Classic card of the week

Jeff Fassero, 1993 Topps

Here is Jeff Fassero, Major League Baseball pitcher. Now, believe it or not, Jeff Fassero was not always a Major League Baseball pitcher, because he used to be a child. He is like most of us in that respect. But even as a child, Jeff Fassero liked baseball. So the question remains: Before he became a Major League Baseball pitcher, where, oh where, did Jeff Fassero hone his baseball skills?

Participated in Khoury, Pony, Mickey Mantle, Connie Mack and Thoroughbred Amateur Baseball Programs during youth.

What in the heck? An easier way to say this, in my opinion, would have been: Played Little League. Which, I suppose, is assumed anyway when you’re holding the card of a man who made it to the big leagues. Because, ya’ know, that is a lot of “amateur baseball programs” right there, and like half of them are types of horses, which is weird.

More importantly, how does a youth manage to participate in so many youth baseball programs? In my formative years I played for the East Brunswick Baseball Managers Little League, for like, my entire childhood. We were the Dodgers. Every year. Same kids on the team, same coaches, same fat kid who batted cleanup and had to wear a different and darker colored shirt than the rest of us because the regular one didn’t fit. Now granted, I did not possess that Fassero-type talent that would have had me advancing to such esteemed amateur programs as Thoroughbred (?), but still. It just makes me wonder if one Mr. Fassero wasn’t the sort of sports-dad that America loves.

Mr. Fassero: I don’t like the way they do things here in Khoury. How do you not bunt with no outs and a runner on first in the fifth inning of a scoreless game? I mean, how? Pack your bags, Jeff –- we’re going to Pony.

Jeff Fassero: What? But dad, Billy plays in the Khoury league! We’ve been best friends since Kindergarten!

Mr. Fassero: Billy? Pfftt. That kid couldn’t field a grounder if his uniform were made of Velcro.

Jeff Fassero: I don’t think a baseball would stick to Velcro, dad.

Mr. Fassero
: You’re grounded.

Mr. Fassero: This Pony league is for kids!

Jeff Fassero
: I know, dad. That’s their motto: The Pony League is for kids.

Mr. Fassero
: Screw that. You’re too good for this nonsense. We’re going big time. Ever hear of Mickey freakin’ Mantle?

Jeff Fassero
: We’re going to Disney World?!

Mr. Fassero
: How are you my son?

Mr. Fassero: This league has no competition! Or snack bar!

Fall, 1975
Headline in local newspaper: “Fassero K’s seven in Connie Mack debut, father tossed

Mr. Fassero: Do you know what happened yesterday, son?

Jeff Fassero: Yeah, you embarrassed me in front of everyone.

Mr. Fassero: No. Yesterday, you became a Thoroughbred.

Okay, that was fun. Even more fun however, I think, would be compiling a list of teams and youth baseball programs that Jeff Fassero has played for. All of my Simpsons-fan brethren should derive further enjoyment by beginning this list with the phrase: “I’ve sold monorails to…”

Mickey Mantle
Connie Mack
Johnson City
St. Petersburg
St. Louis
San Francisco

Did you know?
The demise of the Colonial Spanish Horse Amateur Baseball Program of Chicago occurred as a result of the mismanagement of Isiah Thomas.


Bill said…
Jeff Fassero: "Is there a chance the track could bend?"

Mr. Fassero: "Not on your life, my pitching friend..."
Heffron said…
Best entry to date. Kudos, my friend.