Classic card of the week

Larry Andersen, 1989 Topps

I just blogged in from Houston and boy, are my arms tired! What? Is this thing on? Ha, ha! No seriously folks, we’ve got a great lineup for you tonight. Some of you may remember our next act from his days pitching in relief for various Major League Baseball clubs … hilariously! Put your hands together for Larry AnderSEN!!!

Larry is widely renown for his comedic talent.

Thank you, thank you. We got any baseball fans in the house? Yeah, a few? Sounds like we got a few. The thing about baseball fans is, they’re stupid. Seriously. When I was playing, a baseball fan would come up to me and be like, “You suck!” And I’d be like, you know what? No—YOU suck! You know what I mean? Crazy. The other thing about baseball fans is, they can’t drive. Honestly. Just today I was driving behind a guy with a Cincinnati Reds bumper sticker, and the guy makes a right turn on red, and there’s a “No turn on red” sign right there! I mean, right there. How can you turn on your team like that? Buh, dum, ching! Sheesh. Also, the Reds? Really? What is this, 1975? Big Red Machine? That's a communist robot. Wake up, people!

(takes a sip of water)

So a lot of people remember me as the guy traded for Jeff Bagwell. Yep, THE Jeff Bagwell. Guy hit 449 home runs in his career. Me? I gave up 449 home runs, so it evens out! Seriously though—if hilarious anecdotes were home runs, I’d be in the Hall of Fame, first ballot. Bagwell? Pfft. Guy was as dry as a desert. True story—I told Bagwell a joke once, he didn’t laugh … just walked away. Two years later he comes up to me before a game and he says, “Hello Larry. Remember that joke you told me? I just got it yesterday. Good stuff.” No smile, nothing! I’m like, who IS this guy? Crazy. Ya’ know, they still give me grief in Boston to this day about that trade. Like it’s my fault. Like I traded myself for Jeff Bagwell. I didn’t want to go to Boston! Fans there are insane. Every time I went out there, they expected me to get every guy out. I’m like, “Uh, guys, hello? I can’t blow it past everybody. Who am I—Monica Lewinsky?”

(takes a sip of water)

Ahhhh. So I do some work for the Phillies now. Anyone out there ever been to Philadelphia? Yeah? What’s the biggest attraction in Philadelphia? A cracked bell. Think about that … a cracked bell. I feel like saying, why don’t all you idiot tourists come to my hometown of Redmond, Washington—I got a cracked toilet I can show ya’! How did the toilet get cracked? I’ll show ya’ … (places his hand underneath his armpit and squeezes down into the mic) … ffffffrrrrppppp! Now THAT’S some “liberty” (does air quotes) right there!

Speaking of toilets, I saw a lot of stuff go down in the bathroom during my big league days. And I just want to say, apropos of nothing, Bagwell was a juicer. G’night everybody!

Did you know?

Jay Leno sued Larry Andersen in 2003, accusing him of stealing a bit about how George W. Bush sometimes says words incorrectly.