Is your refrigerator running? Because buy my refrigerator

I’m trying to sell a refrigerator and it’s not going well. Actually, I’m trying to sell an entire set of appliances—our new home came with, but we came with our own—but the randos online only seem interested in the fridge.

If, that is, by “interested” I mean “interested in sending me on a wild goose chase trying to maintain communication or decipher what that communication even is.” From my experience, people in the field of wanting to buy things from strangers are not dissimilar to those who choose to comment on various Facebook memes. It’s nearly impossible to establish and/or maintain a level of fruitful discourse.

But enough with the setup. I posted the fridge to craigslist:

Is refrigerator still available?

If you’re referring to the refrigerator I JUST POSTED TWO MINUTES AGO, then yes. It is. (These are not my actual responses. These are my frustrated responses on a blog in hindsight after everything played out to its inevitable, pointless end.)

What are you asking for fridge?

I’m asking for a herd of cattle and your daughter’s hand in marriage. I’m asking for the PRICE I POSTED IT FOR ON CRAIGSLIST.

Is it possible for my daughter to come see it tomm?

First, it’s weird that you mentioned your daughter after I said that. Second, if you’re adding another “m” to an abbreviated version of “tomorrow,” then maybe you don’t mean tomorrow or don’t know how to spell. Anyway, yes, your daughter can come see my refrigerator with her friend Tomm, on a day yet to be determined.

Anyway, I never heard back.

I posted the fridge to LetGo:

how much for the refrigerator

OMG

Is the price negotiable?

I negotiated, slightly.

I’ll talk to my husband.

Famous last words of the online product inquisitor, and borderline sexist in 2016. MAKE YOUR OWN DECISION WOMAN; IT’S A FRIDGE NOT A TIME SHARE.

Needless to say, I never heard back.

Still on LetGo:

how much u asking for the fridge

Nobody reads, nobody cares, all hope is lost. Still, I responded.

Never heard back.

I edited the fridge to reiterate the price by adding “firm.” Immediately after:

200

200

You might guess that the FIRM price I had posted was not $200. Still, since “Mickey M.” had either unintentionally or purposely responded twice, I saw this is an open window of interest and responded kindly.

Never heard back.

Posted the fridge to 5Miles.

I have a nice hp home computer I will trade for the fridge.

What kind of post- modern bartering system is this? I want straight cash, homey. If I wanted a trade-in I would have wheeled this dang fridge on a hand truck to the local flea market and exchanged it for some baseball cards and a hermit crab.

OH WAIT SOMEONE ELSE IS INTERESTED THIS SHOULD GO WELL

what year is it from

Would it surprise you, “Yovana,” if I told you this refrigerator was from the future?

But wait, I have not responded yet before Yovana hits me off with:

to what I would leave less money.

I … I don’t know what this means. It seems like she is preempting my response to defensively state that no matter what year the fridge is from, she is going to give me less money for it? Anyway, never heard back.

You might be getting the impression from the lack of follow up here that we’re asking an exorbitant amount for this fridge which I assure you is not the case. It’s an extremely reasonable price we’re asking, trust me. Also, nobody is even paying attention to how much it is anyway.

Which reminds me, back to craigslist:

I just want to know if your refrigerator. Still available pls call me or text me? [number]

Sure, why not, I text.

How much again

I can’t.

Is that possible send me the pic again. I search so many refrigerator I cannot remember any more sorry.

I think we’ve all been at that stage in our lives when we’ve researched so many refrigerators on various garage sale apps that all of the refrigerators blend into one, indistinguishable refrigerator and we can barely function properly any longer. Far be it from me to ask her to log back in to craigslist. I send pics.

Do you have time on Sunday. I work 12 hour a day.

You know what they say, researching refrigerators is a full-time job. And I see where this is headed. Since Sunday is a week away (at the time), I kindly respond that I am available Sunday, but looking to move this fridge asap, and am fielding all offers.

How old is that refrigerator?

All of a sudden it’s the age of the fridge that’s the determining factor. Do I need to point out that the manufacturer’s date is listed on the craigslist posting? No. No I do not.

Ok

We’re are you located

I am located in the city and zip code I entered into craigslist that also has a map. I mean, when you open a craigslist post you are immediately greeted with an accompanying map to the right with a big ass circle in the middle that screams THIS IS WHERE THE THING IS LOCATED.

I’m in Montclair Mk

I’m not familiar with that state.

Nj

Oh, OK.

I tell her where I am, which is not close to Montclair.

Okay.

You think how far is in Montclair?

It’s almost as if this person is not the research scientist she claims to be.

Ok I gonna let my cousin. To help me

Ah, the classic Mysterious Cousin Who Might Bridge the Geographical Gap and Help Facilitate a Refrigerator Sale.

Next morning, same person

I just want to ask you a question. You think that refrigerator can fit in basement apartment.

Hmmm, that’s an excellent question that belies the dimensions I posted to craigslist. As we all know, basement apartments can be a fickle bunch, despite their uniform dimensions throughout the United States of America. Thankfully, I spent nearly a decade as a Basement Apartment Inspector for the Township of East Brunswick and can tell you, without question, that this refrigerator may or may not fit in your basement apartment and I don’t know because I don’t live there and all I can do is provide you dimensions which I did, twice.

Ok thanks

I gonna let my cousin know

Sure, great.

Naka kita Ako Jen air Na refrigerator

Sa Kearny kng malapit 250

Stain less still

Medyo malit

what (that was my actual response)

Oh sorry wrong send

Now, I don’t speak whatever language that was, but it seems like my refrigerator is not the only one this person has in mind. Because of the research. Needless to say, I never heard back.

My point is, does anybody need a refrigerator?

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UPDATE: I sold the fridge yesterday! To a normal person! THE SYSTEM WORKS!