Spam email of the week

I get a ton of spam here at work. Much of it involves junk emails that are sent to place counterfeit classified ads using stolen credit card info, so ... America! We can examine those, I hope, soon. Today's spam feature, however, consists of that common and generic invitation to market gold in an unspecified side of the world.

Subject: Greeting's To You.

There is literally nothing correct about this subject header, which is a fantastic start. Greeting's is possessive, every word is CAP'd, and there is a period at the end, which is, honestly, sociopathic. If this isn't a spambot, it's from a serial killer.

Subject headers are always my favorite part of spam emails because they're supposed to draw the sucker in, but are always so terrible that any moderately intelligent person or cat can and will immediately delete them because they are so terrible. Here is how the spam robots envisioned this subject being received. (Note: they envision it being received by an 89-year-old AOL user who is legally blind and who is using a computer for the third time.)

I've got mail! (Squinting) "Greeting's To You." Hmmm, greetings to ... me, I guess! This is MY email account so ... this must be a person who knows me well. Greetings to you, too, good sir or ma'am! Now let me just double-click on this message to read further and see if this friend of mine needs some money ...

On to the content:

How are you doing hope you are fine?

Whoa! Can I answer the first part first? Yes, I am doing well, thanks. My niece had a recital the other day and she did great, and we all had cake afterwards. My favorite sports team has been victorious in three consecutive contests, so yes -- to repeat, I am doing quite well. Now, "hope you are doing fine?" Is that a question? I don't know how to read this. If you are questioning your own hope of my well-being, then ... I'm not sure I want to be friends anymore. By the way, what is your name?

my name is Larry,

Hi Larry! I enjoy your random use of capitalization and punctuation and line breaks and how you have zero grasp on the English language. How do we know each other? Doesn't matter. Possibly we can become engaged in a professional matter of sorts?

am looking for a distributor and partner who will assist in Buying
and marketing of Gold at that side of the world.

Since my email address is obviously newspaper-based, I am delightfully surprised that you are aware of my personal hobby of distributing and marketing gold on a side of the world. I love marketing gold! I don't want to give too much away now, Larry, before we meet over coffee to discuss this business venture, but I've been working on a marketing slogan for gold. Want to hear it? Okay, here it is. "Gold: A golden opportunity." Do you like it? I have others. "Got Gold?" Also, "Gold: It's awesome."

I am uncertain which side of the world you are speaking of. You mention "that side" as if you've referenced the side previously in this email, which -- and I've gone back to check -- you have not. Anyways, I live on the left side of the world (facing the ocean), so if you're looking for a left side gold distributor, that would be perfect.

if you are interested you can reply me on, (email address)

I can reply you "on?" I've never done that before, but I'll assume I should stand on my keyboard while sending you the email. If you don't get it, call me at my telephone.

*Note* according to the email address, Larry's last name is Huessein. The spambots did an excellent job of using a fake name people can trust.

Looking forward to hear from you.

Mr. Larry

Oh, so it's "Mr. Larry" now, huh? Looks like all of your success in gold distribution and marketing has gone to your head, LOL! I look forward to hear from you as well, and please pass along my sincerest and warmest regards to Mrs. Larry. You may need a partner in gold distribution, but she has been your partner in life. Cherish her. I am assuming you have a wife because it is fun and I don't know who you are.


troy said…
I would like to say something funny, but I can't top this, so I'll say only that the subject lines are my favorite part too. I also would like to know who's been spreading the word about my tiny, tiny genitals, which apparently the whole world now knows about. Because that's why I made them all sign confidentiality agreements to begin with.
mkenny59 said…
I'm sorry, Troy, but you failed at not saying something funny.

(Also, btw, so far "Good Ache" is my fave. And big nod to the beginning of "Danny the Street.")
troy said…
Thanks very much, Mike. Yeah, Good Ache is the song that's supposed to make us famous but won't. And we were saying "@^%#@ it, we'll do it live!" all throughout recording, so it seemed appropriate to pay a little homage to the "man."