Classic card of the week

Tommy Gregg, 1991 Score

They say you should never trust a guy with two first names. And I should know, because I am one of those guys. I don’t even trust myself sometimes, and I am often forced to hire an independent arbitrator to review my own internal decisions. My untrustworthy parents chose to perpetuate this reality by not bestowing on me a last name as a first name—my choice: Clutterbuck Kenny—in order to balance things out, and so I am forced to wallow in a virtual force field of untrustworthiness. Just do yourself a favor and don’t believe anything I say. Except the following rambling account of nonsense, which is all true.

Luckily, Tommy Gregg is exempt from this popular mantra because it is canceled out by a separate mantra that states, “Never trust a guy named ‘Gregg.’” Also, Mr. Gregg’s full name is William Thomas Gregg, which is not only presidential (all presidents and people who sound like presidents should be trusted unconditionally), but also translates to the name, Bill Tom Gregg, which is the whitest name for a white person in the history of names. And as the old Native American saying goes, “If you can’t trust a white guy, then who can you trust?”

But besides all that, Tommy Gregg could, in fact, be trusted, especially during that most crucial of times when trust is personified—the clutch.

When Tommy wasn’t playing the outfield or platooning at first base with Francisco Cabrera in ’90,

He was at home in his wife beater eating hot pockets and watching Muppet Babies. I cannot imagine another way for this long-winded lede to conclude.

he was coming off the bench as one of the National League’s premier pinch-hitters.

Far be it from me to poke holes in the writeups on the back of early 90’s Score baseball cards for the amusement of a very, very select few, but: wouldn’t he be coming off the bench to do exactly those things he could be found doing when he was not coming off the bench? This would sort of be like saying, “When the alternative metal band Mudvayne isn’t in the studio recording albums, they are coming out with albums.”

In one game,

Small sample size is a myth. Show me a game where Tommy Gregg did something good, and I’ll show you a Hall of Famer named Tommy Gregg.

his two-run pinch double in the ninth defeated the Reds 4-3,

The Reds miraculously recovered from these Tommy Gregg clutch shenanigans to win the World Series. Other than that though, Tommy Gregg won the battle and the war.

and in another

Another game? How many games does Tommy Gregg have to be awesome in to get a full-time gig? Three? Four? I mean really.

he smashed a bases-loaded triple.

Of course he smashed it. All of Tommy Gregg’s triples bounce violently off the top of the outfield wall and would have been home runs in any other park.

Tommy even had clutch hits when he was in the regular lineup.

If you don’t believe in clutch, this sentence reads, “Tommy even had hits when he was in the lineup,” to which I would reply, “WHAT ARE YOU FREAKIN SERIOUS AWESOME!!!!!!!!”

His three-run homer in the eighth inning beat the Expos 3-2 and he went 4-for-4 in another game.

The lesson: If you’re playing another game, just try and stop Tommy Gregg. Seriously, just try.

A gung-ho line-drive hitter

Indeed, Tommy Gregg hit line drives not only consistently, but also with great enthusiasm and with little regard for the outcome. Oftentimes, as the pitcher was in his windup, Tommy Gregg would grunt and scream loudly, “And here comes a line drive right back ATCHA! …” If he were forced to take the pitch for a ball, or swung and missed, or did anything short of hitting a screaming line drive, awkwardness ensued.

Did you know?
According to Wikipedia, Tommy Gregg holds private hitting lessons in a room in his house in Peachtree City, Georgia, which is the world's greatest recorded pick-up line, and eventually led to the popular line of t-shirts that read, "I hit a home run in Tommy Gregg's dining room."


SpastikMooss said…
"His three-run homer in the eighth inning beat the Expos 3-2 and he went 4-for-4 in another game.

The lesson: If you’re playing another game, just try and stop Tommy Gregg. Seriously, just try."

Classic stuff. Many lolz
mkenny59 said…
Hey Spastik, thanks! You always seem to have a kind word re: these posts, and I really appreciate it!
Joe S. said…
Pretty soon I'll have to stop reading these at work, because the laughing makes me look like a jackass. Good stuff, as always!