Classic card of the week

Dan Boone, 1991 Score

Here is hot rookie prospect Dan Boone! Check out that energetic youth! Let’s find out more!

The most heartwarming story of ’90 might just be the return to baseball of Dan, the seventh generation nephew of the famous frontiersman.

Gather ‘round young ones. It’s almost bedtime, but before you all doze off to sleep, I want to tell you arguably the most heartwarming tale of the year 1990…

Once upon a time there lived a man named Daniel Boone. He was a great hunter who killed many furry animals. Also he killed a bunch of Native Americans. He founded the great state of Kentucky. Remember kids, when we drove through Kentucky last year on our way to Florida? I told you not to get out of the car at that gas station? Well, that was Daniel Boone’s state! Anyway, a bunch of years later it turns out he’s got a nephew or something, who’s a knuckleballer for the San Diego Padres. His name is Dan Boone, and he’s not really that good, but he’s got a mustache. So he retires from baseball in 1984. But then, in 1990, he comes back to baseball and throws nine and two-thirds innings for the Baltimore Orioles! Then he like, saved the princess or something. Alright get your asses to bed.

At 142,

Oh kids, one other thing that I forgot to mention. He was 142-years old! Can you believe that? You think stupid Nemo lived that long? Nemo probably lived for like, four days. What? Why are you crying?

(End scene.)

One of the lightest pitchers ever,

Oh. How about tossing in a little “lbs” there? No? Okay, suit yourself.

he had retired in 1984.

So…not a rookie. I wish there was some explanation as to his departure from baseball, because I am now left to assume that he originally retired on account of “lightness.” Also, judging from his advanced age I am going to go out on a limb and say that Dan Boone was not a “prospect” in the traditional sense. And so it turns out that "Dan Boone: Rookie Prospect" was a rookie prospect in the same way that I am an Asian woman.

The Orioles signed Dan in ’90 after seeing him pitch in Florida’s winter Senior League.

Orioles scout: Guys, check it out. Just watched a really old left-handed knuckleballer mowing guys down in the Florida winter Senior League! He weighs like 100 lbs! Plus some dude there told me he’s related to George Washington. We better sign him before someone else does!

Orioles front office: Why are you scouting the Florida winter Senior League?

A 36-year old knuckleballer, he ranked second in the International League in ERA and pitched a no-hitter. (“I had to fight back the tears the last three innings.”)

Dan Boone, during the seventh inning of his famous International League no-hitter: “Pull yourself together, Dan! You think your great, great, great, great, great, great uncle would be crying on the mound like this! That guy killed bears with his teeth! Now hunker down and throw your bread-and-butter. The world is watching.”

Did you know?
A 1990 Redbook Magazine survey showed that the story of Dan Boone warmed almost twice as many hearts as the story of the fall of the Berlin Wall.


Bill said…
Did You Know:

A free agent following the 1990 season, Dan Boone staged a one-hour special on local cable access, hosted by Jim Gray, to announce he was "taking his talents to the Sizzler."