Classic card of the week

Juan Gonzalez, 1994 Topps

Here is Juan Gonzalez angrily blasting what is assumed to be a mammoth home run, a feat accomplished by using the Samson-esque power of a flowing mullety mane. And possibly steroids.

But enough about steroids already! Sheesh. What I really want to know is: what are Juan Gonzalez’s philosophical thoughts on the game of baseball?

“Baseball is a game of suffering,” says Juan, “but baseball is beautiful.”

And they say athletes don’t have feelings. This was, coincidentally, my senior high school yearbook quote. Except I replaced “baseball” with “chicks.” So it read:

Chicks are a game of suffering, but chicks are beautiful.
- Juan Gonzalez, as told by Mike Kenny

Other quotes attributed to Juan Gonzalez are as follows:

Some things are good, but some things are bad, ya’ know?

I like ice cream. Sometimes.


Who let the dogs out? I am angry, but also forgiving.

According to Wikipedia, Juan Gonzalez has been married four times. As everybody is well aware, the first marriage fizzled after pop sensation Olga Tanon was photographed kissing Gonzalez during one of her concerts. The tabloids had a field day with that one, as I’m sure you can imagine. It was dubbed “Olguan” by the relentless and insatiable Puerto Rican media.

Less heralded was Gonzalez’s close relationship with former president George W. Bush. Trivia question: How many times did George W. Bush invite Juan Gonzalez to the White House? If your guess was less than two times, then you have vastly underestimated this relationship. Says Wiki:

The first of reunions took place on April 16, 2001 and the second on December 3, 2007; in this reunion he was accompanied by historian Luis Rodriguez Mayoral. The discussion lasted thirty-five minutes and involved Gonzalez’s future in the Major Leagues and other baseball related topics, as well as the happenings of their respective careers.

White House Chief of Staff Joshua Bolton: Mr. President, good morning. Are you prepared to meet with Mr. Greenspan to discuss the impending economic downturn, as well as Prime Minister Nader al-Dahabi of Jordan to go over Middle Eastern trade sanctions?

George W. Bush: Nope. Not today, Josh-Josh. Today I’m meeting with my ol’ buddy Juan Gonzalez!

Bolton: The former baseball player?

Bush: Heck yeah! Me and Juan-Gone go waaay back. He was on the Rangers when I was the owner. Remember that?

Bolton: Yes, sir. Certainly. But Mr. President, with all do respect, there are several very urgent matters to attend to today. Is this meeting absolutely necessary?

Bush: It’s just about the most necessary thing I could ever think of. He’s bringing a historian!

Bolton: Sir, if you don’t mind me asking, what topics will be discussed in this meeting? We certainly cannot have Juan Gonzalez privy to classified federal information.

Bush: Oh, don’t worry about that, Josh-Josh. We’ll just be talking about the good ol’ days. About his time in the big leagues and other baseball related topics. We’ll also be discussing the happenings of our respective careers.

Bolton: What does that mean?

Bush: I don’t know. I guess I’ll tell him about my career and he’ll tell me about his, or something. He said he’s bringing donuts.

Bolton: …

Bush: Oh, hey – Josh-Josh, before I forget. Can you send in one of those stenographer ladies? This Juan Gonzalez has a ton of great quotes, and I don’t wanna miss one!

Did you know?
If you think I didn't have to Google "current prime minister of jordan" AND "chief of staff under george w bush" then you just don't know me at all.