Thursday, June 28, 2012

Classic card of the week



Harold Reynolds, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings

I want to say right off the bat that this is the grossest misrepresentation of a player the Diamond Kings series has ever produced. Harold Reynolds is, apparently, Billy Dee Williams. At the time of this card Reynolds was 27-years old. Twenty-seven. (Here is what Harold Reynolds looks like in real life, a year later.) This looks like the card of a third base coach whose youngest daughter is graduating college next month. If they had drawn an Orioles hat instead, this would totally be Eddie Murray. Also, what is this graphic?


This graphic looks like geometry got into a fight with a Cosby sweater. Or maybe it was pulled as a screenshot from the opening sequence of an Atari game. Regardless, like a fine wine paired with the perfect meal, it goes seamlessly alongside a terribly sketched picture of Harold Reynolds, second baseman.


Not many people know it because he plays in Seattle,

This is the worst premise ever and one of my biggest pet peeves. Granted, this was before the dawn of the Internet, but: raise your hand if you followed baseball in the 80s/90s and didn't know who Harold Reynolds was. I knew about Harold Reynolds because a) I like baseball, and b) I collected baseball cards like this very baseball card that is apparently lumping me into their generalized statement about how nobody knows about Harold Reynolds because he plays in the Pacific Northwest. Seattle is a major American city, and as a baseball fan, I am aware that the local baseball team I root for often plays against other baseball teams, and as a result, I have familiarized myself with those players because I like baseball. "Oh, I am a big baseball fan, but who the heck is Harold Reynolds? He must play too far away from where I am standing RIGHT NOW," is something that no one has ever said. I grew up in New Jersey but I knew that Irene from Real World Seattle had freakin' Lymes Disease because THIS IS AMERICA.

but Harold Reynolds has developed into the best second baseman in the American League.

I like that. A definitive statement. Donruss was like, "Screw it. We're tired of beating around the bush here. We think Harold Reynolds is the best second baseman in the American League and we're going to explicitly state as much on a baseball card that features him looking like a 55-year-old man." If this were Joe Morgan he would have said, "Reynolds is playing well, but he needs to be more consistent before I can put him in that category, but he's on his way there, don't get me wrong, but he needs to hit with more consistency, but he's not not far off. Gary Sheffield." You have my respect, Donruss. Now, how so?

He may have led the position with the most errors in 1987,

SOLD! Say no more. Actually ... you know what? Say some more. Or, better yet, delete that part because it does not help your argument in any way. No? Gonna stick with it? Okay, cool.

but Reynolds handled the most chances of any AL second baseman.

SOLD! Nothing speaks to a player's ability more than randomly having the most baseballs hit to him.

As long as veterans such as Frank White, Lou Whitaker and Willie Randolph are around, Reynolds is often overlooked by the average fan. 

Frank White: You'll pry the title of "One of the Top Three Second Baseman in the American League as Deemed by the Average Fan" from my cold, dead hands, Reynolds!

But don't be surprised when you see Reynolds cropping up in All-Star games.

I will be shocked. I will be like, "Why are there new, young players in this All-Star game? Where is Red Schoendienst?"

He's become an equal to the Whitakers, Randolphs, et al.

Equal? Et al? Wait a second ...

Harold Reynolds has developed into the best second baseman in the American League ... He's become an equal to the Whitakers, Randolphs, et al.

Harold Reynolds has developed into the best second baseman in the American League ... He's become an equal to the Whitakers, Randolphs, et al.

Harold Reynolds has developed into the best second baseman in the American League ... He's become an equal to the Whitakers, Randolphs, et al. 

X > Y = X = Y?

Your backtracking disgusts me, Donruss.

6 comments:

The TWE said...

As previously noted, you make it very hard to top you, but I've decided not to let that stop me from trying. 'Cropping up' means ... well, nothing, of course; writers (past and present) like you and I know that's not a real thing. But the conspirators behind the phrase seem to have settled on a meaning of 'to appear unexpectedly.' So Donruss, helpfully, wanted to make sure you were not surprised when this unexpectable thing happens, which I hope will make you look more favorably upon them.

mkenny59 said...

When this comment cropped up, it shocked me with its insight, but, rather than be annoyed at my own surprise, I was quite titillated. Donruss may be working with a false premise -- that it's a bad thing to be surprised by the unexpected. This is quite a philosophical discussion that has cropped up!

FISHLEGBOOTS said...

I remember when Irene got slapped in the face and had her teddy bear thrown in the ocean when she left. I think I gave up on the Real World after that. Reynolds was probably more of a Road Rules man.

mkenny59 said...

Oh my, I forgot about her teddy bear getting thrown in the ocean ... good times! I agree that was the last great Real World, before it all started being about getting drunk and having sex. What happened to the REAL issues like love and Lymes Disease? I also agree that HR would totally have been a Road Rules kinda guy ... and I wouldn't be surprised if he cropped up as an equal to players like Robin, CT, et al.

Bill said...

Loved the "Morganese" in this one! You've become equal to the Bill Fremps, et al.

Commishbob said...

Dick Perez did some really good baseball sketches. But I think he 'phoned in' most of the DK stuff. Like this one.