Note: This column appears in the 5/7 issue of The Glendale Star and the 5/8 issue of the Peoria Times
Judging by the number and frequency of radio, television, newspaper, and Internet ads, there are ample opportunities to get out of debt.
This is not only fantastic, but timely as well, considering that many people -– especially here in Arizona –- are indeed in debt, due to a number of factors including a mortgage crisis, unemployment, the inability to comprehend how to operate a credit card, and a generally awful economy. It’s a darn good thing that there are so many wonderful people around to help others get out of debt.
And that is how the process works. Get in debt. Then get out of debt. It’s so simple it’s a wonder more people don’t purposely take on debt just to experience the sheer fun and excitement of getting out of it.
Now, you may be asking yourself: how does this process work? Interesting question, albeit prodding. First, call the number you heard on the radio that was repeated eight trillion times. It’s a free call, so what could go wrong? At that point, a friendly person or even friendlier non-person will assist you in removing debt from your life. Or, simply respond to the email you received in ALL CAPS that accidentally went into your junk box with the subject: IN DEBT?^% RESPOND_2DAY!#. From there, input all of your personal and financial information into the Internet and then sit back and relax and maybe grab a drink because your debt is about to get straight obliterated.
Don’t believe me? Listen to this customer testimonial. It was recorded by an actual person! With lungs!
I lost my house and my job and my riding tractor and I was in over my head in credit card debt! But with one call to Debt Is For Losers, I was able to eliminate my debt completely! Now the banks are paying ME! Why? I have no idea! Thanks, Debt Is For Losers!
As that real person can attest, getting out of debt is easy. And we’re not talking about reducing debt here. Reducing debt? Pfftt. What’s the point? We’re talking about eliminating your debt. All of it. Ka-ploof. (Editor’s note: “ka-ploof” is the sound of disappearing debt.)
It’s so simple. If you are in the red, I’m not sure what you’re waiting for. Just do it. Don’t ask silly questions like, “Wait –- how and why would a company out to make a profit absorb my tens of thousands of dollars of debt for no apparent reason?” or “Is transferring my debt from one entity to another -– often at a much higher rate and at an additional cost to me –- really 'eliminating' my debt?” You’ll drive yourself crazy asking questions like that, and all the while your debt will be piling up like debt is wont to do. Stupid debt!
Listen –- gone is the old-fashioned and out-dated method of removing your debt by paying it off. It’s 2009! We’ve got computers now! Helpful people and companies you have never heard of are standing by, waiting to help. What do you have to lose besides your credit and more money? You are in a mountain of debt, and these people want to give you a shovel. (Also, the shovel costs $2,000.) Give ‘em a call, or shoot ‘em an email.
Then sit back, relax, and watch everything go ka-ploof.
C'mon -- rabbits don't lie!