Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Spam email of the week

Subject: FOR YOUR CONFIDENTIAL OBSERVATION ONLY

Sorry but I decided to post this to the Internet. No hard feelings?

n. Learn more

Believe me, I’d like to "n. Learn more" as much as anyone, but I can’t n. Learn more until you start the email.

I am Raymond Taylor the son of last wife to the former president of Liberia who was asked by unanimous decision by the international community to step down from the corridors of power .

I smell an “Everybody Loves Raymond” reboot.

Raymond: But Maaaaaa, everybody wants Dad to step down from the corridors of power! Why does he have to be so stubborn all the time?

Robert: Yeah Ma. I don’t think Dad asked you to be his eighth wife NOT to get involved in decisions like this.

Raymond: No one asked you - you're not even her real son.

Doris Roberts: You boys shutup and eat your lasagna.

(laugh track)

I write you this mail under duress and as a result of my recent decision to better the lives of me.

If I could take away the stress you feel as a result of the extremely difficult decision to make better your multiple lives, I would. 

I have made a decision which i know might not be good in the sight of man but the present situation has led me to this decision to better the lives of me.Currently now have decided to make do with the sum of six hundred million us dollars(600.000.000)United States Dollars belonging to my father in which i am a benefiaciary,when he went into exile in Nigeria.

Not sure how you will make do with a mere $600 million to spread over multiple lives, but I’m here to help, Ray.

 In 2006. On 29 March, My father tried to cross the border into Cameroon through the border town of Gamboru in northeastern Nigeria . His Range Rover with Nigerian
diplomatic plates was stopped by border guards, and Taylor 's identity 

That’s cool you and your dad are on a last-name basis.

was eventually established.State Department staff later reported that significant  amounts of cash were found in the vehicle. Upon his arrival at Roberts International Airport in Harbel , Liberia , Taylor was arrested and handcuffed by LNP officers, who then immediately transferred custody of Taylor to the United Nations Mission in Liberia (UNMIL). Irish UNMIL soldiers then escorted Taylor aboard a UN helicopter to Freetown, Sierra Leone

That’s an ironic name for a town considering the circumstances. You know ... because your dad was captured and handcu-

,where he was delivered to the SCSL. I have decided to relocate with your assistance to your private account the said sum.My decision was reached when i could not conceive the thought that after the
United States Government has promised to let my father go free based on the condition that he should step down 

Sometimes you have to put yourself in other people’s shoes, and if the Local Union #209 had asked my father, Kenny, to step down from his post as foreman of the pipefitters, I would likewise take my $600 million and go elsewhere. How could I ever look him in the eyes again?

Mr.Collin Powell stated in a press briefing that he would be indicted by the court in Netherlands to face charges on war crimes,

Assuming you mean “Colin” and are not confusing the American statesman with an Irish college bro, I totally remember that press briefing, by the way. When Colin Powell was talking about your dad.

this is what led to my decision as God Knows that i was never in support of his involvement in the indecent maltreating of innocent people in Politics.

Don’t beat yourself up for your dad’s war crimes. Judging by this email, it’s apparent you are a good, honest, non-person with many lives to look forward to.

This decision is hard for me to make but i just have to make it for the sake of my me future.

Your selflessness knows no bounds. You are literally stumbling over yourself trying to verbalize how much you are looking out for yourself. 

Currently the said sum was lodged in a safety deposit box in a  financial company Institution which i will disclose to you as a matter of commitment to me and this plea for assistance. I currently have the deposit certificate and can draw up a change of beneficiary mandate to effect you as the beneficiary to the funds. I am a trained economist by profession

Of course you are. It was evident earlier when you used periods instead of commas to numerically write out “(600.000.000).”

and it is in this line that i will want you to take note that your services for assisting me will be compensated to the best of my ability. I have this to look forward to so i would like you to keep this project close to your heart just as myself pending when we reach the conclusive end of this project. 

Totes. When will we meet the conclusive end of this email? I am hungry.

I will want you as a matter of confidentiality to respond through this mail and also include your telephone number as well so that i can give you a call if the need arises as we are currently on political asylum now in west africa. 

"Hello. You have received a collect call from the location of ... WEST AFRICA ... at ... POLITICAL ASYLUM HOUSE ... from ... 'Yo Mike it's Raymond Taylor pick up pick up pick up.' Do you accept the charges of ... THREE THOUSAND AND TWENTY DOLLARS?"

"Totes."

"I'm sorry, I don't understand that respo-"

"YES DAMMIT."

Once get your confirmation that you can be of assistance i will bring you into a clearer picture of the situation at hand.

Clearer than this well-crafted email? Impossible.

2 comments:

troy said...

I like how he just dropped the part about you helping with the six hundred mil in this long boring paragraph of blah-by-blah about his dad. Looks like someone went to gravediggers school instead of J-school, because homeboy is BURYING THE LEDE.

mkenny59 said...

No kidding! Other than that though it's perfectly put together.