “very reliable financial security company guy president.”

Father: You must be surprised that I never revealed my legitimate riches. I had my reasons. My reasons were that I wanted it for myself. Sorry/not sorry. (dies)

This money was raised by his farmer's group for the purchasing of farming equipments/machineries before the land dispute Rose.

Rose (Mother’s skeptical friend): So, I don’t get it. Where did he get $30 million to invest in securities?

Mother: This money was raised by his farmer's group for the purchasing of farming equipments/machineries before the land dispute, Rose.

So we decided to make contact with an overseas person,

I’M AN OVERSEAS PERSON

who will assist us
to transfer this money out of South Africa, we want to be there in your country. We are here as refugee and our status don't allow us to stand for the fund for transfer, we will like you to stand as our father's
beneficiary,

I understand completely. Do you think my status as “not your father’s beneficiary” will allow me to stand for the fund transfer?

and with the help of our father's financial attorney this transfer is going to be fast and easy.

Honestly, I don’t get involved in any fiscal transactions that aren’t blessed by a Zimbabwean financial attorney. And fast and easy is how I prefer my fund transfers, women, coffee, and boxed mac n’ cheese.

Note that for your time and help 35% of this fund is yours and 5% of the fund is for any expenses incurred
both locally and internationally in the course of this transfer and the remaining 60% is for our family to start up business in your country with your support.

This is an extremely fair breakdown. Financial attorney much? lol

PLEASE GET BACK TO ME BELOW MY PRIVATE Email= 
paulndopu4@gmail.com

When you reply we will tell you things you need to do.

OK. I am with my mother. Does that matter?

THANKS AND GOD BLESS YOU
Mr. Paul and Miss Miriam Ndopu
(FOR THE FAMILY)

FOR THE FAMILY, the new hit CBS sitcom starring Mr. Paul and Miss Miriam Ndopu, premiers this Wednesday!

“Where did all the money for the farming machineries go?”

“I told you, mother - father invested the money in securities before he died.”

“Well what about MY security? Who's gonna plow these crops, ADT? ”

(laugh track)

“(in unison) What now, Rose?”

“I mean, do guys understand even the basic concept of a legal financial transaction?”

“(in unison) Goodbye, Rose! (door slams)”

(laugh track)

CBS Wednesday! 

2 comments:

troy said...

My thing is, if you're going to own being from Zimbabwe anyway, why get a Cuban email address?

Also, are Rose and Blanche switching roles in this new project?

And also, I'm not sure the results of the election have made it to South Africa yet.

mkenny59 said...

It would be cool if Paul's original hometown email address was like mrpaul@hotmail.zimbabwe.farm. And yes, I don't think the election results have made it, although I don't think this email's presentation of some kind of reverse apartheid is historically accurate anyway.