Note: This column appears in the 4/22 issue of The Glendale Star and the 4/23 issue of the Peoria Times
The last time I discussed scorpions here I mentioned how my wife and I had resorted to hunting for them outside with a black light at night, collecting them in a jar, and then releasing them on the concrete at which point I would kill them in the most panicked and effeminate way you can imagine –- with my flip-flop, while screaming.
Believe me this was not the ideal way we wanted to go about ridding ourselves of scorpions. The dread of reinitiating that summer night routine had remained in the back of my mind, as was the reality of scorpions in general and the fact that we have, though not yet officially, a family now. But one day a few weeks ago while walking back from the mailbox, I noticed a truck parked in front of our neighbor’s house that read, “Scorpion Specialists.”
So I talked to the guy, Chris. He said the Scorpion Specialists seal your home, inside and out and completely, to the point where, along with regular spraying and being aware of what you bring into the house, the chances of seeing a scorpion in your home will be reduced to virtually zilch. I said, “Let’s do this.”
It was an investment no doubt, but considering that I would pay a million dollars to never see a scorpion again –- or, better yet, to hire an arsonist/hitman to set fire to every scorpion in the universe –- it was a bargain. (I want them to die by fire, fyi.)
They sealed the foundation and screened off and caulked every exterior vent, including those on the roof. They sealed the garage, easements, and put new sweeps on every exterior door. They foamed and/or caulked every outlet, light fixture, crack, sprinkler head…everything. They sealed things I didn’t even know we had. We’d be doing a walk-through around the house, and Chris would be like, “You got a high-compressor air chamber vent in this closet?” and I’d be like, “What? I don’t know. No. What?” And he’d open the door and there it was. This happened like a dozen times. I barely know where our hot water heater is.
I told Chris afterwards that had I known specifically about all of the nooks and crannies that allow scorpions to get inside, I never would have been able to sleep at night. As it was I was having bizarre scorpion-related dreams at least weekly. (I didn’t tell him that part.) So I was glad I found them, to say the least.
Which brings me to another point. Part of our lament regarding scorpions is that it seems to us that everyone here dismisses them or is just indifferent. The omnipresence of scorpions is like the elephant in the room of Arizona. But you would think that, with all of my documented frustration with scorpions that someone –- anyone! –- would have been like, “Hey, you know there are desert-proofing services like ‘The Scorpion Specialists,’ right?”
But no. I found out about this because I walked to the mailbox. So thanks, everyone. For nothing.
Still, I write this for anyone as concerned about scorpions in there home as we are. Do what I did. Drop the flip-flop and black light, and pick up the phone.