Spam email of the week


Note: this email feature today is not mine but was submitted by a fellow sir, my mom.

Dear Beloved,

We are gathered here today in the interest of reading terrible, pointless, junk emails. Should anyone object to this, please speak now or forever hold your peace. Or just, ya’ know, stop reading this. But don't do that.

I am sending you this mail in good faith.

Whew! For a second there I thought this mail—some people call it “email”—was sent in bad faith, and that reading it would ultimately waste my time.

I am Mrs. Marie Douglas a widow, currently undergoing medical treatment for cancer.

"Dear person I don’t know, my husband is dead and I have cancer. But enough small talk …"

My late husband was a contractor with servicing firm affiliated with Electric Authority. Many years before he died in 2006.

Wait, he worked for Electrical Authority before he died? Weird. Is Electrical Authority a thing? Like, some multi-billion dollar monopoly that controls all electricity everywhere? Granted, I realize this was sent in good faith, but just to be sure I Googled "Electrical Authority," and there is only an Electrical Safety Authority. I called them and was like, "Hey, did a Mr. Douglas ever work for a contractor with a servicing firm affiliated with you guys before he died in 2006?" They said, "I did not understand that question. Please dial '0' for the operator." Anyway, the point is, I believe all of this.

We had an account with a financial institution where we deposited all our assets and life savings worth (US$8.921M) for a fixed period. I have just been informed by my doctor that I only
have few months to leave due to the cancer illness.

Financial Institution: Thank you for depositing your $9 million with us. Please remember that this is only for a fixed period, and if you do not withdraw this money in six months, it will EXPLODE.

Mrs. Douglas: But I only have a few months to leave.

Financial Institution: Uh, you need to leave like, now. We are busy.

Mrs. Douglas: No, I mean, I am going to die in a few months.

Financial Institution: Oh. Well, better send out some emails.

Having known my condition that will not allow me claim the funds personally;

Oh, you can't withdraw money to pay for cancer when you have cancer. I forgot about that rule.

I have decided to nominate you as my beneficiary since the
financial institution have now written me that the length of time agreed upon to hold my funds is now expired.

Dear Mrs. Douglas,

We have been holding your money this whole time and you still haven't picked it up. We're not a piggy bank, ya' know. Since you can't pick it up yourself and risk getting cancer on it, as previously suggested, please find a beneficiary over email and get back to us. We have other money to hold here and are running out of room. Thank you.


Financial Institution

My desire and purpose is for you to
promote humanitarian works. I.e. assisting the less privileged and building orphanage homes in your country and to upset my medical bills.

This whole thing reminds me of the plot to Brewster's Millions, except this version is unfunny and weird. Build orphanages? What is this, the 1800s? I want you to build orphanages for the orphans, and please -- buy as much porridge as necessary! It also reminds me of the Destiny's Child song, "Bill, Bills, Bills," in which Beyonce laments how men are not able to pay her medical bills with her own money. Can you pay my bills? Can you upset my telephone bills?

Please assure me that you will act accordingly. I encourage you to email me for more information.

I imagine the other information is just specs for the orphanage, and not the fact that there's a small fee to access the $9 million so maybe I should just send over my credit card information immediately. Anyway, rest assured I have acted accordingly by having this email forwarded to me from my mom and then placing it on my blog.