Classic card of the week

John Wetteland, 1996 Topps

John Wetteland. Go:

A classically trained saxophonist

Sax-a-ma-phoooone. Sax-a-ma-phoooone.

and clarinetist,

Hold up. I get the saxophone. White guys who think they have soul can always grab a saxophone. But are you trying to tell me, card, that John Wetteland played the freakin’ clarinet? This thing? My sister played the clarinet in our school band in grammar school, and she practiced it throughout the house all day long –- I distinctly recall hearing “Mary Had a Little Lamb” blaring from her upstairs bedroom while I was trying to watch “Woody Woodpecker”…argh! -- and we were forced to go to many recitals and watch her play the clarinet, and she kept it in a case, and she needed like, reeds for it or something, and became indignant when it was mistaken for “a recorder,” and even she, my sister, is at least slightly embarrassed by all of this today. To find out that John Wetteland is quite open with regards to his clarinetistness is quite dumbfounding. I am dumbfounded.

And another thing. I have always wondered: What the heck does it mean to be “classically trained?” I believe it’s possible that the “classically” is added simply as a means of making whatever a person is trained in sound more pretentious and cultured. This bothers me, as whenever somebody claims to be classically trained in something I picture them as a young child, sitting in front of some elegant and expensive instrument in a grandiose Victorian room, taking directions from a British elder statesman whose three-piece suit counterbalances his unkempt hair. And as far as how this relates to John Wetteland -- I don't want my Yankee closers being brought up with a silver spoon in their mouth. They should have goatees, and play the guitar poorly. Or be Mariano Rivera. Anyway, I would thoroughly enjoy hearing somebody say, “I am a trained pianist. I may not know who Mozart is, but I can play any song off the 'Now That's What I Call Music! Vol 146' album."

Anyway, why are we even talking about musical instruments? How do they relate to John Wetteland: professional baseball pitcher?

John was again a mound maestro in 1995.

Oh, I get it! Ha, ha! John Wetteland would get batters out with the same ease and grace and musicality with which he played the clarinet! COOL! The clarinet is awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow, sorry. I blacked out there for a sec. Where were we? I have no idea. I guess we're done.

Did you know?

My computer at work crashed last week as a result of me not being classically trained in Windows 2000.

Did you know II?
I never played the drums for a year in my grammar school band, despite what you may have heard.