Thursday, June 07, 2012

Classic card of the week


Dick Schofield, 1991 Score

As a retroactive and thus pointless rule of thumb: if a player is named “Dick,” ‘tis better to speak of that player by last name—pretty much a rule of thumb regardless of first name re: journalism—than risk phallic-based innuendos. Or, better yet: don’t nickname a person “Dick.”

Listen. I am 34-years old. I have a wife, a daughter, a job. I write for a respected community-based newspaper. I am a moderately responsible adult. But I will not apologize for finding the name Dick to be hilariously silly when used out of context. I do not know how it came about that people decided it would be a good idea to develop the nickname “Dick” for Richard—it’s not even close; why not call people named Larry “Butt?”—but I am happy to reap the benefits in this generation. You can call it immature or what have you, but there are three things that will always remain hilarious to me due to my innate human nature: 1) farts, 2) people falling down, and 3) the name Dick. Maybe it’s not the sophisticated level of humor striven for by people other than myself, but … whatever. Lighten up.


Injuries have plagued Dick the past few years.

How many injuries can one Dick sustain?

This is already getting out of hand. I’m not proud of this; I’m just doing my duty as a baseball card blogger and Dick-name enthusiast. Hi mom!

When he is healthy, Dick anchors the Angel’s infield

A healthy Dick will inevitably become an anchor. Oh geez. Why didn’t they just use “Schofield” as they should have and saved me the trouble of having to go through all this?

he is nonetheless extremely agile and quick, and has soft hands, good range and a strong, accurate arm.

What good Dick doesn’t? By the way, this post will self-destruct after you read it, so you will never be able to prove it actually happened.

The son of “Ducky,”

According to Wikipedia, Ducky also went by Dick Schofield, although Richard was his father’s middle name.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Schofield Family Reunion

Dick Schofield: Dad!

Ducky Schofield: Dick!

Dick and Ducky Schofield: in unison Dicky!

Dicky Schofield (third cousin): Dicks!

Ducky Schofield: And who’s this fine young man?

Dicky Schofield: Ducky, this is Dicky, Jr. Dick, Dicky, Jr.

Dicky Schofield, Jr.: Shaking hands. Dick, Ducky … or should I call you Dick?

Ducky Schofield: We’re family … call me Dick or Ducky, doesn’t matter. Just don’t call me late for dinner!

Dicky Schofield, Jr.: Ha, I’ve heard about your famous "Dick jokes!"

Dick Schofield: Oh … hey, Jeremy.

Jeremy Plazinski: What’s up, WIENER HEADS! Ha, ha … how’s it hangin’ broskies?

Ducky Schofield: We’re fine, Jeremy. Everything’s hanging fine.

Jeremy Plazinski: Listen, brahs—a bunch of us are heading to a dive bar after this lame shindig is over … you wienershnitzels in, or are you pansies gonna bail like last year?

Dicky Schofield: Can I take my coat off before you start making plans for later? Why don’t you go have another drink?

Jeremy Plazinski: Why don’t YOU go have another Viagra? If your conversation lasts longer than four hours, consult someone else CAUSE I'LL BE AT THE BAR. High-fives passing waiter. Whatevs, I’m outsies 5000.

Dick Schofield: Ugh. I can’t believe she married him.

Dicky Schofield, Jr.: What’s his problem?

Dicky Schofield: Don’t worry, son. He’s a dick.

3 comments:

Joe S. said...

Dick Butkus. Tee hee!

mkenny59 said...

Thank you, Joe. At least SOMEBODY'S not afraid to participate in this important discussion.

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